Um, can I get a re-write???

So this is love...

2012-01-06T23:57:00.000-06:00

Make You Feel My Love

Written by Bob Dylan

Covered by Adele

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
Know there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love, To make you feel my love

Since my sweet Bill came into my life, this song has played over and over in my head and heart. This is what love is! I get it now!!!!

Things don't always go the way I would like them to, but there is no one else that I would rather go through all the ups and downs with than him!

I am alive. Shelby is alive. We are well. There's still a lot of chaos going on with the court stuff with sd. Hopefully that will change soon. But until then, we will persevere!!

Christmas was spent with Bill & family and we rang in 2012 with our girls! I'm no longer a red head. Yesterday, I went back to a color closer to my natural color (dark brown), but warmer.

Okay, time for gratitude!!!!

The Universe
Shelby
Bill
All of my wonderful friends - I am truly blessed! <3
My great job
Love
Laughter
Hair color
2 years post-op and today I weigh 142, exactly 80 pounds down!!!
Still NED - woot woot!
New anti-cyber bullying legislation as of 1/1/12, very thankful for that!
Beautiful blue eyes looking at me filled with love...
Soft caresses of my face as I drift off to sleep...

LOVE & BLESSINGS MY FRIENDS!

2012 is gonna be a great year!!!

Shelby & Wilbur posing!

Christmas Eve

So cute!

Christmas

New Year's Eve

Silly Bill & our girls!

Yes, Coco is lying on a decline... she's a nut!

Asking the universe to help manifest my dreams...

2011-11-09T20:53:00.000-06:00

Hi!

How are you? I'm good, thank you. :)

So, this week someone told me it was the week to ask the universe to help me manifest my dreams. So that's what I'm gonna do along with a LOT of gratitude!!!

First, gratitude (in no particular order, of course):

Shelby
Bill (yes we are together and I can't imagine it any other way!!)
My awesome friends who support & love me & lift me up when I'm not able
My job, even on the bad days
Xopenex, Prednisone and Zithromax (for Shelby's "walking pneumonia") - ay yi yi!!!
Patience
Love
Music
Second chances
Facebook (especially when I'm in a court ordered parenting class that is about people going through a divorce... uh, not divorced, never been married... blah blah blah - my friends helped me get through it!)
Hair color
Laughter
Autumn
Nature
Indoor plumbing
Good health
Smiles
Our sassy pooches

Now, my dreams (again, in no particular order):

That I am able to show those I love, how much they mean to me and make a positive impact on them as well.
That we (Bill & I) continue to work together to bring harmony to our chaotic lives by becoming a family. The family that we've dreamed of and deserve.
Accepting and embracing whatever the Universe throws our way.
Facing fear and walking through it.
Rise above all the nonsense with the other parents in our children's lives so that our children are healthy, happy, well adjusted and hopefully don't hate us (at least not all the time) :)
Continued good health for me & all those around us!
Expanding the circle of love around me
That I allow myself to become the best person that I can be and nothing less!

So Universe, please assist me in making my dreams come to fruition. Please?

Thank you Universe!

Love & blessings to Everyone!!!

Patience is a virtue & good things come to those who wait right????

2011-09-16T18:44:00.000-05:00

Have you ever thought “Is this shit storm ever going to end????” Yeah, me too. Too many times to count.

I know I’ve written about my childhood before. One of the things that was shoved down my throat was that saying “I love you” is overrated… Of course, being “mature” I know that it is very important to express your love and your feelings in general and not stuff them. Those of you, who know me well, know that the pendulum has gone to both extremes. I think I’m pretty even keeled right now, despite the “Is this shit storm ever going to end?” question repeating itself.

Where to start, hmmmmm…

My last post was about being stuck, questioning whether I even wanted to move on or let go of the love I felt for Bill. Bill was the first man who made me laugh hysterically, feel safe and showed Shelby what a father is supposed to be. I can’t forget that Bill also just fell off the face of the earth with no warning, when things were going fantastically. I had this theory. Some of my friends don’t like it, or maybe it’s that they think it’s not a good reason for what happened. Growing up, I never felt worthy (perhaps the whole “I love you” thing had a little to do with it). Oh and the fact that I was told over and over that I ruined lives by existing. Yeah, I did it on purpose!! I know what it’s like to have someone GOOD in my life and to run the opposite way as quickly as possible. It wasn’t the other person, it was ME. I didn’t feel worthy. Funny, when sd told Shelby that he was going to kill me & she could watch, that day I finally took stock and stood up for both of us. Then the gastric bypass and even before that I started seeing a therapist. I finally started to feel worthy! Yay me!!!!

Over the last six months, I’ve been slightly obsessed with trying to figure out what the hell happened with Bill. To this day, I still feel that he is my forever and I am his. One day, it hit me, worthiness. He didn’t feel worthy. Not to tell his story, but he was dealt a pretty rough hand. He has spent his life living for everyone else and trying to please everyone else. His last “relationship” was a joke. I get angry just thinking about how poorly she treated him (and still does, since they share a child). Shelby has asked many times, why Bill left US and one day I had a “moment of clarity” and explained to her that maybe he didn’t feel worthy. Maybe, the love we gave him overwhelmed him to a point of terror (no matter how crazy that sounds – I do understand it!)

So a few weeks ago, I wrote him an email. I told him my theory. I told him that he is worthy and that even if I am not the one that inspires him to walk through his fears, that I hope that he meets someone who does. Because he deserves it. I love him. I haven’t stopped loving him. I know that my friends are so worried about me. I also know several people who have gone through “breaks” in relationships that only brought them closer to their partner. The ultimate goal was to tell him that I loved him, that he is worthy and that I wish him love and happiness.

He responded in 7 minutes! Six months, and then 7 minutes! Later that evening, I got an email from him telling me that my theory was right. That he fucked up. That he’s terrified that my friends threats of shooting him were true, and that he never wanted to hurt us. We emailed back & forth. Then nothing for a week. I am a talker. I want to talk things through. I HATE the silent treatment, even if it’s not the silent treatment and just that the other person is processing things. So yeah, I have a little issue with wanting instant gratification. What? I’m not saying it’s good, I am owning it!

I wrote again. Telling him how I still love him and that I believed that it’d be crazy for us to have been put in each other’s lives, experience such happiness & love only for us to be apart. Romantic notion? I don’t think so, but I’ve been wrong in my life, many times. My heart tells me differently.

I had dinner with Bill on Monday. I asked him what he wanted. He said not to start over but to pick up where we left off. He apologized to me & Shelby. I felt like all was right with the world, like I was HOME. Then he had to go home because he’s going to school full time now.

Here I am. Four days later. Still trusting my heart & gut that I have found my forever in Bill and wishing our lives weren’t so fricking hectic busy!! My mantras are “only time will tell” and “breathe”…

Court has been HELL! At the last court date, sd LIED (I know, shocking) and said he hadn’t seen Shelby in the month of April, which was bs. Then it was that I refused to let her spend the weekend and he may have seen her but not the weekend I said. Shelby wasn’t there and the judge wouldn’t allow me to go across the street to get her from school (so she could tell the judge exactly when she saw sd in April). So I was found in contempt. Yes. I could’ve gone to jail that day! Luckily the judge set my “sentencing” for 9/21 (next week!) He also ORDERED Shelby to have three evening visitations with sd under his mother’s supervision. I won’t get into details, but suffice to say that Shelby was extremely angry with the judge and is more determined than ever to make sure the judge knows exactly what she wants.

This whole thing with sd is another thing that makes me question “good things come to those who wait”, karma and “patience is a virtue”. I question. I still hope that it is true. It also brings me back to Bill. There is no way that he was brought into our lives to open our hearts & fill our lives with such love and laughter only to be taken away. I KNOW that neither me, Shelby or Bill deserves that.

I am now feeling a little scatter-brained, so perhaps I’ll stop before I stop making any sense… Or is it too late? :)

Please, pray for swift and just resolution to our court battle. It has dragged on too long and we need to get on with our lives.

I am going to continue to believe that saying “I love you” is not only important, but necessary. I’m also going to practice patience and repeat my mantras, over and over and over… Because I can. Because I love. Because I believe in love and forever.

Thanks for reading my ramblings!!!

Love & blessings my friends!!!

Letting go...

2011-08-13T23:01:00.000-05:00

Letting go is hard. Yeah, stating the obvious aren't I? Well, it is hard dammit!!

I am trying to let go. I need to let go. In order to move on (do I want to move on?) I must let go.

I think I'm scared of allowing myself to be vulnerable again.

I suppose I should work on that.

Today, I am grateful for:

Shelby
My awesome friends
Having a job I love
Indoor plumbing
School starts next week!
Sunshine
I walked over 6 miles this week! Woo hooo!

Coco has a minor tear in her ACL :(

We're trying medicine first and hoping that she doesn't need surgery!!

Shelby & Me today (man I need color LOL!)

Love & blessings my friends!!

Trying to get out of this rut...

2011-08-07T22:12:00.000-05:00

I’ve been speechless… No really.

There has been so much going on, that I can barely think. Court with sd (for those not in the know that stands for sperm donor) is almost unbearable. I got a bill from my attorney that almost caused me to have a stroke. I promised Shelby I would follow through so I am. This is about her, not me. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now.

Work is busy. I am grateful for my job and the fact that I’ve got more than enough work to do, so I am working overtime. Another reason that I can barely think, I’m working a lot.

Dating. Hah! With all the shit going on in my life, what man would want to deal with me? I didn’t date for years because I was so afraid of sd, and now I’m feeling more empowered and he’s still making my life miserable because he’s trying to drain me emotionally, financially, mentally, in any way possible. He is not thinking about Shelby, but “beating” me. Of course, he’s not paying for the attorney, his mother is. Wait, I said I wasn’t going to talk about court. See what is on my mind all the time? I really hope that things get resolved soon. For my sweet Shelby’s sake. This is hurting her more than he or his mother will ever imagine, and she is old enough to see through all the shit.

Back to dating. It’s not happening. Oh, there are funny stories though. One guy seems to think that he knows what I need and had been sending me emails filled with advice. I always responded thanking him and he’d just keep telling me what to do. Not sure why. Weird and sweet at the same time. Other guys just contact me because I’m local & apparently they think I’ll go meet them without knowing anything about them (no really, I don’t even know his name, but “let’s hang out!” Um, no!) I’d say about 95% of the men see the picture and don’t even bother reading my profile. Because if they did, well, they’d have answers to many of their questions and wouldn’t be so surprised to find out I don’t drink, and I can, in fact spell and use proper grammar to mention just a couple of things. I made my profile unsearchable for now.

I am still so broken hearted from Bill’s sudden disappearance. I hate that we both miss him so much. There are so many unanswered questions and while we really do deserve answers, it’s been 5 months and no contact. I sure hope I can let him go for good, because this lingering sadness sucks! I know that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved unconditionally. I know all that. If only it were that easy.

I’m eating a lot more than I should. I had gastric bypass surgery 19 months ago, lost over 80 pounds and now I’m eating when I’m full. I can’t do this anymore. This summer has been SO hot that I haven’t been able to take walks over lunch. Anyone who doubts there’s some truth to global warming hasn’t walked outside this summer, that’s for sure. The weather is supposed to cool down this week. I am really hoping that I can fit in some walking, I need it! I’ve gained 5-8 pounds, not a lot, but enough to make me feel gross. I have no idea if anyone can tell. Probably not. I don’t want food to be my lover anymore. I can’t believe how easy it has been for me to fall back into this. Even with all the bad stuff going on in my life.

I’m disappointed in myself. I want to scream & yell and throw a tantrum about how shitty my life has been lately. But who the fuck is going to listen? Seriously?! Everyone has their own shit going on in their lives Mary Beth! Yes, I know. But having that cheerleader for a short time, someone who would text me and back me up. Someone who showed my sweet girl how a real dad behaves… Okay, except for the leaving part! I hate this. I hate not knowing why he walked away. We loved him so much.

So yeah, maybe not thinking is sometimes okay. But really, I’m not not thinking. I’m thinking. All the time. About everything. Thinking about why. Thinking about when. Thinking about what if. Thinking about where. Thinking about who or is it whom??? Thinking about everything.

Okay, so yeah, life is pretty rough right now. But there is plenty of gratitude in my heart. No really, there is!!

I am so grateful for:
• Shelby

• My friends

• My awesome job

• School starts in 10 days (woot woot!)

• Shelby has had a pretty darned good summer :-)

• Central air

• Indoor plumbing

• Realizing that I am eating for emotional/wrong reasons

• I am alive

• Having a clean windshield (just cleaned the inside tonight!)

• Therapy

• DVRs

• OnDemand (yes, I’ve been watching a lot of TV, it’s an escape)

I’m tired. I have to figure out what my next step(s) will be. First, I need to get some rest before work tomorrow.

Thank you, my friends, for being there for me. For reading my ramblings. For loving me when I am most definitely feeling unlovable. For reminding me that I am pretty amazing (oh yeah, I said it!)

I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH!!!

I never thought I'd find a kindred spirit in Tatum O'Neal... but I do!

2011-07-02T20:11:00.000-05:00

I'm home alone, doing laundry & looked On-Demand for top picks and Ryan & Tatum O'Neal popped up. So I clicked on it and started watching.

She was on the phone with her brother Griffin & he said "Ryan O'Neal, the man with no remorse" and I wanted to cry! Because my dad is SO like that. He has done so many horrible things but has never owned his actions and the consequences to his actions. He even had his wife (just 8 years older than me) blaming me for his sexual inappropriateness. Yes, at 15-16 years old I "asked" for the gross attention I got from my father. Oh and the hitting, I totally deserved that! Uh huh...

So, here I am watching Ryan O'Neal talk about how his daughter abandoned him... I'm watching Tatum fall apart in therapy. Ryan is so delusional that he thinks SHE (the child) hurt him... She feels so guilty addressing the past that she's got to walk away from therapy. He sits there and feels completely sorry for himself. Is that Narcissism? I think it might be.

I avoided therapy for years because I thought I might completely lose it. Amazingly, I didn't. I hope she goes back to therapy. I think what scared her more than anything was that she was RIGHT in making the choice to leave her father 25 years ago and cut off ties. I finally told my dad that I'm done pretending & that I really don't see any reason to communicate, except for the occasional email, about a year ago. Funny, he even cut off all communication with Shelby. She texted him on his birthday, he texted back "thanks". Did he wish her a happy 13th birthday just 2 weeks later? Hello no! Oh and HE is so delusional that his "Christmas Letter" included pictures of me & Shelby & my sisters kids that we had sent out for Christmas and he wrote about our lives, like what he was saying was true. Oh, he also threw in there that he had another tumor removed from his bladder. I think that was for our (me & my sister) benefit. Oh, poor me, I have cancer. Karma's a bitch buddy. Let's see, not that I should take your inventory but I'm gonna take a stab at it:

Despite knowing that your very young girlfriend was completely crazy, you got her pregnant and then proceeded to blame the CHILD (me) for every bad thing that happened after that.
You were cheating on your first wife for pretty much your entire marriage. There were even times where you moved out WITH OTHER WOMEN and then came back.
You drank to the point of delirium and then proceeded to DRIVE with your small children in your truck.
You smoked & snorted as many drugs as you could.
You treated your daughter like a secretary and had me make up excuses when you were too hung over or sick to show up for work.
You felt up your own daughter, multiple times. Made disgusting suggestions and walked around with your robe open (naked).
You would chase me through the house, and aim for me, but usually only punched holes in my bedroom door which I miraculously was able to shut & lock before you got to me.
You dated your fiance and abstained from sex because she was a virgin. She was 24, I was 16. You still were a perv around me.
You hit me so hard, you left a black and blue hand print on my face & ruptured my ear drum. They REMOVED me from your home because of your violence, but somehow, the law was on your side, and they eventually sent me back.
You did it again, and again... until my friend's mother refused to let me go home again.
One day, you wrote a letter to me, or so you say. I never saw it, but supposedly it was an "amends" letter. It was stolen. You refused to send me another. Amazing how you can only apologize in writing when it is stolen from my mail.
You married that virgin, had two children with her and did your damnedest to make sure that I and they knew how worthless I was.
Those two children don't even know me. One of them can barely stand me. Why, I don't know. It sure isn't because you were honest about your behavior when I was a child... But, I think he's coming around and realizes that even without the booze, you're still slime.
You snorted away my college fund, but you found a way to send your other children to college.
Even after all these years, you STILL make inappropriate comments about girls/women despite me asking you NOT to.
I will not even elaborate on the emotional/mental abuse. My God you are a master manipulator! Fuckhead!
You take advantage of anyone you possibly can.
You have become a 2nd father to a girl who, if she knew what kind of man you are/were (I do not believe you have changed much if at all), she would choose not be around you.

