So this is love...

Make You Feel My Love

Written by Bob Dylan

Covered by Adele

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
Know there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love, To make you feel my love

Since my sweet Bill came into my life, this song has played over and over in my head and heart.  This is what love is!  I get it now!!!!

Things don't always go the way I would like them to, but there is no one else that I would rather go through all the ups and downs with than him!

I am alive.  Shelby is alive.  We are well.  There's still a lot of chaos going on with the court stuff with sd.  Hopefully that will change soon.  But until then, we will persevere!!

Christmas was spent with Bill & family and we rang in 2012 with our girls!  I'm no longer a red head.  Yesterday, I went back to a color closer to my natural color (dark brown), but warmer.

Okay, time for gratitude!!!!

• The Universe
• Shelby
• Bill
• All of my wonderful friends - I am truly blessed! <3
• My great job
• Love
• Laughter
• Hair color
• 2 years post-op and today I weigh 142, exactly 80 pounds down!!!
• Still NED - woot woot!
• New anti-cyber bullying legislation as of 1/1/12, very thankful for that!
• Beautiful blue eyes looking at me filled with love...
• Soft caresses of my face as I drift off to sleep...

LOVE & BLESSINGS MY FRIENDS!

2012 is gonna be a great year!!!

Shelby & Wilbur posing!

Christmas Eve

So cute!

Christmas

Christmas

New Year's Eve

Silly Bill & our girls!

Yes, Coco is lying on a decline... she's a nut!

  

Asking the universe to help manifest my dreams...

Hi!

How are you?  I'm good, thank you. :)

So, this week someone told me it was the week to ask the universe to help me manifest my dreams.  So that's what I'm gonna do along with a LOT of gratitude!!!

First, gratitude (in no particular order, of course):

• Shelby
• Bill (yes we are together and I can't imagine it any other way!!)
• My awesome friends who support & love me & lift me up when I'm not able
• My job, even on the bad days
• Xopenex, Prednisone and Zithromax (for Shelby's "walking pneumonia") - ay yi yi!!!
• Patience
• Love
• Music
• Second chances
• Facebook (especially when I'm in a court ordered parenting class that is about people going through a divorce... uh, not divorced, never been married... blah blah blah - my friends helped me get through it!)
• Hair color
• Laughter
• Autumn
• Nature
• Indoor plumbing
• Good health
• Smiles
• Our sassy pooches

Now, my dreams (again, in no particular order):

• That I am able to show those I love, how much they mean to me and make a positive impact on them as well.
• That we (Bill & I) continue to work together to bring harmony to our chaotic lives by becoming a family.  The family that we've dreamed of and deserve.
• Accepting and embracing whatever the Universe throws our way. 
• Facing fear and walking through it.
• Rise above all the nonsense with the other parents in our children's lives so that our children are healthy, happy, well adjusted and hopefully don't hate us (at least not all the time) :)
• Continued good health for me & all those around us!
• Expanding the circle of love around me
• That I allow myself to become the best person that I can be and nothing less!

So Universe, please assist me in making my dreams come to fruition.  Please?

Thank you Universe!

Love & blessings to Everyone!!!

Patience is a virtue & good things come to those who wait right????

Have you ever thought “Is this shit storm ever going to end????” Yeah, me too. Too many times to count.

 

I know I’ve written about my childhood before. One of the things that was shoved down my throat was that saying “I love you” is overrated… Of course, being “mature” I know that it is very important to express your love and your feelings in general and not stuff them. Those of you, who know me well, know that the pendulum has gone to both extremes. I think I’m pretty even keeled right now, despite the “Is this shit storm ever going to end?” question repeating itself.

