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Asking the universe to help manifest my dreams...

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Hi!

How are you?  I'm good, thank you. :)

So, this week someone told me it was the week to ask the universe to help me manifest my dreams.  So that's what I'm gonna do along with a LOT of gratitude!!!

First, gratitude (in no particular order, of course):
Shelby Bill (yes we are together and I can't imagine it any other way!!)My awesome friends who support & love me & lift me up when I'm not ableMy job, even on the bad daysXopenex, Prednisone and Zithromax (for Shelby's "walking pneumonia") - ay yi yi!!!PatienceLoveMusicSecond chancesFacebook (especially when I'm in a court ordered parenting class that is about people going through a divorce... uh, not divorced, never been married... blah blah blah - my friends helped me get through it!)Hair colorLaughterAutumnNatureIndoor plumbingGood healthSmilesOur sassy poochesNow, my dreams (again, in no particular order):
That I am able to show those I love, how much they mean to me and make a positive imp…

Patience is a virtue & good things come to those who wait right????

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Have you ever thought “Is this shit storm ever going to end????” Yeah, me too. Too many times to count. I know I’ve written about my childhood before. One of the things that was shoved down my throat was that saying “I love you” is overrated… Of course, being “mature” I know that it is very important to express your love and your feelings in general and not stuff them. Those of you, who know me well, know that the pendulum has gone to both extremes. I think I’m pretty even keeled right now, despite the “Is this shit storm ever going to end?” question repeating itself. Where to start, hmmmmm… My last post was about being stuck, questioning whether I even wanted to move on or let go of the love I felt for Bill. Bill was the first man who made me laugh hysterically, feel safe and showed Shelby what a father is supposed to be. I can’t forget that Bill also just fell off the face of the earth with no warning, when things were going fantastically. I had this theory. Some of my friends don’t …

Letting go...

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Letting go is hard.  Yeah, stating the obvious aren't I?  Well, it is hard dammit!!
I am trying to let go.  I need to let go.  In order to move on (do I want to move on?) I must let go. 
I think I'm scared of allowing myself to be vulnerable again.
I suppose I should work on that.
Today, I am grateful for: Shelby My awesome friends Having a job I love Indoor plumbing School starts next week! Sunshine I walked over 6 miles this week! Woo hooo!
Coco has a minor tear in her ACL :( We're trying medicine first and hoping that she doesn't need surgery!!
Shelby & Me today (man I need color LOL!)
Love & blessings my friends!!

Trying to get out of this rut...

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I’ve been speechless… No really.
There has been so much going on, that I can barely think. Court with sd (for those not in the know that stands for sperm donor) is almost unbearable. I got a bill from my attorney that almost caused me to have a stroke. I promised Shelby I would follow through so I am. This is about her, not me. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now.
Work is busy. I am grateful for my job and the fact that I’ve got more than enough work to do, so I am working overtime. Another reason that I can barely think, I’m working a lot.
Dating. Hah! With all the shit going on in my life, what man would want to deal with me? I didn’t date for years because I was so afraid of sd, and now I’m feeling more empowered and he’s still making my life miserable because he’s trying to drain me emotionally, financially, mentally, in any way possible. He is not thinking about Shelby, but “beating” me. Of course, he’s not paying for the attorney, his mother is. Wait, I said I wasn’t go…

I never thought I'd find a kindred spirit in Tatum O'Neal... but I do!

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I'm home alone, doing laundry & looked On-Demand for top picks and Ryan & Tatum O'Neal popped up.  So I clicked on it and started watching.

She was on the phone with her brother Griffin & he said "Ryan O'Neal, the man with no remorse" and I wanted to cry!  Because my dad is SO like that.  He has done so many horrible things but has never owned his actions and the consequences to his actions.  He even had his wife (just 8  years older than me) blaming me for his sexual inappropriateness.  Yes, at 15-16 years old I "asked" for the gross attention I got from my father.  Oh and the hitting, I totally deserved that!  Uh huh...

So, here I am watching Ryan O'Neal talk about how his daughter abandoned him... I'm watching Tatum fall apart in therapy.  Ryan is so delusional that he thinks SHE (the child) hurt him... She feels so guilty addressing the past that she's got to walk away from therapy.  He sits there and feels completely sorry fo…

Trusting my gut...

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This is going to be quick, but I thought I'd let it out.  I was right.  I should've trusted my gut from the beginning.  Never date someone who is in the process of a divorce.  Even if there has been a long separation. Until those papers are signed by a judge, it's not really over... and still not after that for a while. 
What a dumbass I am.  Okay, not really a big dumbass (a small dumbass? I do have a tiny tush).  I enjoyed the attention, but knew, in the back of my mind that it wasn't quite right.  He was getting attention he hadn't gotten in a long time.  And, I'm kinda cute.  And, I'm pretty darned nice too.  So, can I blame him? Nope.  Am I mad?  Nope.  Am I disappointed?  A little in myself. Because had I trusted my gut, I would never have gone out with him in the first place.  It was nice to reconnect with someone I knew (vaguely) from years ago.  It was nice to go out to dinner and text and all that.  I liked the attention too.
But, as I said in thi…

Yeah, I know I have to change my age and other observations...