Despite the fucked-up-ness of my childhood, I have survived and I am quite successful. I really am sorry you had cancer. I have had two kinds of cancer. Were you there EVER for me? Nope. You see, kids don't HAVE to be there for their parents. I don't expect my child to pick up the pieces when I'm older. If she does, thank you so much Shelby. If she doesn't, it's okay. It's not her job. However, I do think that she just might be there for me. Because I have nurtured her and loved her better than I've ever imagined being loved myself. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Oh, and yes, my mom sucked too. Unfortunately, she's got dementia. I am not her only child, but I'm the only child who is there for her. I have to bite my tongue every single time I speak to her. She thinks she raised me right! LOL! You both taught me how not to be. You see? So I suppose I can be grateful for that.

Thanks mom & dad for fucking up so royally that I was determined NOT to fuck up my kid(s) or relationships... How fucking sad is that? My parents beat the shit out of me in every way possible, so I refused to be like them.

Wow. I suppose I still have some pent up anger/resentment/hurt. I wonder, will it ever go away? For my sake and my child's sake, I don't think it will. I have to remember where I came from, and steer clear of that place forever and ever Amen...

Nothing like a little emotional release, huh?

Now for some gratitude...

My sweet Shelby
My fricking awesome friends
Jennifer Larson (my friend from Hopkins Sr. High School whose mom protected me from evil)
Patricia B. Larson (Jenny's mom) - been looking for them forever!
I am off work until the 11th WOOT WOOT!
Our pooches <3
My awesome job (and vacation time) LOL!
Indoor plumbing
Central Air
Knowledge that I am safe now!!

Trusting my gut...

2011-06-20T17:10:00.000-05:00

This is going to be quick, but I thought I'd let it out. I was right. I should've trusted my gut from the beginning. Never date someone who is in the process of a divorce. Even if there has been a long separation. Until those papers are signed by a judge, it's not really over... and still not after that for a while.

What a dumbass I am. Okay, not really a big dumbass (a small dumbass? I do have a tiny tush). I enjoyed the attention, but knew, in the back of my mind that it wasn't quite right. He was getting attention he hadn't gotten in a long time. And, I'm kinda cute. And, I'm pretty darned nice too. So, can I blame him? Nope. Am I mad? Nope. Am I disappointed? A little in myself. Because had I trusted my gut, I would never have gone out with him in the first place. It was nice to reconnect with someone I knew (vaguely) from years ago. It was nice to go out to dinner and text and all that. I liked the attention too.

But, as I said in this post, I want the good stuff! I've been through enough heartache and plain old crap that I think I've paid my dues. And the man who gives me the good stuff (okay, that sounds a little naughty) will get all of that and more in return!!! ;o)~

In closing... man that sounds way too formal!

Here is a blog posting from Single Dad Laughing (What not to say to a single person) - I love this post! No really, my un-single friends and un-single people in general - take a look. Read, meditate, let it ruminate...

Love & blessings to each and every one of you!!!!! xo

Yeah, I know I have to change my age and other observations...

2011-06-19T16:43:00.001-05:00

I turn 43 in 3 months and my blog says I'm 41. I'm gonna wait, then ask Traci for a new whatever it's called with the correct age.

Shelby and I are having an okay summer. She is actually spending time with my mom twice a week. Last week & this week, her time over there was Monday - Thursday because she took sailing lessons and is taking more swimming lessons. She wants to start taking lifeguard classes next summer. Pretty cool :)

I started dating someone. He's going through a divorce. It's weird. I am still raw from my getting my heart broken earlier this year. I honestly don't know if either of us is ready for a relationship. There's a disconnect there. I don't know why. Maybe we're still two lost souls. Only time will tell.

Let's see. Work is crazy busy. I feel like I am always working. I love my job. I love the overtime pay. I paid off my last credit card - woot woot! But, I'm worn out. I'm taking the week of July 4th off. I have to. Not sure if we'll be doing anything exciting. But I won't be working! I really do need to shampoo the carpets. Maybe I'll find time to do that then lol :)

Oh, yesterday was my company picnic. It was at Great America. This was the first time I've been to Great America in 30 years! Wowza, is that place HUGE! I can't ride ride, my stomach is too sensitive. Shelby & her friend Allie went on lots and we also went to the water park. We weren't there for more than 90 minutes, but I am RED!!! Yes, I used sunscreen. Apparently not enough! I'm slathering on aloe vera gel with lidocaine every couple of hours. I am hoping I won't peel too much!

This is pre-sunburn :)

Today is Father's Day. What's there to say? My father was a complete failure as a father and as a man really. A few weeks ago, he sent me & my sister an email with a new email address, addressed to "Daughters". This is because both of us have told him that we really don't want to speak to him. Oh, and he didn't even bother to send Shelby an e-card or email for her 13th birthday. That's what he would do for every one of my birthdays. Just more evidence that he is still a FAILURE. Even though he's never been a father, just a drunk perv, to me - I get sad when I hear that he acts as a 2nd father to my youngest brother's best friend (a female) and then I wonder if they know gross he really is. Okay, I have issues. No, they don't go away just because of therapy. The one thing I can say is that my parents taught me how NOT to be. I suppose that is a pretty damned good lesson.

SD isn't a father, but of course, finally contacted Shelby after receiving the father's day card that I picked out for her to send to him. Only took him two months since the last time he saw her. Loser. I'm sorry, but really, after raising her for 13 years, putting up with the physical and psychological abuse from him & his mother, I just can't muster up any "nice". I did talk to him today, to confirm times & where they were going (of course, only to his mom's house for dinner, since that's where he lives & she's his driver since he has no license). He told Shelby he was going to AA. Yeah, he was in AA when I met him, he was also drinking and using heroin & crack during that time. Amazingly Shelby has very low expectations, so I don't think she'll be disappointed. Me? I just do not like him at all. I try to remember the gift I got in Shelby. I DO remember that. All the time. Sometimes though, it's not enough to make me not bristle when his name is brought up.

Now for some gratitude!!

Shelby
My wonderful friends who take me just as I am!
My awesome job
Therapy
Aloe vera gel
Being able to keep on going, no matter what
Listening to & trusting my gut
Finding a new church, UU church in Woodstock - I feel calm there
Indoor plumbing

Last but not least, my friend Tracy. She is 26 weeks pregnant. Her water broke last week. She didn't go into labor & is in the hospital. She will be there until her baby girl is born. Please pray, think good thought, send good vibes to her and her baby to keep on cooking and growing and developing! The goal is to get her to 34 weeks (correction) August 10th and then the baby can come. I've already told Tracy that this little girl's mission is to teach her what is really important in life, AND that she's taking after her mother and making her presence known and won't let anyone forget that she is important! LOL :)

There are many friends of mine who I don't get the chance to express to them how much they mean to me. Okay, there is one who acts like if I told her how much she means to me, she would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West! Yes, you Traci!

Maybe my goals for this summer should be to have fun, take better care of myself, have fun, be more spontaneous and have fun! Can anyone teach me how to have fun???

Love you all & thanks for reading this BORING post!

Is it really May 15th already?

2011-05-15T22:11:00.000-05:00

It sure is AND I am officially the mother of a teenager now! YIKES!!!!!

There is reall nothing to talk about... No really, not much. So, I'll share some gratitude with you!

FIVE EFFING YEARS CANCER FREE BABY!!!!
Shelby
Wilbur
Coco
My amazing friends (I love you SO very much!)
Sunshine (I miss you so!)
Generic Zyrtec!
My job (and fantastic boss who knows nothing about this blog)
Surviving over a month in the same house as a teenage girl
Being able to keep on going!
Speaking of going... I have dipped my toe back into the dating waters. No date(s) yet, but thinking about it.

Okay, there is one thing that I would LOVE to talk (brag) about, but I can't. All I can say is that my kid is the AWESOMEST kid and friend ever! I'm hoping that I will be able to elaborate sometime in the future. But, until then, I am so proud that my daughter is BRAVE and stood up for others who couldn't stand up for themselves. My kid's got cajones! woot woot!

Oh, one more thing. After just one visit with sd & his family, she asked my attorney to petition to have all visitation rights terminated. I was shocked! But, I suppose I shouldn't have been. The last two years without him & his family bullying us has given us both time to become stronger and know what we want out of life. Imagine that! I am SO grateful that I have created a safe environment for my sweet girl (hormonal & moody too) to express her needs and wants without fear of being judged!

I will leave you with a few recent pictures.

Our reflection in The Bean

My Teenager

Wilbur hates it when I take his picture!!

What you talkin 'bout Coco??

Yesterday (5/14/11)

Thanks for sticking by me & loving me my friends. I don't know if I can ever express how each of you means to me!

Love & blessings my friends <3

Scanxiety....

2011-04-01T22:08:00.000-05:00

What is scanxiety? It's the anxious, nervous, stressed out feeling that creeps up before scan time. I used to have to go in for a long MRI & chest x-ray every three months, then after three years I graduated to every six months for the last two years. Tomorrow I am going to Chicago (Northwestern Memorial) for my MRI & chest x-ray. I get the results on the 12th and if everything goes well, I should be bumped out to ANNUAL check-ups!

I had this idea in my head of how this checkup would be so different because I had someone special in my life who would hold my hand and celebrate with me. But, he's gone away, right before the big test, and for good as far as I can tell. I thought I had finally met Mr. Right. The man of my dreams (okay, he snored loudly and was human), but he was my goofy man, and he made me laugh and feel safe. This was going to be the year that we would be together and things would finally come together and the birds would sing and sun would shine... blah blah blah... So yeah, that's not gonna happen. I get it. Still wish things were different.

I've done so much on my own. Stood up against my abusers. Virtually raised myself. Lived in my car for a brief time. Fought cancer TWICE. Bought my house on my own. Raising my child alone. Taking responsibility for making sure my mom is safe. Fighting an abusive ex who is over $16,000 behind in child support and his crazy mother. I'm tired. I've always relied on Mary Beth. Only Mary Beth. Can't expect anyone to fight next to me or on my behalf. 42 years. Pretty much all alone. Then, I met someone who made me smile and open up my heart. He made me feel lovable and worthy. I let my guard down. I loved him. First time I have loved a man, allowed myself to be vulnerable in I couldn't tell you how long.

Then poof! He's gone. It's been almost 5 weeks. No contact. I'm not expecting any contact. He left stuff here that I would imagine if he wanted them, he'd contact me. He hasn't. So either he feels that horrible for walking away that he'll just deal with it OR he was really just playing me for a fool.

I am going to be MB and think higher of him. I'm trying to not be bitter or angry. His wife died 11 (2000 I believe) years ago from lung cancer. He was 29 with a 6 year old and 11 year old step-child. There were only 2-3 months between her diagnosis and her passing. I can't even imagine how that felt. I know that is not what he envisioned happening in his life. Who would? After that, he dated some pretty horrible people. I mean, nasty women. It was probably for the best. I've been there, date a loser, you won't be disappointed, right?! Then he meets me, I'm fricking awesome. I bring back all those feelings that he felt with his wife and I'm a cancer survivor. What an awesome combo huh? So the anniversary of her death was coming up and I ask him to come with me for my tests. Maybe it was too much. I don't know. I am not excusing his behavior at all. He could've told me what was wrong and that would've been better than what he did. I don't know if he'll ever talk to me again.

I am feeling selfish right now. I wish that I had someone to hold my hand and kiss my forehead and be my cheerleader. I want to hear "I could look at your face forever" again.

I want good stuff.

Especially now.

I want to feel adored.

I want to feel desired.

I want to feel loved.

I deserve it.

Okay, before you say anything, I know I am loved. I've got awesome friends who love & support me. This is different and you know it. It's like someone saying "but you have Shelby" - oh really? Shelby has me! I'm her mother. It's my job to take care of her, love her, comfort her, nuture her. Not the other way around.

I want a partner to stand beside me. To bounce things off of. Who will tell me I'm beautiful when I really look like shit, because that is what I need to hear and he sees beauty in me always. I will be his champion, his partner, his cheerleader, his everything. I'll also probably be a huge pain in his ass, but pain he's willing to deal with because of my awesomeness (and I will put up with him being an ass at times too!)

I want someone who is going to stick next to me when things are tough and running the other way seems easier. I want someone who knows my worth and I his...

I thought I had found him. Maybe it was bad timing or I'm getting closer to the right person???? I don't know. I do know that I'm really tired of going at this alone. I'm ready to share, everything.

Am I a big dreamer? Is it too late?

In the meantime, tomorrow, Chicago, MRI, x-ray & wandering with two tweens (yikes)!

Here are a couple of pictures from last night, Shelby & I picked up her new glasses and then had dinner at Chili's! I am in trouble with her, she'll be 13 in 13 days! Any suggestions on ways to keep the boys away??????

Despite all the challenges in my life, I do know that I am blessed.

Love & blessings my friends!!!

Finding gratitude when my heart is aching...

2011-03-27T22:52:00.000-05:00

I am slowly starting to consider to accept that Bill may be gone for good... It's hard. Really hard. I know that I am going to get through this. I've been through worse, way worse. I know that. It's just been a LONG time since I ever considered forever with a man, and I really thought I found the one.

I'm still not sleeping well. But I'll get there, I know that.

It's Spring Break time for Shelby. She's going with my mom for a mani-pedi tomorrow (I am so jealous!). I'm taking Wednesday through Friday off. My six month scans are this weekend. Hopefully we'll have nice weather so we (me, Shelby & her friend Allie) can have a good time in Chicago after my loooooong MRI & chest x-ray. Oh oh oh, if my results show that I'm NED, that makes FIVE YEARS! Then, I'll only have to go once a year... I can handle that. Much easier than cancer, that's for sure!

Okay, I'm going to work on finding things to be grateful every day. With the horrible things happening all over the world, I do realize that my heartbreak isn't the worst thing that could happen. I am just not happy about it at all dammit! I really did think I had found my forever. Who knows, right?

Today, I am grateful for...

Shelby (even when she's extremely moody & teenager-ish)
Wilbur
Coco
Opening my heart and finding out that I am lovable.
My awesome friends who have lifted me up and continue to do so!
My friend Kevin for fixing one of my two lawnmowers so far! :)
My therapist Angela
A new roof (need a referral in IL, let me know - my roofer is FANTASTIC!)
Indoor plumbing (oh yes I am!!)
Today
Tomorrow
Y O U!!

Coco and Wilbur

Me and my new glasses

Doesn't Coco look thrilled?

Coco yawned as Shelby tried to rub her chin

Coco wasn't really happy about the bow, but it was cute!

Love & blessings my friends...

I lost my signature for this post, so you get a plain one.

xoxo :) mb

How long?

2011-03-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

It's been 24 days since I last saw Bill. It was at the ER, Shelby was there for a fainting and asthma "episode". I know it was hard for him to be there because of previous bad things happening in hospitals (his wife passed away at 30 years old).

Okay, so it's been 24 days. I'm DYING. No, not literally. But, my heart is breaking into little tiny pieces. We had plans. He had plans with Shelby. We had plans to combine our families, after fixing up my house & selling it. I'm guessing those plans are no more. Or, is this "normal" for a man?

I have NOT had a serious relationship in, oh, probably more than 15 years. 13 because of my fear of the wrath of the sperm donor. I finaly meet someone special. I mean, you saw my post. He read it too. He looked me in the eyes and told me that I was it for him. My child loves him. The dogs love him.

He's gone. He's alive. At least he was when his step-daughter responded to my "hey, is everything okay with your dad? I haven't heard from him in a while" email. She did not like me contacting her. I was worried. I couldn't reach him at home, on the cell, on IM or text. I thought something had happened.

Obviously something did. I just don't know what.

How long until my heart stops hurting? How long until he contacts me & tells me what happened? Will he ever contact me? How long until I feel better? What do I tell my sweet (and ornery, hormonal, almost teenaged) little girl? Why the hell did this happen and what the hell did I do to deserve this?

I don't think I did anything to warrant this type of treatment. I do know that people change their minds. Sometimes for no reason. HOWEVER, if you've spent time planning a life with someone, the least you could do is say "goodbye" or "gotta go" or "I'm miserable" or "I can't do this" or "you stink" or "eff you" or "I'm scared" or something! I've been told that I should not make someone a priority if I'm only an option for them. In theory that sounds fantastic. What happens if you've already let the wall down, given your heart to that person and they you and all of a sudden POOF, you're suddenly "just" an option????