 

Where to start, hmmmmm…

 

My last post was about being stuck, questioning whether I even wanted to move on or let go of the love I felt for Bill. Bill was the first man who made me laugh hysterically, feel safe and showed Shelby what a father is supposed to be. I can’t forget that Bill also just fell off the face of the earth with no warning, when things were going fantastically. I had this theory. Some of my friends don’t like it, or maybe it’s that they think it’s not a good reason for what happened. Growing up, I never felt worthy (perhaps the whole “I love you” thing had a little to do with it). Oh and the fact that I was told over and over that I ruined lives by existing. Yeah, I did it on purpose!! I know what it’s like to have someone GOOD in my life and to run the opposite way as quickly as possible. It wasn’t the other person, it was ME. I didn’t feel worthy. Funny, when sd told Shelby that he was going to kill me & she could watch, that day I finally took stock and stood up for both of us. Then the gastric bypass and even before that I started seeing a therapist. I finally started to feel worthy! Yay me!!!!

 

Over the last six months, I’ve been slightly obsessed with trying to figure out what the hell happened with Bill. To this day, I still feel that he is my forever and I am his. One day, it hit me, worthiness. He didn’t feel worthy. Not to tell his story, but he was dealt a pretty rough hand. He has spent his life living for everyone else and trying to please everyone else. His last “relationship” was a joke. I get angry just thinking about how poorly she treated him (and still does, since they share a child). Shelby has asked many times, why Bill left US and one day I had a “moment of clarity” and explained to her that maybe he didn’t feel worthy. Maybe, the love we gave him overwhelmed him to a point of terror (no matter how crazy that sounds – I do understand it!)

 

So a few weeks ago, I wrote him an email. I told him my theory. I told him that he is worthy and that even if I am not the one that inspires him to walk through his fears, that I hope that he meets someone who does. Because he deserves it. I love him. I haven’t stopped loving him. I know that my friends are so worried about me. I also know several people who have gone through “breaks” in relationships that only brought them closer to their partner. The ultimate goal was to tell him that I loved him, that he is worthy and that I wish him love and happiness.

 

He responded in 7 minutes! Six months, and then 7 minutes! Later that evening, I got an email from him telling me that my theory was right. That he fucked up. That he’s terrified that my friends threats of shooting him were true, and that he never wanted to hurt us. We emailed back & forth. Then nothing for a week. I am a talker. I want to talk things through. I HATE the silent treatment, even if it’s not the silent treatment and just that the other person is processing things. So yeah, I have a little issue with wanting instant gratification. What? I’m not saying it’s good, I am owning it!

 

I wrote again. Telling him how I still love him and that I believed that it’d be crazy for us to have been put in each other’s lives, experience such happiness & love only for us to be apart. Romantic notion? I don’t think so, but I’ve been wrong in my life, many times. My heart tells me differently.

 

I had dinner with Bill on Monday. I asked him what he wanted. He said not to start over but to pick up where we left off. He apologized to me & Shelby. I felt like all was right with the world, like I was HOME. Then he had to go home because he’s going to school full time now.

 

Here I am. Four days later. Still trusting my heart & gut that I have found my forever in Bill and wishing our lives weren’t so fricking hectic busy!! My mantras are “only time will tell” and “breathe”…

 

Court has been HELL! At the last court date, sd LIED (I know, shocking) and said he hadn’t seen Shelby in the month of April, which was bs. Then it was that I refused to let her spend the weekend and he may have seen her but not the weekend I said. Shelby wasn’t there and the judge wouldn’t allow me to go across the street to get her from school (so she could tell the judge exactly when she saw sd in April). So I was found in contempt. Yes. I could’ve gone to jail that day! Luckily the judge set my “sentencing” for 9/21 (next week!) He also ORDERED Shelby to have three evening visitations with sd under his mother’s supervision. I won’t get into details, but suffice to say that Shelby was extremely angry with the judge and is more determined than ever to make sure the judge knows exactly what she wants.

This whole thing with sd is another thing that makes me question “good things come to those who wait”, karma and “patience is a virtue”. I question. I still hope that it is true. It also brings me back to Bill. There is no way that he was brought into our lives to open our hearts & fill our lives with such love and laughter only to be taken away. I KNOW that neither me, Shelby or Bill deserves that.

 

I am now feeling a little scatter-brained, so perhaps I’ll stop before I stop making any sense… Or is it too late? :)

 

Please, pray for swift and just resolution to our court battle. It has dragged on too long and we need to get on with our lives.