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I turn 43 in 3 months and my blog says I'm 41.  I'm gonna wait, then ask Traci for a new whatever it's called with the correct age. 
Shelby and I are having an okay summer.  She is actually spending time with my mom twice a week.  Last week & this week, her time over there was Monday - Thursday because she took sailing lessons and is taking more swimming lessons.  She wants to start taking lifeguard classes next summer.  Pretty cool :)
I started dating someone.  He's going through a divorce.  It's weird.  I am still raw from my getting my heart broken earlier this year.  I honestly don't know if either of us is ready for a relationship.  There's a disconnect there.  I don't know why.  Maybe we're still two lost souls.  Only time will tell. 
Let's see.  Work is crazy busy.  I feel like I am always working.  I love my job.  I love the overtime pay.  I paid off my last credit card - woot woot!  But, I'm worn out.  I'm taking the week of…

Is it really May 15th already?

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It sure is AND I am officially the mother of a teenager now!  YIKES!!!!!

There is reall nothing to talk about... No really, not much.  So, I'll share some gratitude with you!

FIVE EFFING YEARS CANCER FREE BABY!!!!ShelbyWilburCocoMy amazing friends (I love you SO very much!)Sunshine (I miss you so!)Generic Zyrtec!My job (and fantastic boss who knows nothing about this blog)Surviving over a month in the same house as a teenage girlBeing able to keep on going!Speaking of going... I have dipped my toe back into the dating waters. No date(s) yet, but thinking about it.Okay, there is one thing that I would LOVE to talk (brag) about, but I can't.  All I can say is that my kid is the AWESOMEST kid and friend ever!  I'm  hoping that I will be able to elaborate sometime in the future.  But, until then, I am so proud that my daughter is BRAVE and stood up for others who couldn't stand up for themselves.  My kid's got cajones!  woot woot! 

Oh, one more thing. After just one visit…

Scanxiety....

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What is scanxiety?  It's the anxious, nervous, stressed out feeling that creeps up before scan time.  I used to have to go in for a long MRI & chest x-ray every three months, then after three years I graduated to every six months for the last two years.  Tomorrow I am going to Chicago (Northwestern Memorial) for my MRI & chest x-ray.  I get the results on the 12th and if everything goes well, I should be bumped out to ANNUAL check-ups! 
I had this idea in my head of how this checkup would be so different because I had someone special in my life who would hold my hand and celebrate with me.  But, he's gone away, right before the big test, and for good as far as I can tell.  I thought I had finally met Mr. Right.  The man of my dreams (okay, he snored loudly and was human), but he was my goofy man, and he made me laugh and feel safe.  This was going to be the year that we would be together and things would finally come together and the birds would sing and sun would shin…

Finding gratitude when my heart is aching...

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I am slowly starting to consider to accept that Bill may be gone for good... It's hard.  Really hard.  I know that I am going to get through this.  I've been through worse, way worse.  I know that.  It's just been a LONG time since I ever considered forever with a man, and I really thought I found the one.
I'm still not sleeping well.  But I'll get there, I know that.
It's Spring Break time for Shelby.  She's going with my mom for a mani-pedi tomorrow (I am so jealous!).  I'm taking Wednesday through Friday off.  My six month scans are this weekend.  Hopefully we'll have nice weather so we (me, Shelby & her friend Allie) can have a good time in Chicago after my loooooong MRI & chest x-ray.  Oh oh oh, if my results show that I'm NED, that makes FIVE YEARS! Then, I'll only have to go once a year... I can handle that.  Much easier than cancer, that's for sure!
Okay, I'm going to work on finding things to be grateful every day.  Wit…

How long?

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It's been 24 days since I last saw Bill.  It was at the ER, Shelby was there for a fainting and asthma "episode".  I know it was hard for him to be there because of previous bad things happening in hospitals (his wife passed away at 30 years old). 
Okay, so it's been 24 days.  I'm DYING.  No, not literally.  But, my heart is breaking into little tiny pieces.  We had plans.  He had plans with Shelby.  We had plans to combine our families, after fixing up my house & selling it.  I'm guessing those plans are no more.  Or, is this "normal" for a man? 
I have NOT had a serious relationship in, oh, probably more than 15 years.  13 because of my fear of the wrath of the sperm donor.  I finaly meet someone special.  I mean, you saw my post.  He read it too.  He looked me in the eyes and told me that I was it for him.  My child loves him.  The dogs love him.
He's gone.  He's alive.  At least he was when his step-daughter responded to my "hey,…