I can't break down in front of Shelby, I can't lose it at work, a few tears might fall on my way home from work - but this sucks. I miss someone who obviously doesn't want to be a part of our life... Someone who can't even muster up a "goodbye". How could we have been so wrong? How can something seem so perfect come to such an abrupt end?

I've heard the "buck up buttercup" comments and the "he's a fucking asshole" comments. No, really, I've heard every one of them. I also heard the "you deserve better" comments. I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER. I had better, until 24 days ago. Or, he was really good at faking it.

Anyone who is in a relationship, a caring, honest, relationship would want to know if something was wrong. No matter how much the truth hurt. That includes me. The not knowing is what is absolutely killing me. There is no period or exclamation point at the end of the US in this. Just ...

Maybe someday he'll be able to write/email/text/call/smoke signal something to us.

After everything all of us have been through, this is not how things should've gone. Honesty & consistency, right?

Seriously, how long?????

What a change a couple of months can bring!!

2010-12-27T14:42:00.000-06:00

Hi :)

How are you?

I'm doing better than I could've ever imagined! So good, it's kind of scary, but I'm walking through my fear!!

I've met someone special. I mean VERY special! His name is Bill. I'd post a picture of us, but I'll ask his permission first. Not that I think he'd mind. He is AMAZING! Yeah, I know I sound like a school girl. Too bad. Deal with it people! I've always heard people say "you know when you know". Well, I know! I know that some of my friends are concerned, because they love me. Only time will show them what I already know. I'm near tears just writing this. He makes me so happy! When he's not here, I miss him. Not a "oh my God, I wonder where he is or what he's doing" miss him, silly people. A something is missing miss him, as in life is just that much better when he is around miss him.

Shelby & I spent Christmas with his family & it was more fun that I would've ever thought possible! He's got three kids and they are all AWESOME. His mom is great, his brothers are hilarious & their significant others are fantastic as well. It felt so good to be with people who weren't abso-fricking-lutely crazy nuts, intense. Everything was perfect. We were where we were supposed to be.

Perhaps waiting, and not settling was the right choice. Hehehe... Yeah, I'm a dork. The Princess of Dorkdom, I know it!

Bill looks at me like no other man has ever looked at me. I feel loved. I feel so at ease with him. He thinks I'm perfect! Now now, no need to tell him the truth. He'll figure it out himself... Shelby adores him. Wilbur loves him more than me (NO FAIR) and Coco, well she is still an annoying, funny puppy.

Bill snores too! When he reads this, he will shake his head and argue that he doesn't. Really it doesn't matter. I'll take him, exactly the way he is. Snoring all night long, as long as we're together! It's getting harder to be away from each other. Which isn't bad, not to me. But it does stink, because we do have things that we must do apart from each other. I suppose it's yet an extension in my lesson of patience. Which kinda annoys me but I'll deal with it, because I know I'll love what the end result is!

Life is pretty darned good! I am truly blessed! So blessed, that I've got a big gratitude list!

Shelby
Bill
Love
Patience
Wilbur & Coconut
Indoor plumbing (as always)
Plenty of Fish (where I met Bill) website
Cancelling my POF membership, and all other online dating memberships
Laughter
Sore cheeks & belly (from aforementioned laughter)
Blue eyes that look at me adoringly
Feeling right at home in the arms of a wonderful man
Love
Love
Love
Did I mention LOVE?

Can you tell I like him a little? Yup I does!

Okay, so that's it for now. I hope you all are doing well and that you had a wonderful Christmas!

Please have a safe and Happy New Year!

Love & blessings my friends!!

UGH! Asthma sucks and some gratitude too!

2010-10-11T21:47:00.000-05:00

Sooooo, yeah, it’s been 3 months. Uh huh… No excuses. I mean, not even “I’m having a great time” excuses! Grrrrrr!

I am probably going to post a couple of times this week. Or at least I’m planning on it. So prepare yourselves (if there is more than one person reading this blog, that is!)

I’m down 81 pounds – WOOT WOOT!!!! I feel great! No sluggishness, I’m in a size 6-8 pants/skirts and a 12-ish on top (I’m down to a 36DD – it’s a feat if you knew me before!) I think I have a shopping problem… But then again, I need to buy new clothes; the size 20 pants & 2X-3X shirts won’t fit no matter how much cinching is going on!! LOL :) I am NOT complaining! I am enjoying looking good.

So yeah, the puppy is still here. The big dog, still here. The kid, still here. Me, still here. Besides that, not much else… Oh except for the whole kid in hospital part…

So, my lovely, wonderful, tween. I adore her! I can’t imagine life without her. Sometimes, I do ponder strangling her! She’s had asthma since she was a toddler, over the last year or two, it’s been really controlled. So much so, that she didn’t have to take Advair anymore. Yay! She was just on Flovent. I’m not going to even try to sound like I know the difference, but I believe the Flovent doesn’t have an inhaled steroid like Advair. Soooooo, right after school started, she got sick. I made her get right back on Singulair (which we were trying to not take unless she had a flair up).

Then, on September 16th, while I was in a oh so fun All Hands meeting at work, the school nurse called & said Shelby was in distress. Then she called me again. I tried SD, his mother, my grandfather (84 years old) and my mom (so she could get my grandfather). No answers. I’m an hour away. Another call from the nurse, please hurry. We will call the ambulance if we need it. I get to the school and get her in the car. We are about 10 miles from school, she says “We need to go to the ER Mommy” – OH MY GOD!!! We go directly to the ER; the staff doesn’t seem to be concerned. Probably because she looked just fine. They gave her multiple breathing treatments and released her after four hours with instructions to follow-up with her pediatrician in the morning.

Morning comes, she’s still feeling cruddy. The symptoms that started the day before are different. Tight chest. She’s quiet. Still pink. We get to the pediatrician’s office. They give her back-to-back treatments and order me to take her back to the ER and the doctor shows me the fax from the ER and asks me to try to find out why they released her the day before when her lungs were still “tight”.

I took her back to the ER. The intake nurse looks at me like I’m crazy. Her oxygen levels are good, blah blah blah. I explain that the pediatrician sent us and that I wouldn’t be there unless the pediatrician thought she needed to be. We get into a room in the urgent care area. First a nurse and then a Physician’s Assistant listen to my baby’s lungs. Then, she has to use the restroom, so I walk her over there. As I was waiting outside the restroom, I hear the nurse & P.A. talking about how neither could hear any air moving in my honey bunches lungs. OH MY GOD!!! Scared the bejesus out of me. In the meantime, SD shows up. Then, they admit her. Then I inform the hospital about the order of protection. My reasoning was I didn’t want him to try to remove her from the hospital or worse yet, try to make medical decisions for her! We were cool. I left to go pick up some stuff from home. Within ½ hour, I get a call from Shelby telling me that they were kicking SD out of the hospital. Seriously? NOW SOMEONE IS GOING TO TRY TO PROTECT US?!

The nurse gets on the phone and tells me everything is okay, that she told her supervisor and that the supervisor said SD had to leave because of legal reasons. I’m like WTF people? My kid is having a severe asthma attack and you’re adding to her stress! She’s in the hospital; just let him stay until I get back. Nope. I was really trying to do right by my baby. Then, the cops call from her cell to tell me how wrong I was to allow him to be at the hospital. Seriously? You’re going to do this now? When I’m trying to get back to the hospital to be with my child who is ALONE?! Yep, that’s what I’m doing. Nice.

I get back to the hospital, things calm down. Shelby says that it was okay that they made him leave. He was getting really pushy about what she ate and was cranky. I tried to call him and his mother, no answers. I left messages trying to explain. Of course, no calls back. Surprise!

Shelby was in the hospital until the afternoon of September 20th and then home on be rest after that. We had one failed attempt at returning to school on the 27th. She lasted 3 hours before her peak flow plummeted to 150 (lower than it had been in the hospital). She spent another week on bed rest and finally returned to school on October 4th.

Throughout this whole ordeal, I was reminded what wonderful friends I have. I am SO thankful for all of you. I love you all very much. I hope you know that! My sister came out two days in a row, and was such fun for Shelby. Traci & Debbi brought Shelby lots of goodies too. To my friends who stepped up and were there for me THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Since SD was asked to leave the hospital, neither he nor his mother has called to check on my precious girl. Oh, his mom did call one day – called Shelby’s cell phone and proceeded to drill Shelby with stupid questions (lady, she’s in the HOSPITAL) and then hung up on her for no reason. Okay, so I had left a message earlier that day telling her to feel free to call ME if she wanted an update on Shelby’s health. I may have said “if you care at all” or something like that. I had also left messages for both SD & his mother letting them know that they could call me if they wanted to know anything and that I was sorry that things got so messed up at the hospital and it was not my intention at all. As if they even listened to the messages, right? Ugh!

I believe there has been one voicemail on Shelby’s cell from his mother. Something about “tight chest” stuff going around. I want to scream at the woman, this isn’t contagious! She had a SEVERE ASTHMA ATTACK and was IN THE HOSPITAL you stupid woman! But, no, I didn’t.

Through all of this, I worked. I worked from home, but I worked my ass off! I had to give Shelby her nebulizer treatment every 4 hours, so I would stay up past midnight every night to give her a treatment and I’d work. Apparently this was an issue, but I didn’t know until I returned to work. Things are okay now. I am truly blessed with a wonderful boss & co-workers and great job.

So yeah, it’s been a pretty exhausting few weeks. Don’t even get me started on the ambulance ride in July or the one LAST WEEK (all Shelby). Okay, short versions: July was after she hit her head; last week was an episode that the school nurse thought was another asthma attack. It resolved too quickly and the Asthma specialist thinks the episode last week was most likely Vocal Cord Dysfunction. Ahhhhhh, nothing simple for me or my kid! We go to see the asthma doc on Saturday; I’m also going to mention the VCD to Shelby’s therapist. Sounds like it is very common for people who have been through a traumatic event (like a 2 ½ week long asthma attack). Maybe I’ll do a post about it later on. I know you can’t wait! LOL!

In the midst of all of the medical crises, I wrote an important letter. That will be on a separate post.

Wow, 1425 words to summarize roughly 3 weeks of our life… not too bad, right?

Before I sign off, I must do a gratitude list!!!

Shelby
Wilbur (big dog) & Coco (puppy)
Good doctors
My fricking awesome support network!!
Health
My great job!
Laughter
Hugs
Steroids (short term, for bronchial tube/airway opening use only folks!)
Sleep
I made my last car payment last week!
AUTUMN
My birthday (last week)
Smiles
Did I mention my awesome friends?!?!?!?!?!

So yeah, I hope this didn’t bore you… if you got through the whole post.

Oh, Shelby is doing much better. She is still on inhaled & oral steroids, but we’re in the process of tapering them off.

I hope you are all enjoying my favorite season ever! Okay, so it’s kinda warm, but sweater weather is right around the corner, I can feel it!!

Love & Blessings My Friends!!

Time to refocus...

2010-07-11T13:40:00.001-05:00

Wow, it's been weeks since my last post. I know, you missed me right? ;o)~

Where to start....

How about I had my six month post-op checkup and was officially down 73 pounds and Dr. Heydari said if I stayed exactly where I'm at, my surgery is a success! Yay! Last time I weighed myself, I was down to 142 pounds! Dr. H and I agree that going below 130, I'd probably look a little silly. He said I shouldn't change a thing that I'm doing. I've tried not to.

What else... hmmmmm, I have been dating someone. We'll call him D. We had originally met months ago on POF and then I met B and told him that I was going to focus on B, only for B to freak out and say I was too good (whatever!) So, then there were a few men that I was chatting with, and D came back into the picture. He was so sweet and I could imagine him adoring me! After our first date, he said something like "if you're going to see other men, you're not going to see me." That can be taken as sweet (awwww, he wants commitment) or possessive (wtf, you've been on one date). I decided to look at it in a positive way. Sounds perfect, right? Yeah, well, not so much. He lives about 55 miles away so we don't see each other often. When we do, it's usually during the week (no, have no idea why) and we're both worn out from work, so not much time to talk and get to know each other. He had a little blow-up a few weeks ago and I tossed it up to him having a bad day. Friday he had another blow up and was just ranting about things that never happened, or things he was making huge assumptions about. This was all over the phone and was very frustrating for me, because he was bouncing from one thing to another not making any sense. Of course, he would say "I'd love nothing more than to spend more time with you, but...." and "I love talking to you, but..." or "I love being with you, but..." But what? Dude, the "but" negates every single thing you say before it! So yeah, that got me thinking. And I haven't stopped thinking about it. Last night after spending the day with Shelby & her friend Allie at the company picnic, I went outside and saw my neighbor. I told her a little bit about the issues with D. She said something that made everything click. She said "In the beginning of a relationship, you should be having fun. You've got a whole lifetime to be miserable." Wow, she's right! I'm waiting for him to call me so we can have a talk. I'm pretty sure he knows it's coming, but I need to refocus my energy back on me.

With the "boyfriend" came eating more things like pretzels & snacks. It's like I was comforting myself without even knowing it! YUCK! I haven't weighed myself, I'm a little scared. I probably haven't gained much, if any, but I know I'm not feeling as good as I was a month or two ago. Okay, so I've taken a small step back. I can live with that. At least it hasn't taken me over 12 years like it did before!

Oh! We got a puppy! Are you crazy, you ask? YES I AM! Her name is Coco (or Coconut because she is NUTS!) and she is a Ruby Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Wilbur was pretty freaked for the first few days, but he's doing much better now. He is tolerating her and her puppy behavior. He hasn't even growled when she goes after his food. That is showing a LOT of restraint. I figure he'll let her have it soon enough. Coco is six months old and does well in her crate, but potty training is a lot of work! I haven't ever had a puppy in my adult life, so this has been a shock to me & Shelby!

Coco(nut) our new puppy! <3

Oh! I reconnected with my step-sister Rachal. She has lived a rough life and I hadn't seen her in 15 years when last Friday, Shelby, Nicki & I were having dinner at Olive Garden and Nicki said "do you know that lady???" I looked up and there was a server staring at me. It was Rachal! Holy cow! Since then, we watched the Wonder Lake 4th of July parade with Rachal & her 4-year-old son and Rachal has taken Shelby to the pool for the day just a few days ago. I am very proud of Rachal coming out of the years long tailspin that she was in. She's actually acing all of her nursing classes! No joke, straight As! Yay Rach!

Me & Rachal

Oh! Yeah, I've said that a few too many times, huh???? Update on my mom. She has had three neuro-psych testing sessions and we should get a diagnosis in the next month or so. She seems to finally be at peace with the fact that something is definitely wrong with her. She's got atrophy of her brain, which can be the result of her alcoholism, mental illness, medication or dementia/alzheimers. I am actually just looking forward to finding out what is wrong with her so we can do what we need to do. She turns 60 on the 14th and we have a few surprises for her.

Shelby looking cute bossing Nana around on the roller coaster at the carnival

I can't believe summer is half way over already, can you?! I was walking 4 days a week until it got way too hot to walk during the day at work. I want to get a bicycle so Shelby & I can ride. It's too hot to even take Wilbur for a walk. It's just torture for him. I suppose I could get off my rear and go for a walk by myself... Hmmmm, amazing what happens when I start writing things down!

Me & Shelby at the company picnic

I think that's enough for now. I'm sure I forgot a whole bunch o stuff, but will be blogging again soon.

I think I might do a vlog entry tonight as well. But first, I must wash a sink full of dishes and prepare for Traci to bring over their puppy, Shadow. We will be watching her for 10 days while Traci's family is in Orlando later this month. Yep, more proof that I'm absolutely crazy! I think it'll be fun and might show Wilbur a thing or two about playing. We'll find out soon enough!

Love & blessings!!!

Long time, no post!

2010-05-29T12:20:00.001-05:00

Hi Everyone!

How are you guys doing? I'm fine. No really, fine is probably the best word to use. I am home alone this weekend, for the first time in I don't know how long! I'm also recovering from a sinus & ear infection combo - yes, I know, you're jealous.

I haven't posted in a while and I apologize to my 7 followers :o) Life has gotten in the way. It's been weird. Not sure if I'm ready to share, but 2010 is definitely a year of upheavals and change!

This post won't be long, but I thought I'd say "hi" before I begin enjoying my 3-day weekend!

Oh, here's a couple of pictures of me from last Friday. I'm down 73 pounds!

Me and a very tall co-worker (Tom), he knelt down because I'm so short, and yes, he's almost as tall as me on his knees...

My name is Mary Beth and I am SHORT! ;o)

I'm not really fond of this picture, but it's a little snapshot of me until I get a better one!

Love and blessings to you you all!!!!