 

I am going to continue to believe that saying “I love you” is not only important, but necessary. I’m also going to practice patience and repeat my mantras, over and over and over… Because I can. Because I love. Because I believe in love and forever.

Thanks for reading my ramblings!!!

Love & blessings my friends!!!

Letting go...

Letting go is hard.  Yeah, stating the obvious aren't I?  Well, it is hard dammit!!

I am trying to let go.  I need to let go.  In order to move on (do I want to move on?) I must let go. 

I think I'm scared of allowing myself to be vulnerable again.

I suppose I should work on that.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Shelby
• My awesome friends
• Having a job I love
• Indoor plumbing
• School starts next week!
• Sunshine
• I walked over 6 miles this week! Woo hooo!

 Coco has a minor tear in her ACL :(

We're trying medicine first and hoping that she doesn't need surgery!!

Shelby & Me today (man I need color LOL!)

Love & blessings my friends!!

Trying to get out of this rut...

I’ve been speechless… No really.

There has been so much going on, that I can barely think. Court with sd (for those not in the know that stands for sperm donor) is almost unbearable. I got a bill from my attorney that almost caused me to have a stroke. I promised Shelby I would follow through so I am. This is about her, not me. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now.

Work is busy. I am grateful for my job and the fact that I’ve got more than enough work to do, so I am working overtime. Another reason that I can barely think, I’m working a lot.

Dating. Hah! With all the shit going on in my life, what man would want to deal with me? I didn’t date for years because I was so afraid of sd, and now I’m feeling more empowered and he’s still making my life miserable because he’s trying to drain me emotionally, financially, mentally, in any way possible. He is not thinking about Shelby, but “beating” me. Of course, he’s not paying for the attorney, his mother is. Wait, I said I wasn’t going to talk about court. See what is on my mind all the time? I really hope that things get resolved soon. For my sweet Shelby’s sake. This is hurting her more than he or his mother will ever imagine, and she is old enough to see through all the shit.

Back to dating. It’s not happening. Oh, there are funny stories though. One guy seems to think that he knows what I need and had been sending me emails filled with advice. I always responded thanking him and he’d just keep telling me what to do. Not sure why. Weird and sweet at the same time. Other guys just contact me because I’m local & apparently they think I’ll go meet them without knowing anything about them (no really, I don’t even know his name, but “let’s hang out!” Um, no!) I’d say about 95% of the men see the picture and don’t even bother reading my profile. Because if they did, well, they’d have answers to many of their questions and wouldn’t be so surprised to find out I don’t drink, and I can, in fact spell and use proper grammar to mention just a couple of things. I made my profile unsearchable for now.

I am still so broken hearted from Bill’s sudden disappearance. I hate that we both miss him so much. There are so many unanswered questions and while we really do deserve answers, it’s been 5 months and no contact. I sure hope I can let him go for good, because this lingering sadness sucks! I know that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved unconditionally. I know all that. If only it were that easy.

I’m eating a lot more than I should. I had gastric bypass surgery 19 months ago, lost over 80 pounds and now I’m eating when I’m full. I can’t do this anymore. This summer has been SO hot that I haven’t been able to take walks over lunch. Anyone who doubts there’s some truth to global warming hasn’t walked outside this summer, that’s for sure. The weather is supposed to cool down this week. I am really hoping that I can fit in some walking, I need it! I’ve gained 5-8 pounds, not a lot, but enough to make me feel gross. I have no idea if anyone can tell. Probably not. I don’t want food to be my lover anymore. I can’t believe how easy it has been for me to fall back into this. Even with all the bad stuff going on in my life.

I’m disappointed in myself. I want to scream & yell and throw a tantrum about how shitty my life has been lately. But who the fuck is going to listen? Seriously?! Everyone has their own shit going on in their lives Mary Beth! Yes, I know. But having that cheerleader for a short time, someone who would text me and back me up. Someone who showed my sweet girl how a real dad behaves… Okay, except for the leaving part! I hate this. I hate not knowing why he walked away. We loved him so much.

So yeah, maybe not thinking is sometimes okay. But really, I’m not not thinking. I’m thinking. All the time. About everything. Thinking about why. Thinking about when. Thinking about what if. Thinking about where. Thinking about who or is it whom??? Thinking about everything.

Okay, so yeah, life is pretty rough right now. But there is plenty of gratitude in my heart. No really, there is!!

I am so grateful for:
• Shelby

• My friends

• My awesome job

• School starts in 10 days (woot woot!)

• Shelby has had a pretty darned good summer :-)

• Central air

• Indoor plumbing

• Realizing that I am eating for emotional/wrong reasons

• I am alive

• Having a clean windshield (just cleaned the inside tonight!)

• Therapy

• DVRs

• OnDemand (yes, I’ve been watching a lot of TV, it’s an escape)

I’m tired. I have to figure out what my next step(s) will be. First, I need to get some rest before work tomorrow.

Thank you, my friends, for being there for me. For reading my ramblings. For loving me when I am most definitely feeling unlovable. For reminding me that I am pretty amazing (oh yeah, I said it!)

I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH!!!

I never thought I'd find a kindred spirit in Tatum O'Neal... but I do!

I'm home alone, doing laundry & looked On-Demand for top picks and Ryan & Tatum O'Neal popped up.  So I clicked on it and started watching.

She was on the phone with her brother Griffin & he said "Ryan O'Neal, the man with no remorse" and I wanted to cry!  Because my dad is SO like that.  He has done so many horrible things but has never owned his actions and the consequences to his actions.  He even had his wife (just 8  years older than me) blaming me for his sexual inappropriateness.  Yes, at 15-16 years old I "asked" for the gross attention I got from my father.  Oh and the hitting, I totally deserved that!  Uh huh...

So, here I am watching Ryan O'Neal talk about how his daughter abandoned him... I'm watching Tatum fall apart in therapy.  Ryan is so delusional that he thinks SHE (the child) hurt him... She feels so guilty addressing the past that she's got to walk away from therapy.  He sits there and feels completely sorry for himself.  Is that Narcissism?  I think it might be. 

I avoided therapy for years because I thought I might completely lose it.  Amazingly, I didn't. I hope she goes back to therapy.  I think what scared her more than anything was that she was RIGHT in making the choice to leave her father 25 years ago and cut off ties.  I finally told my dad that I'm done pretending & that I really don't see any reason to communicate, except for the occasional email, about a year ago.  Funny, he even cut off all communication with Shelby.  She texted him on his birthday, he texted back "thanks".  Did he wish her a happy 13th birthday just 2 weeks later?  Hello no!  Oh and HE is so delusional that his "Christmas Letter" included pictures of me & Shelby & my sisters kids that we had sent out for Christmas and he wrote about our lives, like what he was saying was true.  Oh, he also threw in there that he had another tumor removed from his bladder.  I think that was for our (me & my sister) benefit.  Oh, poor me, I have cancer.  Karma's a bitch buddy.  Let's see, not that I should take your inventory but I'm gonna take a stab at it:

• Despite knowing that your very young girlfriend was completely crazy, you got her pregnant and then proceeded to blame the CHILD (me) for every bad thing that happened after that.
• You were cheating on your first wife for pretty much your entire marriage.  There were even times where you moved out WITH OTHER WOMEN and then came back.
• You drank to the point of delirium and then proceeded to DRIVE with your small children in your truck.
• You smoked & snorted as many drugs as you could. 
• You treated your daughter like a secretary and had me make up excuses when you were too hung over or sick to show up for work.
• You felt up your own daughter, multiple times.  Made disgusting suggestions and walked around with your robe open (naked).
• You would chase me through the house, and aim for me, but usually only punched holes in my bedroom door which I miraculously was able to shut & lock before you got to me.
• You dated your fiance and abstained from sex because she was a virgin.  She was 24, I was 16.  You still were a perv around me.
• You hit me so hard, you left a black and blue hand print on my face & ruptured my ear drum.  They REMOVED me from your home because of your violence, but somehow, the law was on your side, and they eventually sent me back.
• You did it again, and again... until my friend's mother refused to let me go home again.
• One day, you wrote a letter to me, or so you say.  I never saw it, but supposedly it was an "amends" letter.  It was stolen.  You refused to send me another.  Amazing how you can only apologize in writing when it is stolen from my mail. 
• You married that virgin, had two children with her and did your damnedest to make sure that I and they knew how worthless I was. 
• Those two children don't even know me.  One of them can barely stand me. Why, I don't know.  It sure isn't because you were honest about your behavior when I was a child... But, I think he's coming around and realizes that even without the booze, you're still slime.
• You snorted away my college fund, but you found a way to send your other children to college.
• Even after all these years, you STILL make inappropriate comments about girls/women despite me asking you NOT to. 
• I will not even elaborate on the emotional/mental abuse.  My God you are a master manipulator!  Fuckhead!
• You take advantage of anyone you possibly can. 
• You have become a 2nd father to a girl who, if she knew what kind of man you are/were (I do not believe you have changed much if at all), she would choose not be around you.