Weight Loss Update, Dating Trials and Tribulations & Gratitude!!

2010-04-25T20:25:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone! So, it’s been a while since I posted. How have you been?

First, here are the links to my latest vlog posts: Part 1 & Part 2

Something very “exciting” just happened in my kitchen. Shelby announced that she was going to make herself some eggs for dinner. The rule is she can’t use the stove or oven when I’m not home. I’m home. Everything is cool. Not so much! I hear this loud WHOOSH and turn around in time to see flames shooting out from under the pan. How did that happen? Well, Shelby thinks it’s perfectly okay to spray the non-stick spray WITH THE FRICKING BURNER ON! Yes, I freaked out! I can’t believe she did that! I mean, holy cow! Needless to say, I yelled and told her how dangerous what she did was and told her how she could’ve really gotten severely hurt. Of course, her reaction was “I’m never speaking to you again!” Yep, I’ve got a pre-teen! Lovely, huh?

Let’s see, on the weight loss front – I am 16 ½ weeks post-op and am down 66.6 pounds! Pretty darned cool, huh? I’m right in between size 10 & 12, depending on the day. I have 3 pairs of jeans, 3 shirts, one blouse & two pairs of slacks that fit. That’s all. I need to buy a winning lotto ticket so I can stock up on new clothes. I have treated myself to new underwear – cute boy short type ;o) My old undies, well, they were old and HUGE!
I’ve been walking 2 – 2.5 miles Monday-Thursday at lunchtime. I’ve only been able to go to the gym once a week (at the most), and my free membership runs out on 5/17. I think I’ll be buying a big exercise ball and various dumbbells for toning. Right now, that’ll be my best bet. Plus, I plan to work on the Wii Fit Yoga stuff soon.

A couple of months ago, I got this Free eHarmony membership, for just a weekend. I signed up, went through all their questions and then was contacted by a bunch of weirdoes. Apparently eHarmony isn’t much different than any other dating site, except they cost a LOT more! So, when the free part was done, I deleted my membership.
Then, I re-activated my account on plentyoffish.com (pof.com) which is a free online dating site. I haven’t used it since 2007, but I thought what the heck and posted some new picture and updated my profile and sat back to see what the site would provide. I received a lot of emails. Not all of the guys were my type. Some were really over the top, almost caricature-like and really in love with themselves. Others were really nice. Others, well – um, have I mentioned missing teeth is a deal breaker for me? Also, not wanting children is another deal breaker. I exchanged emails (on pof.com) with a bunch of guys. There was one local guy who seemed really nice. He worked in road construction. I’ll call him “D”. So he and I exchanged a bunch of emails and then phone numbers. We spoke once, and then nothing. He had asked me to friend him on Facebook, so I did. There was another guy “R” who I found out worked for the same corporation as me, just a different division. We emailed back and forth for a while. Then “R” sent me an email that he had met someone and after a few dates was “clicking” with her and wanted to see how things would go. Yay for “R”. Then there was “M” who doesn’t want children, can’t spell really at all, but I can figure out what he’s trying to say and his emails are nice. So I tell him he’s not my type, but we can email back & forth.
Then there is “B”. He’s divorced, a father of a tween girl and in the trades. He lives about an hour away but we really clicked right away on email, then texting and phone calls. He said several times “it’s like we’ve known each other for years!” and it really did. It was pretty darned cool. He happened to be a plumber so I joked that I had lots of work for him to do! He asked what I needed and I responded I was joking. But, my crawl space has been flooding for years, so I did mention that. Next thing I know he’s going to find time to come down and look at my “crock” – which I now know is the big plastic “bucket” that is positioned in the sump pit, that the sump pump goes in. So the big joke was “you just want me for my crock!” Which just cracked me up! So last Saturday “B” and his daughter came down to see me & Shelby. He brought roses for me and a gift card for Shelby’s birthday (smooth!!) I got a wonderful BIG hug from “B” and then he went down into my crawlspace to check out my crock (heheheh!) The girls took Wilbur for a walk while I watched “B” in the crawl space. He’s pretty cute, in a rugged way. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t like “pretty boys” or metro sexual types (ew!!) Every time I walked past me, he brushed against me, or hug me and then one time he came up to get a tool (uh huh) he kissed me! WOW!
We needed to go to Home Depot to get some supplies. Chili’s is right next to Home Depot, so we stopped there. The girls were being sassy and conspiring against us, it was pretty cute. Then we went to Home Depot and the girls ran around while we spent our time diligently looking for the supplies needed to get my crock in order ;o) Then, we decided to drive to the Volo Auto Museum. When we got there, we found out it would close in a half hour, so we decided to take the girls for Culvers. While they were eating their concretes (and we were drooling) Shelby said “they should go to church with us!” I told “B” they didn’t have to go, but that the girls would have a blast and we could be the “lovey dovey” couple that I always end up sitting behind – they’re so distracting, holding hands and looking all mushy! He said he was game for anything! WOW! Then, Shelby said “you’re like the dad I never had”. Almost broke my heart in two. It was SO sweet and sad at the same time. Thankfully I was able to keep it together & not cry.
We had an hour to kill before church, so I suggested we go to the Volo Bog. We drove there, and just as the truck locks clicked “B” realized his keys were still in the truck! Uh oh! We called the police they said unless a child or animal was locked in the vehicle, they wouldn’t help. I made a few calls and found a locksmith who would get the truck unlocked for $50. I won’t go into the stupid conversation I had with the guy who answered the phone, only because it was his brother who drove up 20 minutes later and apologized for his brother’s ignorance!
After the lock incident, we decided we’d talk a walk through the bog with the girls. Can you believe I forgot my camera? Yep, me, the camera freak forgot my camera! The girls were crazy, making the floating platforms wiggle and shake – stinkers! We didn’t go to church. We went back to the house, the girls were hungry again and I started making them mac-n-cheese. “B” realized we had left a 2x4 at Home Depot. Perhaps we were a little distracted… I fed the girls, locked them in the house & we drove to pick up the “abandoned” 2 x4. Of course, we pulled over and had a fun make out session. Then Shelby called and asked if we had run away to Wisconsin. We couldn’t have been gone more than ½ hour – it was hilarious!
We went back to my place, “B” finished up the work on my sump & crock and then I helped him pack up all his tools and they left around 11. I’d have to say it was my best day in MANY years! I even posted that on my Facebook page. Remember “D” the local guy? I hadn’t heard from him in a week or two, not a call, email or text – he emailed me on FB and told me what a waste of time I was. Nice huh? Yeah, I thought so!
“B” called when they got home Saturday night and we talked/texted every day (multiple times a day) after that. We had discussed getting together again this weekend, as he had his daughter, but he had to check his work schedule, which I completely understand. During the week, I accidentally dialed a wrong number (added and extra number to his number) and I think I got his ex-girlfriend on the phone! I thought it was his daughter and said “Hi, is your dad home?” and she sounded pissed and I realized it was not his daughter. I told him about it the next time we spoke. He didn’t say anything, just laughed. I figured everything was fine, but I wanted to tell him I dialed the wrong number – just in case it was her.
Thursday night, he called and I suggested that he come over that night, because we both had had stressful days and wouldn’t it be nice to just hang out & cuddle. He had to run an errand and then a little bit later, he called and said he was on his way to see me! I was thrilled! He arrived after 9 and I noticed a different look on his face. Regret? I know I didn’t look as made-up as I had for our date, I’d worked all day. Disappointment? I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something. We talked for a bit, and then Shelby came out to check on us (always the chaperone) and then went to bed. We had another fun make out session but we were both really tired. We’d already had the discussion about SEX and he knew that I would not be having sex with anyone until I knew that my head and my heart were aligned with the other person’s. I’ve gone without it (sex) for over three years people! I know that if I have sex with a man, I’ve given him much more than that. Of course, we fooled around a little more, but Wilbur was with us (yes, on the bed) the whole time and sleep was calling us both. Shelby came in when she got up (I’m sure to see if “B” was still there – because there are never men sleeping over!) “B” is a slow wake-upper (yes, new word) so he finally left around 8:30 (an hour later than planned).
I haven’t heard his voice since.
I texted him a couple of times on Friday and left a message (or two) but by the evening had realized that he wasn’t going to call me back. This is frustrating! Why? Because, in my experience, men have a tendency to go full steam ahead with someone they like and then when there is the potential for a relationship, all of a sudden they put the brakes on. I suppose it was silly of me to think that men in their 40s would be more mature than men in their 20s (the last time I really dated anyone seriously) WRONG!!!
Saturday, “B”s daughter & Shelby were texting each other. Funny. I still hadn’t heard from him. I finally texted him while I was waiting in the church lobby (I’m sure it’s called something else, but you know what I mean). I just said “Is everything okay?” He responded and said yes, but he’s having a hard time and needs time. My oh my! I knew it! I saw the change in the way he looked at me on Thursday night and ignored it. I’m disappointed that I didn’t just ask him what was wrong then. I ignored it.
I had actually told the other men that I was corresponding with that I had met someone and wanted to see how it would go. “B” had told someone that he thought he had caught his fish! So cute, huh? I had talked to his friends on the phone. They would ask when I was coming up to meet them. I suppose that fed the fire to make me think things were better than they really were/are. I don’t know!
Today, I got a Facebook friend request from (drum roll please) his ex-girlfriend! No, I am NOT kidding! Seriously, what the heck? Why would some chick in her mid-40s try to be my FB friend because I am dating her ex? I graduated from highschool 24 years ago. It was painful enough back then. Grow up! That’s just YUCK!

So, I have no idea what is going on with “B”. I hope he just doesn’t drop off the face of the earth, because I think we both deserve to be able to discuss whatever the issue is. Even if the issue isn’t mine. There was a connection there. I’m disappointed. :o(

Time for gratitude!!!!!!
• Shelby (fire hazards and all)
• My new crock & sump setup!
• Having the best day in years with “B”, his daughter & Shelby!
• My awesome friends (you know who you are)
• Going through my closet & drawers again!
• Scrubbing the tub
• 66.6 pounds gone forever baby!
• Knowing that I will get through whatever is thrown my way
• Staying calm despite some major challenges (stuff with my Mom)
• Payday is Friday!
• Wilbur
• Indoor plumbing
• My job :o)
• YOU!!

Love and blessings to you all!!!!

Chicago, NED and Gratitude!

2010-04-06T21:51:00.002-05:00

This past Saturday, I had to travel to Northwestern Memorial (in Chicago) for my 6-month MRI & chest-x-ray. I brought three cheerleaders with me, Shelby, SA and Emma! Of course, they had to wait in the waiting room for over an hour while I had my tests, but when I got back in the waiting room, they had blankets and were lying on the floor watching TV. Not bad girls! ;o)

We had lunch at Friday's, which is conveniently located across the street from the hospital.

Me & the girls:

Emma, Shelby & SA

Aren't they so cute? :)

While we were eating lunch, I realized that the sun was coming out (it had been raining since Friday). So we decided to take a walk to Millenium Park!

As we approached the park, I saw this:

Do you see the yellow "guy" in the middle of the road? I wonder, did it just happen or did someone spend time to form a little person at the busy intersection...

Then we approached the infamous "Bean"!!!

SA, Emma & Shelbs holding up the Bean

Let us reflect on our day so far.... ;o)

E, SA & S (of course mine is talking!)

This was taken by Shelby with my new Blacberry Tour - I was worried that my head might explode with three tweens, but it was a great day!

Our last stop was the Sears Tower!

We went all the way up to the Skydeck (103rd floor) and it was WAY COOL!!!

See????

Then, there was the line to the elevator. The girls got a little silly!

I took 367 pictures Saturday. I really thought I took more. But only 367 and a handful of pics with the Blackberry. Yes, I am disappointed. Have no idea why, but I am!

I am not going to go into the altercation we had with 3-5 punks (depending on the moment) while we were in line to take the elevator up. The end result was I'm getting a refund on the tickets to the Skydeck and the punks weren't allowed to go up. Long story. Moral: Do NOT mess with a Mama Bear!

Moving on!

Today, I went to see Dr. Wayne, my surgical Oncologist, at Northwestern. Our visit was quick but VERY good! I am still NED (No Evidence of Disease) and have just one more year of 6 month visits and then I'll only have to go once a year after that (for the rest of my life). He also said that the gastric bypass surgery has aided in making my liver function improve greatly! Bonus!

Time for some gratitude...

Shelby Grace

Wilbur

NED!

My amazingly wonderful friends!

I'm officially down 60 pounds - WOO HOOOO! Size 12 jeans are a little loose - pretty exciting! :)

I ordered some clothes from Chadwicks last week. I haven't been able to order from them in, well, at least 10 years!!

Running into a fellow Liposarcoma survivor at Northwestern. She is just 6 months out and is just overwhelmed with everything. I hope I'll be able to help her see that these appointments will become more "routine" in another year or two and it will just be something she does. I hope!

My Small Group understanding my need to take a break and stay away for a while.

Laughter

Meeting new people

Feeling great!!!!!

Taking care of me

Indoor plumbing (always)

"champagne pills" for Wilbur - he gets so freaked over thunderstorms!

Spring!

Love and blessings to you all!!!

Gratitude - take two!

2010-03-30T23:09:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I got a hysterical call from Shelby. She was in my mom's car & they were in an accident! Supermom MB kicked into gear and got there as fast as I could. Everyone is fine, the car, not so much!

A friend on Facebook posted a "Glad List" on her page today. It reminded me that I have so much to be grateful for, including:

Shelby Grace - I love her so much!
Shelby & my mom were uninjured
My most excellent friends (Traci is super-cool) ;o)
My awesome job
Kindness
I'm down 58.8 pounds (as of 10:44 tonight!)
Things really are looking up!
Taking a fun hike yesterday with Shelby & Wilbur
Trying new things
The swamp is coming to life - the frogs are singing their songs!
Indoor plumbing
Laughter
Smiles

I'm going to close with a few of the pictures I took on our hike yesterday.

Love and blessings to you all!!

What do you want, and a sprinkle of gratitude.

2010-03-07T22:05:00.002-06:00

So, yeah, I've been single for a LONG time. Not intentionally. There were extenuating circumstances (I was scared of Shelby's father) that prevented me from even trying really.

Things have changed. No he hasn't changed. I have. I am now ready to test the waters. I know that I am worthy of being loved. For some that's a "given", for me, eh not really. Yeah, we all have issues/baggage. Mine was pretty heavy for a long time. Now that I've lost FIFTY POUNDS (woo hoo!) I'm starting to feel better about my appearance (I didn't say my issues were all gone - LOL).

I've been thinking about what kind of man I think I would like to spend time with. Tell me if I'm expecting too much:

Kind
Compassionate
Believes in a higher power
Loving
Affectionate
Patient
FUNNY (I can't believe I forgot to include this originally!)
Taller than me (I'm 5'2")
Under 50, unless he's super hot, then maybe I could be convinced ;o)
Hard working
Great smile (missing teeth is a deal breaker)
A good friend
A man of his word
Non-smoker (or he's going to quit)
If he drinks, it's just once in a while

So that list isn't too bad is it? I have an issue with age. Anyone who knows me, knows exactly why. As for the teeth - missing teeth is just yucky. I'd never be able to look at the guy if he was missing teeth because I'd be staring at the gaping hole in his mouth! I know I've missed a few things, but that give you an idea of what I think would work for me. Not really ruling out any "type" either. I think it's a pretty darned good list!

Okay, enough talk about boys...

Gratitude time!
   50 pounds gone foreva baby!!!
   I had chicken & a little rice today & it went down & stayed down!
   Shelby
   Wilbur
   fuzzy socks
   sweatshirts (man I'm cold!)
   Laughter
   My amazingly wonderful friends!!! I love them all so much!
   Car washes = no salt on the car!
   My furnace

   Walmart Vision Center (picked up Shelby's cool glasses today)
   My job
   Being alive
   Hugs
   Rocking baby Autumn at church last night. Immediate peace!
   Perserverence!

That's all for tonight folks.

I hope you all have a wonderful week ahead.

Be well!

Love & blessings to you all!

Gratitude!

2010-03-03T22:35:00.000-06:00

Today, I am grateful for:

Shelby
My absolutely awesome friends!
Wilbur the Wonder Dog
Being able to stand up for myself and what I feel is right
Being able to walk away when I've had enough
The desire to surround myself with kind, loving, compassionate, positive people
I have lost 48 pounds (as of 10:30 tonight)!!!!!!
Having a conversation with the sperm donor without screaming or yelling.
Meeting with my new therapist tomorrow.
Waking up without a migraine!
Have I mentioned my fantabulous friends???? ;o)
Free will
Kind people
Our home
Filling up the (rodent proof) dog food container without spilling half the 40 pound bag of small bites dog food!
Being alive!
Today
Tomorrow

Love and blessings to you all!!!!

I'm a liar...

2010-03-01T20:45:00.000-06:00

Okay, I’ve been in denial lately…

I’ve lost 47 pounds since my surgery on 12/29/09 – Yay! I should be super happy, thrilled with the amazing progress I’ve made, right? Yeah, I’m not.  Not that I’m not happy or thrilled about losing close to 50 pounds in 9 weeks. It’s that I’m just not happy.

Rewind…

It’s been 11 months since I officially started my WLS (weight loss surgery) journey. Very soon after I started my “medically managed weight loss program” required by my insurance, a friend started telling me about his experience. Pretty much right away he started talking about the shortcuts or workarounds of eating. I started wondering how healthy he really was. Then, his posts on my blog were very strange. Like, I didn’t understand a few of them. Then, he would tell me the same story over and over. I realized he was drinking heavily. So, despite losing 200 pounds after having gastric bypass surgery, this guy was drinking to excess. FYI – drinking alcohol is the number one thing to avoid after surgery. I mean, every piece of literature, blog, website – everything – says do not consume alcohol. Another drink that is “forbidden” is soda (or pop whatever you want to call it). Why? Because it can expand the pouch you spent tens of thousands of dollars on! Back to this friend. He offered to come stay with me when I had my surgery. I kept that in the back of my mind. I knew his life was spinning out of control. Frankly, I really didn’t want him to come. He was talking about cooking for me post-surgery. Um, I’ll be on a liquid diet for at least 3 weeks post-op, what the hell are you going to cook for me? I was getting concerned. Wondering what he was thinking. Needless to say, things finally got bad enough for him to see that maybe he had a problem with alcohol. Still he was talking about how everyone around him was making his life miserable….

In late fall/early winter I strongly suggested he get help. I told him to contact his Employee Assistance Program immediately. He said he couldn’t get through. I immediately got the phone number from him and called them myself. They called him moments later. Unfortunately, it would take time to get him into treatment. So he went around, on a dry drunk for several weeks, thinking it was okay to sit there and behave like a 2-year-old. I actually had to stop posting comments to his blog because I couldn’t say “awwww, poor baby, your life is soooo rough!” Because it wasn’t. Everyone has troubles. He’s just been drowning his sorrows with alcohol for many years.

Just before he got into treatment, he acted as though he was the only person to ever have a problem with alcohol. Like “I am SICK, you HAVE to help me”. I was getting tired of it. He went into treatment. His friends who were in close proximity to him (I’m out of state) surrounded him with love. They moved his stuff. They coddled him (in my opinion). In my experience with regard to being related to so many alcoholics oh and dating several – it’s not just the drinking that needs to change. It’s the THINKING. So, for months, I’ve been hoping that he would stop placing blame, pointing fingers, complaining that everyone is out to get him, the poor alcoholic who has been in AA for just a very short time – and becoming a person who accepts responsibility for his actions and focuses on bettering the only person he can change – HIMSELF! I was hoping that he would stop looking for the “quick fix” or shortcut (as he seems to have done with eating post-WLS).

Just recently, he made a post about his mediation for his divorce and mentioned me several times in his post. I couldn’t believe it because I’m the one who made sure that his EAP contacted him when he was in dire straits. So, I was really hurt, and angry. I posted a comment to his blog explaining that I feel he really needed to focus on himself instead of pointing fingers at his soon to be ex or me! FYI – I haven’t seen him since 1985! So then, his next post is about why he stayed with his wife and how he’s a “fixer’ and he was trying to “fix” his marriage for many years, blah blah blah. Again, excuses. I’ve got to stay away from the blog because he is behaving the same way he did when he was drunk, except he can’t blame alcohol.

I know, this is long, but I’m just so tired of all the shit that I have taken on (yes, willingly) but now I’m giving it back!

I care very much about this friend, but he can’t see anything but himself. He is obsessed with placing blame and pointing fingers. He is definitely not interested in “fixing” himself. Because if he were, he’d shut his mouth and LISTEN at his AA meetings and hook up with people with a good program under their belt. Hopefully, sooner rather than later, he will stop just repeating what he hears in meetings and start living it. I hope that he will stop looking for the easy way or the shortcut and work through everything he needs to work through. Hopefully.

This is your stuff my friend. I’m done. I have got so much stuff to deal with in my life, that I can not take on your drama anymore. So, I’m letting you go for now. I will check your blog, but really I have to take several steps back (again, sound familiar???)

Moving on. I am depressed. I’ve got so much on my plate that it’s overflowing!

My mom is mentally ill. This isn’t new. She was a really bad mom, but is trying to be a better grandmother. She had a stroke a couple of years ago. She keeps calling it an “eye stroke” and no matter how many times I try to explain that it was a real stroke that affected her eyesight. She is in denial too! She quit smoking for several months, and then started again. We hardly ever go to her house because of the horrible stench of cigar smoke in her house. Lately, she’s been experiencing short-term memory loss. I’m talking she’ll ask me a question, I’ll answer it, and then 5 minutes later she’ll ask the same question again. She’s 59 years old. I’ve told her that I am concerned. I explained that I didn’t think she should be driving (Shelby refuses to go anywhere with her anymore). She said she’d tell her psychiatrist at her next visit. Okayyyyyyy. I am concerned that this is early onset dementia. Or more strokes. She’s very depressed. I can’t tell my sister because, well, she wouldn’t do anything anyway. She has her own life and has pushed us away. After years of feeling rejected, I am finally fine with the fact that my sister has chosen to alienate herself from me. I love her. I have to let her do her thing. So, this stuff with my mom is really stressful because I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone about it.

I have a pre-teen who is very hormonal! I don’t think there was anything “normal” about my life from about 8 years old on (maybe even earlier). I didn’t have the luxury of losing it and telling my mom “I hate you!” stomping off to my room and slamming the door. My mom would’ve smacked me silly! Probably worse than that, really. I was in 6th grade when I fell down the stairs at home. For six weeks both my parents accused me of faking it. Until they brought my x-rays to an orthopedic doctor who said “she broke her growth plate”. Yeah, I was faking. When I was 13, my mom called me a whore. It was pretty much constant mental abuse from the time I can remember (my mom was 17, dad was 21 when they got pregnant with me). I was told over and over that I ruined their lives. I think I’m repeating myself now. Back to my kid. I love her so very much. I don’t know how to handle the mood swings. Thank goodness we’re going to have a joint therapy session this week! I’m hoping that will help ease my mind a little!

I love my job. I really do. Things are changing. Have been changing for several years now. I don’t know if there is anyone who is really “happy” at work right now. The benefits that were so awesome for the last eight years are slowly being taken away. The benefit (privilege) of working from home which really helps when Shelby is sick or there is a snow day, is going away. Well, it’s going to be very restricted. I understand that there are people who really take advantage of the work from home privilege. Then there are people who don’t have kids who complain about the people who do have kids. You know how it goes. Needless to say, they are clamping down on pretty much everything. Coming back after my surgery and having complications starting about 5 weeks post-op made it very hard for me to feel comfortable going into the office. Throwing up daily, that’s really not fun. Hopefully that is behind me after the procedure I had last Tuesday. Also, there is a lot of cattiness going on between several of the other admins. I am like #1 enemy to two ladies. They just can’t stand me. I don’t particularly care for them, but I need my job and will always act professionally toward them. Many years ago (2003), I said something to one of them and it almost cost me my job. I will always treat them with respect, even when they refuse to even acknowledge me. So, my job isn’t as fun as it used to be. I’m hoping that I can turn things around so that I can be happy no matter what is going on around me.

Of course, I haven’t received any child support in I don’t know how long. I haven’t run the numbers because I know I’ll cry if I do, but he’s got to be nearing $12,000-$13,000. Maybe even more. When I think about it, I get overwhelmed because of all of the bills that would’ve been paid had he done the right thing!

I haven’t seen my therapist since, I think, November. I actually have an appointment this week with a new therapist. I felt like every time I saw my former therapist, I was just rattling off what had happened in the last couple of weeks. I went over my work lunch break, so never could really open up. I loved her too. It just wasn’t helping me. Hopefully things will click with my new therapist. I feel like I’m kind of shutting down right now. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions, I have nothing left for me. Today I woke up with a migraine. I slept for hours. I am spent. I wish that I had someone to share the load with. I have wonderful friends. I mean, they are phenomenal! But, they have lives of their own. No one wants to hear me whine about my life. They have their own stuff to worry about.

I feel so alone. I know this is temporary. I still do not like it at all.
Only three days until I meet with my new therapist!
Thank God!

Love and blessings to you all!

To celebrate my 8 week post-surgiversary (yes, it is a word!)

2010-02-21T23:06:00.001-06:00

I will be spending the morning in the hospital to have an EGD (do not ask me what that stands for either). It's a scope. They sedate me, they stick a camera down my throat and check things out. This is because of the "frothing" (I call it puking/vomiting, but whatever) that I've been experiencing for a couple two three weeks now. See? I've lost track of how long it's been going on! On Thursday, I couldn't keep tea down. Yes, the decaf herbal tea that I am supposed to drink 30 minutes before a meal. Uh huh! I know! So, that's how I will be "celebrating". Hey, as long as Dr. H. figures out why and fixes it, I'm cool. The theory is still that the connection between my pouch & small intestine has healed so well (always striving for perfection, that's me! lol) that it is too small for most food (chewed very well) to pass through. I have spoken to several people who have had to have this "dilation" or "dilitation" (I've heard both terms) and they said afterward things went down much easier. So I'm game! I am so grateful that our neighbor Pat can drive me to the hospital and my beautiful friend Jessica will be meeting me there & taking me home. I know she just wants to hear the silly things I say when I come out of the anesthesia. I don't blame her. Shelby still talks about the last EGD I had. Something about the dog & the kitchen. If Jessica has any funny MB stories to tell, I may share them in my next post.

Beside that. Not much going on. Went to church last night (normal Saturday affair). Oooh - got my new mattress set yesterday. So far so good! We're supposed to get a snow storm tonight. It started snowing a couple of hours ago. Wilbur was pacing through the house most of the afternoon. I was concerned. Wondered if perhaps we were going to have thunder or another earthquake soon (yes, IL had an earthquake last week). None of us knew there was an earthquake until it was on the news, but who knows. The darned dog is "sensitive". So sensitive, that I gave him one of his "champagne pills" that the vet prescribes. I only have one left! Must get to the vet to refill soon! Wilbur has chilled since taking his cheese covered pill, so that's wonderful! I'm kinda hoping for a snow day. But, I have a feeling there will be school. If the snow is as wet & heavy as they're predicing, I don't know if I'll be able to get out of the driveway if it isn't plowed in the morning. I suppose I will just have to wait & see. Darn.

Tomorrow night is small group and we're having a pot luck. I have already made my yummy beans. Of course, I will not be able to eat a thing there because of my puking/frothing/vomiting issues. So, I'll suffer in silence... do you feel sorry for me yet? Come on!!!! Okay, one more surgery related comment. I'm down to 174.8. I am down 45 pounds! wowie!!!!!!

Okay, now for something strange. A guy I dated several years ago, Crystina affectionately called him "goat f*cker" because of the heartbreak he caused, asked me to be his friend on Facebook today. He mentioned that he reads my blog, so I'm not going to say anything really mean. But, I really don't understand how the men from my past, just pop back into my life and expect me to be "peachy keen" about it all. Am I that big of a pushover? Do I have STOOPID written on my forehead? I just don't understand it. Okay, maybe it's because, in the past, I have been a glutton for punishment. Not anymore. I chatted with him on Yahoo, but honestly, I don't know why he contacted me. He's done this every 12-18 months since he moved to FL in 2004 and I wonder, is it just a boredom thing? Is he just experiencing "down time" in his dating life, so let's contact Mary Beth? I really just don't get it.

Several wise people have told me numerous times, if a man cares about you, he will go to whatever length it takes to be with you.

I'm waiting for that guy.

Because that is what I deserve.

Anything less is unacceptable.

Moving on. I am looking forward to my nice nap-filled Tuesday. Hopefully it will fix me right up.

I hope you all have a fantastic last week of February (can you believe it's almost March?) Stay warm & dry!

Love and blessings to you all!!!

Almost 7 weeks post-op!

2010-02-15T23:18:00.001-06:00

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I feel like I've been juggling too much stuff lately!

Let's get to the nitty gritty stuff first! I just jumped on the scale and I weigh 178.2 pounds! If I use my weight from 4/1/09 of 219.8 pounds (which I will), I am down 41.6 pounds! WOOO HOOOOOOO! Not to share too much, but it's that time of the month, and I almost didn't weigh myself because I thought I had put on a couple of pounds. Surprise!

This is going to be a short post, but I know that I have been a very bad girl by not posting lately, so I'm going to try to remember what has happened in the last month! LOL

The week I went back to work Shelby was REALLY sick. I allowed her to stay during the day with her dad (see? I'm being nice) and his mom. The next week, I was sick! The doctor put me on antibiotics and I stayed home sick Tuesday & Wednesday and kept my germs from the office and worked from home on Thursday. I was coughing so badly, there was no way I wouldn't have upset people enough to be sent home like before my surgery!

I was doing really well with eating until I started eating un-pureed foods. I have experienced dumping once. It wasn't because I was doing something "fun". I actually got sick after I had taken liquid cold medicine for about 24 hours. Lesson learned. Only diabetic cold medicine going forward! The next lovely experience I have encountered is "frothing". What is that you ask? Well, apparently, my pouch fills with liquid in preparation to break down foods. Unfortunately, when I would eat, I would "froth" or throw up this weird frothy mucousy stuff and of course then my food! Yummy, huh? Well, at my 6 week checkup, it was suggested that I back off the more solid foods and go back to pureed and cream-based soups for now. The awesome nurse, Susie, suggested drinking a cup of caffeine-free herbal tea 1/2 hour before eating. It has been known to help flush out the pouch so that the food can have better luck staying inside & getting digested. Unfortunately it's only helped maybe 1/2 of the time for me. My surgeon, Dr. Heydari, thinks that the connection between my pouch and small intestine may have shrunk more than it should have. He wants me to stay in touch with Susie. He's hoping that the connection will stretch out over the next couple of weeks. If not, then they go in and do an EGD and "dilate" the connection. All I could think was, more time for me to nap!!! LOL! I tried chicken last night & tonight - both times I experience frothing. So, I'm back to cream of potato soup. It's not too bad. I can eat cheese sticks, popcicles, sugar free fudgecicles, pudding, jello, cottage cheese. Kinda boring, but these are the things I know I can eat.

Wow, that's a HUGE frickin' paragraph!

Oh, my water heater broke! It was leaking everywhere and was beyond repair. Thank God I had a little money left from my tax refund. My neighbor John met us at Menards and I picked out a new heater with a 9 year warranty! My hope is that in 9 years we will be far away from this house and in a bigger, more comfortable house. Maybe I'll have met someone special by then. Ahhhhhhh, dreams! So, John installed the water heater yesterday. We had a little glitch because our house is on a well. That means a pump will pump the water into the water heater. Well, I had to turn on the water in the tub & flush the toilet quite a bit to coax the pump to run until the heater was filled (several hours - it was SO fun!)

I also went and bought a new mattress set. I have a reallly nice set. I think I spent over $700 on it almost 10 years ago. However, Shelby's dad decided that he had to cut the box spring into quarters to get it up the stairs to a townhouse I had moved into. The movers couldn't get it up the stairs, so he & one of my neighbors chopped it up! Needless to say, the set sucks and has sucked since then! My new set cost me much less than that & has a five year warranty and I'm fine with that. At least it will be comfortable!

Today, I took the day off because Shelby didn't have school. Originally she was going to go to spend the day with my friend Jessica and her daughters, but Jess got really sick yesterday morning and couldn't. So today was an extra laundry day (since the whole water heater thing slowed me down). I took a bath, it was short since Shelby wanted me to paint her nails. I also braided Shelby's hair. Don't ask me why. It's pretty darned short! But she wanted it, so I did it. I also painted my toe nails AND finger nails. I haven't painted my finger nails in YEARS! I really wonder if I'll be able to keep it up. It looks strange to me. I'll find out what Shelby thinks tomorrow :)

Okay, I'm attaching a picture of myself taken by Shelby. It is crooked and from farther away than I would like, but here it is!!

Yes, that is a soldier (on the wall) made by Shelby about 6-7 years ago. Perhaps I should put it in a safe place instead of the hallway. Yep, it's crowded!