Despite the fucked-up-ness of my childhood, I have survived and I am quite successful.  I really am sorry you had cancer.  I have had two kinds of cancer. Were you there EVER for me?  Nope.  You see, kids don't HAVE to be there for their parents.  I don't expect my child to pick up the pieces when I'm older.  If she does, thank you so  much Shelby.  If she doesn't, it's okay.  It's not her job.  However, I do think that she just might be there for me.  Because I have nurtured her and loved her better than I've ever imagined being loved myself.  YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Oh, and yes, my mom sucked too.  Unfortunately, she's got dementia.  I am not her only child, but I'm the only child who is there for her.  I  have to bite my tongue every single time I speak to her.  She thinks she raised me right! LOL!  You both taught me how not to be.  You see?  So I suppose I can be grateful for that. 

Thanks mom & dad for fucking up so royally that I was determined NOT to fuck up my kid(s) or relationships...  How fucking sad is that?  My parents beat the shit out of me in every way possible, so I refused to be like them. 

Wow.  I suppose I still have some pent up anger/resentment/hurt.  I wonder, will it ever go away?  For my sake and my child's sake, I don't think it will.  I have to remember where I came from, and steer clear of that place forever and ever Amen...

Nothing like a little emotional release, huh?

Now for some gratitude...

• My sweet Shelby
• My fricking awesome friends
• Jennifer Larson (my friend from Hopkins Sr. High School whose mom protected me from evil)
• Patricia B. Larson (Jenny's mom)  - been looking for them forever!
• I am off work until the 11th WOOT WOOT!
• Our pooches <3
• My awesome job (and vacation time) LOL!
• Indoor plumbing
• Central Air
• Knowledge that I am safe now!!

Trusting my gut...

This is going to be quick, but I thought I'd let it out.  I was right.  I should've trusted my gut from the beginning.  Never date someone who is in the process of a divorce.  Even if there has been a long separation. Until those papers are signed by a judge, it's not really over... and still not after that for a while. 

What a dumbass I am.  Okay, not really a big dumbass (a small dumbass? I do have a tiny tush).  I enjoyed the attention, but knew, in the back of my mind that it wasn't quite right.  He was getting attention he hadn't gotten in a long time.  And, I'm kinda cute.  And, I'm pretty darned nice too.  So, can I blame him? Nope.  Am I mad?  Nope.  Am I disappointed?  A little in myself. Because had I trusted my gut, I would never have gone out with him in the first place.  It was nice to reconnect with someone I knew (vaguely) from years ago.  It was nice to go out to dinner and text and all that.  I liked the attention too.

But, as I said in this post, I want the good stuff!  I've been through enough heartache and plain old crap that I think I've paid my dues.  And the man who gives me the good stuff (okay, that sounds a little naughty) will get all of that and more in return!!!  ;o)~

In closing... man that sounds way too formal!

Here is a blog posting from Single Dad Laughing (What not to say to a single person) - I love this post!  No really, my un-single friends and un-single people in general - take a look.  Read, meditate, let it ruminate...

Love & blessings to each and every one of you!!!!! xo