I am currently in a size 16, but am thisclose to a 14! I found all my "skinny clothes" and only have 10s & 12s. I wonder if I gained weight to quickly that I just skipped over size 14! I stopped at the Sparrow's Nest thrift store and bought two pairs of size 14s. I'm hoping I won't need them for long!

Shelby also got a picture of the camera shy Wilbur. He's got funny looking eyes in the picture, but he's SO cute!

Don't you think?

This post is way longer than I planned, but I wanted to give you a thorough update!

Love and blessings to you all!!!

3 Weeks Post-Op Update & New Hair

2010-01-19T22:38:00.000-06:00

Hi Everyone,

This is going to be yet another short post, but wanted to let you know that as of 10:20pm tonight, 3 weeks post-op, I have lost 27.1 pounds! I'm getting closer to the 180s (I weighed 189 the DAY I delivered Shelby almost 12 years ago!) I am psyched!!!!

Let's see what else? Oh, Shelby got the stomach flu and puked in the grocery store! Thank God she made it to the bathroom! I've been trying for months to arrange a sleepover for Shelby at my sister & brother-in-law's house. They have two little girls (1 & 3) and the oldest was just dying to see her big cousin Shelby! Well, every time we made plans, one of them was sick. This time, on Friday the little one threw up, but we thought it was something she had eaten. The next morning she was okay, so we kept our plans. Well we met half way between our houses and did the Shelby swap and that night the oldest was puking and then my sister was getting sick so by 8:30am Sunday I had gotten the call to pick up Shelby. I didn't hear the phone ring, thank goodness my cell phone beeped loud enough so I could hear it! So, by about 10:30ish, I had Shelby back home! Then, by Monday afternoon she was saying she wasn't feeling well. Then the puking in the store. LOVELY! My sister and I have agreed that there will be no more visits unless everyone has been healthy for DAYS before!!!

Oh, since surgery, I have only taken the medicines that are small enough for me to swallow. So, instead of Nexium, I am taking generic Zantac. I'm able to take my Singulair for allergies/asthma. But I haven't taken my Prozac. I tried mixing with pudding and that was just HORRIBLE. And, after a couple of weeks, I realized that I still need it (the stress and trauma are still there DUH mb!) So I checked and it does come in liquid form. I picked up a partial of the prescription today and can I just say it tastes worse than ANY other medication I have taken. It's just NASTY! I am not joking! I called Walgreens and they said the suggested flavors to add are bubble gum, orange or watermelon. I told them lets try bubble gum for the balance of the prescription. I am hope hope hoping that the bubble gum is easier to get down! There is one more medication that I may or may not get. It's for my allergies and of course, my allergies aren't acting up right now. It's Allegra, so I think I'll just wait until I go to see my allergist in the spring.

Hmmmmm, I'm still worn out. But not as bad as the first two weeks. However, being up with Shelby last night (all night) did wear me out!

OH! I changed my hair color! What do you think? The pics were taken with my webcam, and the lighting isn't that great. My hair is darker, reddish, mahoganyish! I like it, but I was warned that reds tend to fade more quickly. Awwww, who cares, right?!

Love and blessings to you all!!!!

7 days post-op!

2010-01-05T20:46:00.000-06:00

Hi there!

This is going to be a short post.

A more detailed (and animated) version of the past week is on my youtube channel :)

Today is 7 days post op and I weigh 196 pounds! That is down from my 12/16 weight of 218.7. 22.7 pounds GONE!!!!

Tomorrow is a big day. I'm going in at 8am and they will remove my drain (man that thing sucks!) and the 16 staples which close the five different incisions on my belly! If all goes well, I will be allowed to go on a full liquid diet (I've been on a clear liquid diet since surgery!) I can NOT wait because I am sick sick sick of sugar free jello, popcicles and broth! Not that I'm hungry. I'm just sick of tasting that stuff every single day!

Besides that. Shelby has been such a good helper. I am going to have to treat her to something special when I'm back to 100%!

Okay, that's it for today. I'm tired.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic 2010 so far! :)

Love and blessings to you all!!!!

34.5 hours left... but who's counting?!

2009-12-27T21:55:00.000-06:00

Hi Everyone.

I've been on a clear liquid diet all day today - no food and it is hard! I have to get through tomorrow and then be at the hospital at 8:30am Tuesday. I have a hunger headache which stinks, but beside that I am just peachy!

Christmas was good. Shelby has told me several times that this was "the best Christmas ever!" I like that! I'm not sure what was different from past years. Maybe less drama because we stayed away from it? Who knows!

This isn't going to be a long post because (amazingly) I really don't have much to say.

I'm ready. I'm just ready. Ready to move onto the next phase of my life. The phase in which I become a healthier happier Mary Beth! Of course, I am the most important factor in making myself happier, right? It's going to be a process, but I am READY!

If everything goes as planned, I should be home by Wednesday afternoon. Recuperating in my own bed.

Gratitude time!

Shelby!
Jessica
Vivian
Traci
Kim
Crystina
Amy
All my friends and family who are supporting me through this journey!
Wilbur (just because he's warm & cuddly)
My driveway is plowed!!!!
Only 34 (ish) more hours until I make the trip to the hospital for my surgery!
Laughter
Love
Our new Wii (it's pretty cool!)

So, tomorrow, I go to the hospital for a blood draw (cross-type stuff). Then, we need to run to Jewel & Target. I'd also like to take the car to the dealership (the check engine light turned on Christmas Eve!), but that can wait until after surgery (it's running fine).

Then, Tuesday is the big day! Jessica is coming over at 7:30am to pick up me & Shelby and take us to the hospital. My mom & Vivian are meeting us at the hospital. My surgery is scheduled for 10:30am (I think!) and should take about an hour or so. Jessica will take Shelby home with her when they kick her (Shelby) out of the hospital. Then, Nicki is supposed to call Jessica and arrange for the "kid swap" for the evening! If I understand correctly, they'll have me up and walking within 4-5 hours after surgery. Then I'll have to do the barium swallow test. YUCK! Dr. assured me it's just a little bit this time (thank goodness!) and if everything goes well, Crystina will come and pick me up and take me home Wednesday! Sound good? Good!

Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me. Please keep 'em coming! I feel blessed!!

I'll post once I'm home and feeling up to it!

Oh, just a reminder, I set up a youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/mbokeefe40 you can subscribe and/or become my friend and get notifications when I post a new video.

Love and blessings to you all!

2 days into the liquid diet, only 8 more to go!

2009-12-20T20:59:00.000-06:00

Hi Everyone!

Are you all ready for Christmas? I've got the gifts, just need to wrap them and just might get that done by tomorrow - yay!

Let's see... Since my last post, I've gone to my pre-surgical appointment with Dr. Heydari. He has a meeting with every person who is scheduled for a specific day at the same time. He said normally the room is full, but he only has three surgeries scheduled for December 29th. I'm the only gastric bypass patient. The other two are getting the lap band. Let me tell you, the other two ladies there were whiners! One actually bitched and moaned about the support group meetings. Apparently she doesn't like when people support each other and share ideas, etc. hmmmmm... that's what support group is lady! Then, she complained about the tickets that are handed out at the beginning of each meeting. Each person gets a ticket and then at the end of the meeting, if their number is called, they win something! I think it's super cool! I won a bird feeder once! So yeah, the meeting with the doctor was just lovely. Okay, it would've been if the other whiners hadn't been there. I am going to go out on a limb and say they won't be very successful at their weight losses if they keep up the negative stuff! So there!

I also saw my primary care doctor. My blood pressure was 107/84 (I can't remember the exact bottom number but I remember the 107 clearly). YAY! I think I'm starting to get very zen about the surgery. Okay, I've been ready for it for quite a while now. She cleared me for surgery! Tuesday Shelby & I both see the asthma doctor. Just a regular checkup (and he asked me to come in prior to my surgery).

Now for the fun part. I started my liquid diet yesterday. I have to admit, it stinks. No, it sucks! HOWEVER, it's what I need to do. The purpose of the 10 day liquid diet is to shrink the liver so it is easier for the surgeons to work around. I'm hungry :( The protein drinks are grainy & not that tastey. I know this is just the 2nd day, so I'm sure I'll get used to it. The doctor did say I can have fruit and if I really need to eat something, very lean turkey. I'm gonna stop at the store and pick up some turkey tomorrow! I had a few slices (very thin) from Shelby's lunch meat, and then I had some cantelope & watermelon and I do feel better. Guess what? I've already dropped 3.8 pounds! Holy cow! There is no way I'd be able to live on liquids only, blech! But I just have to keep my eye on the prize! I talked to Vivian today and she said that trick to the protein drinks is adding ice & blending it all in the blender. I'm going to try that next time!!

Speaking of prizes... I have such wonderful people helping me out and supporting me. There are my friends who are cheering me on through FB and emails. I've also got Jessica bringing me to the hospital on surgery day (and taking Shelby home with her). Then there's Nicki who is going to spend the night at our house while I'm in the hospital. And, I can't forget Vivian, who will be sitting with my mom and making sure everything goes well, etc. I'm glad I asked Vivian to come because yesterday my mom argued with me when I reminded her that I'm having gastric bypass. Apparently all my conversations with her about that were forgotten. She's been telling everyone that I'm having lapband surgery. For over nine months, I've known I am not a candidate for lapband surgery. Like I said, thank goodness for Vivian! Then, the plan is Crystina is going to drive me home from the hospital. Traci offered to come over on the 1st, but I think by then I'm going to be in pretty good shape, but I've got her on speed dial (so don't think I won't call you Traci!) Oh and Tracy T. gave me a bag of easy to microwave food for Shelby to eat while I'm recuperating. What a team I've got huh?

So, last night, Shelby's dad called and said that his grandmother had passed away. Shelby doesn't remember her at all, so it really wasn't an issue for her. I did tell her that she should make sure she tells her Grandma that she is sorry her mom passed away. Today, she called her Grandma and hung out at her house all day. I think she spent most of her time iceskating with the neighborhood kids, but I think just having Shelby there was a boost to her spirits. They (Grandma & Great-Grandma) weren't on good terms and haven't been for a long time, so I think the loss hit her harder than she thought. Shelby is spending the night over there and coming home tomorrow night. That gives me time to do important stuff...

WRAPPING PRESENTS!!!! I'm one of those weird moms who must wash clothes before my kid wears them. Shelby is one of those kids who wants to wear every single piece of new clothing immediately - so today I took my time to wash all the clothes I bought Shelby for Christmas. Now, I have to wrap them. I'm not a good wrapper. I'm glad I don't lose mom-points for my wrapping!

I will probably post one more time before my surgery. Hopefully with some good pictures of the post present opening frenzy! I wonder how long it'll take this year. My guess is 23.5 minutes!

I hope you all have a wonderfully Merry Christmas and a safe and Happy New Year!

Love and blessings to you all!!!!!

16 days & counting!!!!

2009-12-13T23:02:00.000-06:00

So I didn't realize it has been almost two weeks since I posted anything! It's not that I don't want to, I do! Life is just getting in the way dag nabbit!!

Let's see, my surgery is scheduled for December 29th, just 16 days away! I think I've got everything covered as far as transportation & Shelby, so that's good. This past Friday I went in for blood work (I think they took six vials o blood!), an EKG and an upper GI. I had thought I'd already had one, but no, that's an EGD - where they put you to sleep and put the camera down your throat to check out your upper digestive system. NOOOOOOO, this was an upper GI where they make you fast, not even water after midnight. I have been battling a cold for almost 2 weeks now, so that was HELL! Then, they give you this little medicine cup filled with this crystal stuff that is like pop rocks, which you are supposed to take like a "shot" but I don't drink and even with the little medicine cup of water they gave me to "wash it down" - I felt those suckers popping in my mouth & throat! THEN, the barium. Oh My Gosh that stuff is NASTY! They're telling me to swallow, and my tastebuds are telling my throat - DO NOT ENTER - goodness, it took like two gulps for every mouthful. Then, the rolled me around, no joke, on this lovely xray machine so the barium coated my stomach. All I can say is GROSS! I did get to look at the pictures they took and man, there's a lot of stuff packed in our torsos, did you guys know that? WOW!

I'm glad that's over! I only need to go back to the hospital on December 28th just for one more blood test (cross & type or type & cross) just in case I need a transfusion during my surgery.

Oh, I am now offically crazy. You're not shocked? Whaaaaaaaaaaa???? Okay, I have a youtube account that I set up so I could subscribe to other people's videos. Nicki's beauty school posted videos of her and I also found a bunch of people who have had gastric bypass and are vlogging their journies. No, that's not the crazy part! When Karen was visiting last month, she bought me a webcam. Now, she used that webcam so she could skype with her family and see her dog, Berry, while she was away for three weeks. Now that is kinda crazy ;o) tee hee! So last night, after church, I decided to try to create a video to post on Youtube introducing myself. Maybe so I can share my journey with others and you guys! So here's my channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/mbokeefe40 THAT is the crazy part! Right?!!

Let's see. On the financial front, I feel like such a failure. No, it's more like I feel like I'm collapsing or crumbling. I'm sure things will work out, but man, I hate no knowing how or when! I've submitted a request to my mortgage company because I have just become overwhelmed with finances right now. The sad part is, I have a really good job. I make fairly decent money. But, after 18 months of the sperm donor making a contribution (and for about 12 months I was hoping he would), I am spent! I really do not like asking for help and writing the hardship letter just made me see even more clearly the situtation is that I need to climb out of. I do NOT like this one bit!!!

I'm going to call the mortgage company again on Monday to check on the status of my request for assistance. Please think good thoughts for me. Prayers. Whatever you'd like. I need them.

My friend, Jessica from church asked me last night was is holding me back from asking God to come into my heart & guide me. I've been thinking about it. I don't doubt there is a God. I do believe that there is a greater power than myself who has watched over me during the horrible times in my life. So, it's not that. I think part of it is that my life is just so freaking stressful, I really don't have the capacity to think about one more thing. Honestly, I feel like every time I take in a new piece of information, a few disappear from my brain. I am just overloaded and just trying to keep my head above water.

Another reason could be that I was abused by my father. A man who was and still is well respected in the church. He met his wife (only 8 years older than me) at church. How the heck does that happen? That really does piss me off. Everyone thinks he's this fantastic Godly man, but he's just an alcoholic pervert who is very charming to everyone he meets.

Another reason is, I have a teeny bit of control over my life. I am where I am because of me. Every single time I have put my life, or a part of my life in someone else's hands, I have gone through horrendous trials. Last night's sermon was about God giving us trials, a crucible, and we become stronger, better, etc. after going through those trials. I've been through a lot of trials. I really don't have the capacity to go through any more at this moment. I don't know if, right now, I can let go of my life enough to open my heart and ask God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to come in. Honestly, I can not wrap my brain around it. I listen to Jessica speak about God and praying and how she puts things in God's hands and I am awestruck. I admire her so much. I just don't know if I'm ready for anything that deep right now. I'm having surgery in 16 days! I am barely holding things together. Or should I say, keeping all the balls in the air? It's a fricking juggling act! There isn't someone else to catch the balls, or plates, or flaming arrows - it's just me! If I don't catch them and one drops, who is going to clean up the mess? ME! I need more time. I need to be able to breathe for a little bit. Can I get that? Just some time to breathe. Watch my Weeds Season IV (I think it's IV) DVD and just breathe.

Oh, did I mention I have a mom who is mentally ill? Yes. I do. I know she desperately wants me to be her everything, but I just can't. I have to set boundaries. I feel horrible for her. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make her better, but I can't. I also wish that she would take better care of herself. But she won't. It's another mess in my life, but I have to let it be, because I can't take on anyone else's stuff anymore. Yay me, right? So, why do I feel bad that my mom (who was a really crappy mom) pines away for me to fill her life? Ahhhhhhh!!!! Too much stuff! I love my mom. I don't like the way she chooses to live her life. I have to set boundaries.

Logically, this may be the place where someone might say "you need God in your life MB, ask him". Right! It's not that easy. I'm not saying I'm special. I am saying that it is something that I am not able to grasp, no matter how many times you say it, right now. It's too much! I need to breathe. I need to put one foot in front of the other. I need to take care of my daughter. I need to figure out how I'm going to get through this financial crisis I'm in. I can't fit another thing into my little brain. It's full.

Okay, that was just depressing!!

Here are a few pictures taken on our last Saturday with Karen. We went down to Chicago and Karen was our photographer for the day!

Shelby's hair still has a little color left in it. But this mom is done putting all the crazy rainbow colors in her hair. For now.

Okay, how about some gratitude??

Shelby
Christmas Lights
Jessica
Pat
Crystina
Traci
Karen
all my other friends, because this post would just be way too long!
Indoor plumbing
I played the piano for a little while today (it needs tuning & I need practice!)
16 days!!!!!!!!

Love and blessings to you all!!

Normal "conversation" with my 11 year old...

2009-12-01T22:43:00.000-06:00

Hi Everyone! I hope you're all having a good week so far. I'm still pretty excited about my surgery date in FOUR WEEKS - woo hoooooooo! Okay, enough of that.

Every day around 3:30, I send a text to Shelby asking her if she's on the bus yet. Pretty normal "mom" stuff. Today our conversation went like this:

Me: Are you on the bus

Shelby: yes

m: did you have a good day?

s: no since my rib hurt all day

m: um, what did you do? and how much homework do you have?

s: idk and none

m: did you fall, trip, run into anything?

s: no

m: probably growing pains, sorry :( please vacuum before I get home

s: no, i'm hungry

m: eat and then vacuum

s: fine

m: thank you

then she calls me and tells me she won't vacuum. I give her another choice - putting away all the clothes she left in my room while she was sleeping in there when Karen was visiting OR vacuum. "Awwwww moooooooooooooooooooooooooooom, can't I do anything else?"

Nope, those are your choices.

Silence.

Shelby?

"what?"

what are you going to choose?

"I don't want to do any of those things!"

One or the other.

"FINE! I'll put the stuff away, AFTER I eat!"

Ok. I love you.

"love you too bye."

15 minutes later, my desk phone rings, but I'm on the other line... then the cell phone rings, I don't answer because I AM ON THE OTHER LINE AT WORK, then the text comes "can I play on the computer?" This kid cracks me up! I called her back once I was done with my work phone call and asked her what she needed.

"Mommy? Can I please play on the computer?"

Have you put your stuff away & taken your shower?

"Nooooooooooooooo, I don't want to do that until you get home!"

No computer, unless you put the stuff away. You can wait until I get home for your shower if you'd like.

"Awww Mom!"

Nope, that's it.

"Fine!"

I love you.

"loveyoutoobye."

Next I'm at the grocery store checking out and start another text convo:

m: I'm in line to check out

s: ok I just got out of the shower

m: Good job!

s: thanx

Then as I start the car:

m: I'm on the road again

s: yay

So, this is how it's gonna be huh? Texting with an attitude one minute and all "I love you Mommy" the next? Excellent! I can't wait until the hormones really kick in!

YIKES!!!!

Okay, now for some gratitude:

Shelby (yep, she's still on the list)
My wonderful friends
My great job (& boss, but don't tell him that!)
The Christmas lights looking so pretty
We got our first Christmas card in the mail today - WOW!
Surgery is 28 days away!!!!!!!!
Laughter
YOU!

Love & blessings to you all!!!!

Change of plans!

2009-11-30T14:54:00.000-06:00

I am SO excited! My surgery has been moved up two weeks! I'll be having my laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery on Tuesday, December 29th at 10:30am!

I've decided that we're going to spend an hour (hopefully not much more) with the family on Christmas. I've already called my mom and told her that I will most likely be cranky on Christmas, so it'll be a very short visit. Besides, um, I won't be able to eat - I'll be on a liquid only diet!!!!!!

Have I mentioned how EXCITED I am? Woo hooooooooooo!!

Love & blessings to all of you!!!!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T00:30:00.000-06:00

Today is Thanksgiving. Actually, I just looked at the clock and it seems Thanksgiving was YESTERDAY (oopsy, it's getting late!)

We were originally going to go to Chicago to watch the parade, but the weather was miserable. So, we went to a local restaurant and had our Thanksgiving dinner with a bunch of strangers ;o) It was nice. Until I bit my tongue! Now, I don't just bit my tongue, I BITE my tongue. And I had already bitten my tongue Friday night, so when i bit my tongue today - it took nearly 90 MINUTES for the bleeding to stop! I'm telling you, we don't do things half way in our family! LOL! I think it's fair to say that I really didn't enjoy my meal today. I think I almost finished a big cup of ice (hoping that would stop the GUSHING BLOOD) and it didn't. Dag nabbit! I think that I may now know what it feels like when you have your tongue pierced. EW! I'm just hoping I don't bite it again... boy oh boy!

Okay, on to the important stuff! Gratitude!!! Today I am thankful for...

Shelby
Karen
All of my other wonderful friends
4-day weekends
Laughter
Willy the Wonder Dog
Surviving another day with a moody tween
Indoor plumbing
Craig Ferguson (he's so funny!)
Surgery is in 46 days!
Feeling loved!

I think that's a pretty good list.

Tomorrow (er, today) Shelby has already planned to put up the Christmas tree. First she has to clean off the bin it is stored in and then she can bring it in the house. We may do some local shopping (we meaning Karen with us tagging along).

Saturday, we're having lunch with my mom and then we'll take the train to Chicago. The weather is supposed to be nice (sunny & 50) and the hope is to get some nice shots of Shelby & I (maybe Christmas card worthy) and of course more pics of Karen and then visit the Christmas Kindle (??) thingy in Daly Plaza and then look at the lights on Michigan Avenue.

Okay, it is VERY late. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Love and blessings to all of you!

January 12, 2010

2009-11-23T22:55:00.002-06:00

I got a surgery date! January 12, 2010 at 11:30am!

Wooo hooooooooo!!!

The beginning of a new life for me!

7 weeks and counting!!!

Now must get all my ducks in a row!

Love & blessings to you all!

Woo hoooooooo!

2009-11-22T22:54:00.000-06:00

Well, the surgeon's office called me on Friday but I missed the call! UGH! I'm going to call them first thing tomorrow (Monday) and hopefully they will set up my pre-op and surgery dates. Then, I'll have to figure out all the other stuff! I'm getting pretty excited though!

Karen & I went to the Kenosha Outlet Mall Friday. I bought a whole bunch of goodies for Shelby. Then Karen mentioned something about Shelby having way too many clothes... Yes, but a lot of them don't fit! I try and try, but that kid won't let anything go! So, Karen offered to go through Shelby's dressers with her! woo hoooo again!

Saturday night, Karen and I went to Chicago. Had a wonderfully yummy meal at Ruth's Chris and then we went on to Davenport's Piano Bar. A friend, Dan, who I hadn't seen since high school in MN works there as a bartender part time. They had a nice show. Very interactive and funny! Dan sang AND played the violin while we were there - very impressive. Dan looks EXACTLY the same. Okay, his hair is shorter, but that's the only stinking difference!

After Davenports, we went to Howl at the Moon. Karen had gone there last weekend with another group of people and really had a good time. It is quite cool! Dueling pianos, playing requests from all genres and all the musicians seem to sing, play piano, drums and guitar! It was amazing. I took lots of pictures. None were taken of me. At least none that will be shared right now. Maybe as "before" pictures for later...

Over the last few weeks, I have become painfully aware of how heavy I've gotten. 220 isn't a lot for some, but for me, it's an extra person! My back always hurts. I can't breathe half the time. I'm definitely not getting much sleep and I'm just getting more miserable (with my weight) by the second. I am so glad that I've been given insurance approval for my surgery! I am so ready for this change. It's going to be HUGE. I know. It's going to be hard. I know. But, I need it. I can't continue down this road much further.

So, tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it will the official beginning of this new phase of my life!

Gratitude for today:

Shelby
Karen!!!!!
Karen & Shelby got through three drawers of clothes so far!
Friends
Laughter
Love
Music
The power of prayer

Love and blessings to everyone!!

One step closer! It's really happening!!!!

2009-11-18T23:14:00.000-06:00

Hi Everyone!

How are you? I hope everyone is doing well!

I woke up today with a migraine. I think it was a combination of stress, stress, and stress! I have had SO much on my mind lately oh and I've been dealing with some childish stuff at work. No, I'm not being childish (I've matured people!) but there are others who do not care for me, and really have no desire to work with me. But, my position is requiring them to listen. I told you it was childish. Just trying to do my job, man!

So, I decided to stay home and try to rid my head of the migraine and also try to get some work done. I actually did get quite a bit of work done, but later in the day. Yay!

But, the best thing is...

My health insurance has provided verbal approval for my laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery! I have spent about 9 months jumping through hoops, and I was getting pretty darned frustrated that the insurance was taking so long. I couldn't get excited. I just felt frustrated and ready for the next step. I was STUCK! I am no longer stuck. I'm actually starting to feel excited about the transformation I am about to go through! I don't have a surgery date yet. Rose from the surgery center is waiting for the official approval letter. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if we can get a date scheduled.

Exciting, huh? Like, I'm going to fit into "normal" sized clothes in 2010! O M G!!!!! I might even sleep at night, without any apnea episodes. The asthma and horrible reflux could go away! This is SO cool! Thanks to everyone who has prayed for me!!!!

So, while i was sitting at my computer earlier today, Karen looked out my front window and said there is someone taking pictures of your house! So, big bad MB gets up and opens the front door to see what's going on. The guys in the car saw me & took off. I'm quite sure that they were taking pictures of my lovely dirt and stone on my yard. I emailed my wonderful neighbor who provided the dirt & stone and asked if something could be wrong. He said that finally someone is probably paying attention to the issue with my yard. Now, why couldn't they pay attention when I had standing water in my front yard for 9+ months? There was a village meeting today. My neighbor was going and said he'd let me know if anyone said anything about my yard. Thankfully they didn't! He did say that I should move the paving bricks that had been put in the culvert by someone "doing me a favor". I had actually asked that person to move the pavers out of the yard a month or two ago. He hasn't. I'm going to have to move them. I appreciate the kindness of others, but perhaps listening to what is needed would be helpful as well. Ugh! Oh well, can't do anything about it now!

Okay folks, I need to go to bed, but I wanted to share my good news with you!

Gratitude for today:

Shelby Grace
Karen
My kind and generous neighbor (who shall remain nameless and therefore blameless)
The wonderful news of the verbal approval from the insurance company!
My job
The wonderful people from The Chapel and my small group
Being alive
Laughter
Hugs
Wilbur (aka Willy the Wonder Dog)

Good night all!

Love and blessings to you all!!!!

I've got to get some rest!

2009-11-12T23:09:00.000-06:00

I am worn out! Lots of things going on.

I'm pretty much constantly thinking about surgery (is the insurance going to approve it? when are they going to approve it? when will my surgery finally happen? why is it taking so frickin long????) That has definitely taken it's toll!

Today I spoke with Rose, the coordinator at the bariatric center. She said still no news. She assured me that things are definitely on the right track, but it's going to take more time. That means:

no surgery in the month of November :(
Karen will be back in Switzerland before my surgery :(

I was really hoping she'd be here because, well, she's Karen! She's an absolutely wonderful friend. She can put up with cranky MB and sassy Shelby, and she loves Wilbur (but who doesn't?) Now I'm sad. I'm sad because while I am sure things will work out, I have absolutely no idea how they will work out. And, I'm tired. Tired of waiting. This started eight months ago. I have done every single thing that the insurance required. I suppose my first mistake was thinking that since I followed all the rules, everyone else would... The insurance company's original mistake has delayed all of this by more than three weeks now! I am so ready to start the next phase of my life! Seeing a picture that Karen took this week killed me. It was just a kick in the gut as to how big I've gotten! I really hate this!

I'm praying that on Monday, when I call Rose again, she has the insurance approval. At least then we can set a surgery date and I will have something to focus on. Right now, all I can focus on is how exhausted I am, how long I've waited, good God my back hurts from my ginormous chest & belly! This is really getting on my nerves, can you tell?

Then there is the continuing issue of the ever growing back child support (I think he's nearing $9000 now).

Oh, and my former lawyer is harrassing me for money. Yes, I hired her to get back child support. I haven't gotten any. How does that work, huh? Her office didn't care that I have no money either. I have heard stories about lawyers being money hungry, but I truly thought she was different. I thought she was really listening to me and working for ME. She was just looking for the money, which was made very obvious when she refused to take my case to the judge and coerced me into making a "deal" with Dana. Yeah, again, I haven't gotten any money. Oh, and now he's working for cash, so they can't even trace him! Grrrrrrrr!

Now that I've vented about that, here's a bunch 'o' gratitude!

Stellan (the little boy on the button on the right side of my blog) is doing well! He had ablation (I think that's what it's called) and he is doing SO much better. Please check out his mom's blog (just click on the picture). A Miracle!
Desi, the little girl who had been badly injured when a dresser & tv fell on her last week is home! I don't have any more news, but her being home after spending several days in the PICU pretty much unresponsive is EXCELLENT! Another Miracle!
Karen is here! I wonder if we'd get along so well if she lived in the U.S. Hmmmm... She's a reality check for me. I really appreciate it too. 'Cuz this mom can get wound up tight & a little too wrapped up in her kid and not focused enough on her own life. I am SO glad she is visiting!
I think we've decided to go to Chicago to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade in Thanksgiving. Last Thanksgiving was filled with crazy family & lots of drama. I am going to avoid that from now on! Must protect me & Shelby! So, the parade will be pretty darn cool I think. Hopefully we'll have good weather and will be able to get some great shots of me & Shelby and Karen. Maybe we'll get the perfect shot for this year's Christmas card!
Since I don't have a surgery date, Karen & I are going to Chicago next Saturday! First up is Ruth's Chris for yummy filet (for me, not sure what Karen will get) and then on to Davenport's Piano Bar. A friend from MN is a bartender there. I haven't seen him in over 25 years!
I am taking a vacation day tomorrow! What will I do? Why, I will REST & RELAX! I may even sleep most of the day away!
DIRT! No, really! We have the dirt in the front yard now. Before the snow falls and accumulates I'm going to have to move the stone over into the culvert to aid in "guiding" the darn water away from the house. But, the dirt is here!
I have got some FREAKING AWESOME people around me! I feel like the lady from Romper Room now "I see Karen and Traci, Crystina and Dennis, there's Rosa and Michell, oh and Joanie and Margaret..." Seriously, does anyone remember that show??? Okay, anyway - I am so very lucky to have the aforementioned people in addition to Emanuel, Kim, Jessica, Vivian, Bea, Stephanie and many other people (some more from work strangely enough) who really show me the love when I need it. And, they make me laugh (at myself mostly) when I need that too.
I am so grateful for Shelby's counselor. Without her, I would feel like a complete failure as a mother at times. She is able to help me deal with the pre-teen who is testing her boundaries more and more every day. Oh, and she also tells me I am a pushover as well. Must work on that!
Tonight and this weekend, I have my room to myself. That means I don't have to tiptoe around so I won't wake Shelby. I need a little peace right now and Karen is visiting another friend for the weekend.
Being alive!
Indoor plumbing!
My fantastic job!
My awesome boss!
The (mostly) cool people at work ;o)~
Laughter
Love

Thank you my friends, for listening (reading) and showing me compassion or just humoring me when I need it!

Love and blessings to all of you!!!!

Oh my aching back and surgery update.

2009-11-08T21:06:00.000-06:00

Today I was reminded how much easier it would be (theoretically) to keep things tidy than to do a deep clean without having a sore, aching body!

Karen is arriving tomorrow afternoon and I had to make room in my room for Shelby's trundle AND make sure there is room for Karen's luggage and Karen in Shelby's room! Shelby is sleeping in her bed toinght and tomorrow morning, she must find a place for all the dolls & stuffed animals that are taking up the end of her bed. I'm sure Karen likes to cuddle, but not with Shelby's dolls & stuffed animals!

I also spent 3 1/2 hours today shampooing the carpets. The sad thing is, only about 1/2 of the house (approx. 423 sq. ft.) is carpeted! Every time I emptied the catch basin part of the Rug Doctor - out came nasty brown water! Ewwwwww! I suppose that's what happens when you have (had) two dogs and an active kid (and all her friends). Needless to say, I went over it a few times.

Now, I'm finishing up what feels like a gagillion loads of laundry before I try to get some rest. Tomorrow I'm working from home in the morning. Hoping to get Shelby motivated to put her clean clothes away, strip her bed & remake it for Karen. Then she needs to get her new bed made. Okay, maybe I'll help her with that too!

Okay, well I have a semi-update on my gastric bypass surgery. Last week there were issues with the insurance company - issues on their end, someone there made a mistake in processing my paperwork and they wanted my request to go through this huge review process. Well, on Friday I spoke with Rose, the coordinator at the Bariatric Center. She said that we're back on track. Yay! There is a downside though :( Unfortunately, the whole process had to be re-started. That means more waiting - ugh! Rose asked me to call her on Thursday and hopefully (prayers please) she will have an approval from the insurance company and we can set a surgery date. There is still hope that my surgery could happen this month. I really am hoping so, because Karen is much better company than anyone else who would be coming over. Plus, Shelby loves her! They can cause trouble while I'm recovering overnight in the hospital and then Shelby can be her GPS for the first few days after my surgery!

Oh, one more thing. I haven't got an update for Desire (called Desi) from today, but she was continuing to slowly improve! It is my understanding that there was a meeting yesterday with the doctors to find out when she would be going home with her mom. She may already be home, I've emailed my friend Jessica requesting an update. She may be busy helping Desi's mom with everything. Please keep your prayers coming.

Thank you so much everyone! I am so very blessed to have each of you in my life!

Love and blessings to you all!

Still Waiting and Prayer Request

2009-11-03T23:09:00.000-06:00

Is it Friday yet?!?!?!

I have a special request for all of you. There is a little girl, named Desire who is in the PICU right now after a dresser and TV fell onto her and caused head injuries. The accident happened on Monday afternoon. She is just three years old. Please pray for Desire and all the people who love her. Pray for her recovery as well as peace for her mom, twin sister and extended family. It is hard for me to even think of this as it breaks my heart! I'm asking you, my prayer warriors, to wrap your arms around Desire and her family!

On a "lighter" note. Get it? Lighter? Bariatric surgery. Weight loss... Yeah, I know - I'm a dork! So, anyway... I spoke with the coordinator at the bariatric center and apparently my insurance company has dropped the ball. I don't really understand exactly what happened but she mentioned something about the insurance company contacting a Jennifer requesting my information. Unfortunately, there isn't a Jennifer at the center, Rose is the person there. So, my request was denied because they didn't get the information they requested FROM THE WRONG PERSON! Ugh! They told Rose that some type of peer review process had to be followed because the request was denied. Rose said that she is waiting for a supervisor from the insurance company to get back to her so she can explain that the insurance company made the mistake and dropped the ball, and that I shouldn't be penalized for their screw up. My heart sank a little. Then, calmly (I shocked myself!) I asked Rose if she thought this would be resolved fairly quickly. Thankfully, Rose said that she was confident that things would get resolved within a couple of days. She asked me to call her back on Friday. She said she would get Dr. Heydari involved if necessary. Apparently he is very good at putting people in their place. Hey, as long as they're helping me out - I'm good with it! :)

I really hope we get this figured out by Friday. Because Karen is arriving next Monday and the hope is that she will be hanging out with me while I recover, at least early on. I've worked so hard, jumped through all the hoops the insurance required, I am READY to move on to the next step! Plus, I'm looking forward to some down time. Kinda sad that I am looking forward to surgery so that I can rest! Oh well! Rest is rest, right?

This weekend we are planning on a cleaning frenzy to prepare for Karen's arrival on Monday. Shelby has agreed to wash the dog (using dog shampoo this time) AND cleaning the bathroom for $10. Woo hooo! Hey, whatever it takes. After washing a black dog in an all white bathroom, it's gonna need a lot of cleaning! I'm also going to rent a carpet cleaner. That should take maybe an hour, since only the living room & hallway are carpeted. Then, we have baskets of clothes to donate to Sparrow's Nest. I just pile 'em up... Until we have a guest coming and need to fit Shelby's trundle in my room for three weeks. Maybe Karen should come visit more often... Hmmmmmmmm... I'm going to have to think about that. Except, I'm not sure if she can fork out the money it costs for flights from Switzerland to the US just so I can get my house clean. Or can she? KIDDING!!

Okay, it is 11pm and I have been extra tired this week. I need to get some rest! I'm telling you, surgery is going to be good for me in so many ways!

Thank you, my friends, for praying for Desire and her family. YOU GUYS ROCK!!!!

Love and blessings to you all!

Gratitude!

2009-11-01T00:37:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone!

Today was a long day!

First, Nicki came over and colored Shelby's hair. I think there are 4 colors, but I'm not sure. Is that bad? :o)

Next, we drove to Crystal Lake and had lunch with my mom. Then, we went to her house and Shelby got changed into her costume. Unfortunately it was quite chilly and she had to cover it up with a sweatshirt, but her hair got enough attention! Great-grandpa and Sweetie the dog went trick or treating with us for a while too. It was nice. But after about 45 minutes, we had had enough.

Then, I decided to drive down the road & drop in on a friend who we haven't seen in quite some time. I drove up, and there was an adorable dog looking out the front door. I said to Shelby "Is this their house? They don't have a dog!" But it had to be their house... I mean, I didn't get anything that said they moved. So we went up to the door and knocked and - we were in the right place!!! Shelby was so patient (and had fun playing with the puppy) while I caught up with my old friend.

Bandit - I just wanted to snuggle up to him, he is soooo cute!

Meagan is someone who, no matter how much time goes by, every time I see her, I smile! She is such a fantabulous person! I've realized that when you're a grown-up, life sometimes gets in the way and can trip up friendships. But, I am so lucky to have several special people in my life who love me even from a distance when life is crazy.

I hope hope hope that Meagan gets online soon so I can bug her electronically, instead of just showing up on her doorstep. :) I didn't realize how much I missed her until I gave her a big hug! I am so glad that she was home!!!!

When we came home, we went trick or treating again. Man it was cold! I really do love living just down the street from the lake, it looks so pretty!

Oh, and we saw a dog who totally reminded me of our Teddy Bear! Her name is Marina and i couldn't get a good picture of her - but look \/ doesn't she look like our Teddy? Tears welled up when I saw her. I miss that cranky old fart of a dog!

Today, I am so full of gratitude for...

Shelby
Nicki
Meagan
Being alive!
Surviving two trick or treating trips!
Laughter
Friendship
The internet
Feeling loved!

Love and blessings to you my friends!

It's Tuesday...

2009-10-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's Tuesday and I got nothin! Hmmmmmm... Okay, I'm glad tomorrow is Wednesday!

I am SO excited about Thursday because I am having lunch with some wonderful friends at Bob Chinn's. This isn't any lunch either. It's my "Goodbye to Gluttony" lunch - tee hee! I'm going to have a delicious filet and white rice with lots of butter and enjoy my last pig out before my surgery. Well, I haven't gotten insurance approval yet! I'm hoping to hear something by next week.

I am SO READY for the next phase of my life. This one has been really long, stressful and not fun!

Bring on the JOY!!!!

Love & blessings to you all!!!!!

And on a lighter note...

2009-10-25T23:23:00.000-05:00

Mwah hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh....

We carved a pumpkin today! Shelby named him Mr. Scarecrow.

Shelby & Mr. Scarecrow

He is kinda cute huh?

My last post wasn't meant to be a downer. Really, it wasn't. It was my life so far.

Thankfullly, I'm in control now and am taking the steps to make more good stuff happen and to push the bad stuff away. It has taken a long time for me to realize "I got this baby", but now I do and this is how I roll... Honestly, with integrity, love, hope, compassion and a splash of sass!

Thank you to my friends who love me, warts and all.

I love you all so very much!!!!

Snapshot of my life.

2009-10-25T01:21:00.016-05:00

Please note - this post contains very serious subject matter. It may be too much for some. It's been a long time coming. I'm taking a risk and hoping I've made a good choice.

While my name is Mary Elizabeth, I’ve been called Mary Beth for as long as I can remember.

My dad left for the first time (that I can remember) for another woman when I was around three years old. This happened many times. We always met the women he was with.

I’ve been told many times how I ruined my parents’ lives by being born. Not that I had any choice…

I was 10ish (maybe even younger) when my mom told me to leave and never come back… the first time.

No one believed that she did that. She laughed it off as well.

I showed my parents stash of pot to one of our babysitters (the church choir director’s son) one time. I didn’t think anything of it. I thought everyone’s parents smoked pot!

I was about 8 years old the first time I visited my aunt in the mental hospital. What do you mean that’s not normal?

Around the same time I snuck my first drag of a cigarette. I quit smoking 18 years ago!

When I was 11, I fell down the stairs. My parents refused to believe anything was wrong. It took something like six weeks for them to finally take me to an orthopedic doctor who said the growth plate in my ankle was broken in half.

My 6th grade teacher, Mr. Vitek, bought thick socks for my leg in a cast, because it was winter and my toes weren’t covered. For some reason, my parents didn’t think it was necessary. Or maybe they were just too busy.

My mom re-married, he had two daughters. My biological sister & the two step-sisters were buddies and it was clear I did not belong.

In 8th grade, my mother decided that I was a whore. How do I know that? She told me so. I moved in with my Paternal Grandparents and Aunt (who was working/in college). My Grandma refused to let me go back to live with my mom, her husband, my sister & step-sisters.

After 8th grade graduation, I moved in with my father and his much older girlfriend in MN. She was SO cool. She let me smoke in the house! I was 14.

There was a lot of drinking (and drugging I believe) going on all the time at that house.

The girlfriend left within a year or two. She didn’t sign up for parenthood.

Soon after, my dad started getting way too close for comfort.

He’d walk around in a robe, which would just accidentally open up.

He’d kiss me so hard, I could feel his teeth.

He found a girlfriend, at church; she was just 8 years older than me. She was a virgin (at least that’s what I was told).

My dad quit smoking.

He didn’t quit drinking.

He drank rum.

I hate the smell of booze, especially rum.

I told my counselor at school that my dad was hurting me. She called him and asked him! He laughed it off. Then told me how disappointed he was in me. Ahhh the good ole days!

I remember waking up one night to him lying next to me in bed, saying he was worried about me, that I was coughing a lot. I was 15 or so. I don’t remember coughing at all. I believe I told him to get the hell out of my bed. Amazing how tough I could be when I was half asleep!

His rage would pop up out of nowhere

I would cover holes from his fists with my Prince posters

One day he hit me so hard, I had a handprint on one side of my face. Friends took me to the police station. It was 1985. Police called him in for questioning. They released him. I was put into a home for runaways. I wasn’t a runaway, but that was the safest place for me to go.

One day I came home and was telling my dad about my day. He was wearing his robe. I should’ve known better. I should’ve gone up to my room, but I stayed. He rubbed my back. Then he reached around and touched my breast…

It was 25 years ago, so I can’t remember exactly what I did next, but I think I just found an excuse to get the hell away from him.

In the meantime, we were attending counseling. His then fiancé said that I deserved what happened to me. I walked around the house in suggestive clothing. I asked her - when did you ever see me wear suggestive clothing? She said - when I spent the night. And, when did you spend the night? When your father was away traveling. Oh, so I dressed in t-shirts and shorts for bed while you were there and that means that it was okay for my FATHER to touch me???? They’re still married.

I spent the night at my friend Jenny’s house. I told her the most recent occurrence of inappropriate behavior. What do you call it? Is it incest if you don’t have sex? Is it molestation? But is that bad enough a term? Either way, her mother refused to let me go back home. She contacted the authorities and I think my mother and within a week or two, I was back in IL

I have searched all over the place for Jenny, I can't find her :(

The first week I was back in IL. My step-father, in the middle of dinner, said “hey, at least I’m not climbing into your bed!” Like that was some kind of accomplishment!

I dated the “hot drug dealer” my senior year. I was an A student, what the hell was I doing???? It was what I knew. I’m quite sure he was cheating on me with many of the other girls I went to school with. He was pretty cute and Italian.

I moved out of that house within weeks of graduating from high school. I was 17 years old.

I lied on my application for my apartment and said I was 18. I had to get away from the bad stuff at my mom’s house.

My mom is mentally ill.

My mom is an alcoholic.

She's been sober for around six years now.

My mom was extremely emotionally abusive.

She tries very hard to be a good grandmother.

My mom tried to kill herself. I knew it was going to happen.

I was so relieved not to be living in that house anymore.

I think my sister is embarrassed to have me as her sister.

I love my sister.

My sister was worshipped; she was wanted.

My parents taught my sister, and step-sisters that I was nothing but a nuisance.

After all these years, and many years of therapy, that still makes me sad if I think about it too much.

My father never touched my sister. He sent her to private college.

I have two half brothers. I’m old enough to be their mother.

They don’t know me.

I’m quite sure they don’t know what our father did to me.

My dad acts as though nothing bad ever happened.

I still love my dad.

I will never forget what he did.

He has never made amends for the horrible things he’s done.

Every time I see him, I grin and bear it, for a couple of hours and then breathe a sigh of relief when it’s over.

I will never allow my daughter to be alone with my dad EVER.

It took YEARS for me to be able to speak to my father, on the phone, without being fully covered neck to toe. Like he could see/feel me through the phone!

I’ve made many poor decisions in my life because of my lack of self esteem and boundaries.

I mistook sex for love too many times.

I've lived in my car.

I’ve been forced to do things against my will.

I’ve loved men who never deserved my love.

I’ve walked away from men who were good, caring men. I didn’t know better and couldn’t handle being treated well.

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with stage III cervical cancer. I had no idea how sick I was!

I haven’t been in a relationship, a real, loving relationship in over 15 years.

When I had my child, I realized how much love I lived without.

Because of my child, I was nice to her father.

Because of my child, I finally contacted the police and got an order of protection against her father.

Because of my child, I stand up for myself.

Because of my child, I am learning to love myself.

Because of my child, I am learning to take care of myself.

Because of my child, I will not do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable again.

Because of my child, I am working on ME.

Because of my child, I love bigger and better than I ever imagined.

People ask me – How do you do it? How did you get through it? I had no other choice!

I am me because of all of the things that have happened to me and around me.

Every day I have to make a choice to do what is best for me and my child.

Some days are really hard.

I have a hard time asking for help.

Some days are easy.

I will not give up.

Nothing and no one can keep me down.

Okay, I’ve been down, but never count me out of the game.

I am a work in progress.

The saying “fight or flight” – I’m a fighter.

I try to surround myself with good people, who will love me unconditionally.

I have amazing friends! I love them so very much!

I started going to church this summer.

I feel like I'm going through a pretty major transformation this year.

I miss my Grandma O. She was my angel on earth. She was my saving grace!

This is my turn!

This is my time!

THIS IS MY LIFE!

Thank you!!!

One week at home with a sick kid - NOT FUN!

2009-10-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

Well, the last week has been just lovely... okay, not really.

Shelby went to a birthday party/sleepover last Saturday. I knew they had a cat and warned her that if her asthma acted up, I would come get her, you know the deal. Well she must've had fun, because I didn't even get a goodnight call! On Sunday, I went to pick her up. She was cranky (duh, you barely sleep at sleepovers!) and had a cough. Darn! I told her right away that we're just going to have to steer clear of all houses with cats for now. Her cough continued throughout the night.

Monday at 5:30am Shelby comes into my room saying she doesn't feel good. I reach up to feel her head and swear I could've gotten a burn! Her temp was 102.8. I called the pediatrician as soon as they opened and they got her in for a 10:15am appointment.

Our pediatrician's are great! Monday we saw Dr. G. she laughs at all my jokes - so of course, I love her! She said with Shelby's history of asthma, she was going to prescribe Tamiflu and instructed me to have Shelby use the nebulizer every four hours. We haven't used her nebulizer in several years, so I knew this is pretty serious. Also, ibuprofen every 6 hours for fever. Okay! We stopped at Walgreens and they said that they had to make the Tamiflu (apparently the manufacturer has a huge backlog and can't keep up with the orders), and told me to come back in 90 minutes. I got Shelby home, fed her and called the school to let them know that she was being treated for H1N1. No, they didn't test her for it. With her history, they chose to treat for it whether it was or not - obviously it's some type of flu! I ran to Walgreens to pick up the Oseltavamivir (generic Tamiflu), albuterol for the nebulizer and two bottles of ibuprofen liquid. Oh, the doctor also said no cough medicine because they do not want to suppress a cough. The body coughs for a reason. I was instructed to give her a Benadryl at bedtime if the coughing keeps her up. Lovely. Shelby kept the first dose of Tamiflu down, for two hours, then it came back up. I called the pharmacy, they said as long as it stays in her for 15 minutes, it's gotten into her system. Good, right? Uh huh. So then it's time for the 2nd dose, that didn't wait - it came up within a minute. Nice... Her fever never went below 101.7, and it was suggested that I get her into a luke warm bath to lower her temp. That backfired too! Her temp shot up to 103.8! Jeesh!

Tuesday, a nurse from the pediatrician's office called to check on Shelby. I told her the troubles she was having. She suggested Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. You see, one dose is only 4ml, that's less than a teaspoon! She asked if I had tasted it, so I did. It was pretty bitter, no wonder Shelby wasn't happy about taking it. So, I mixed 1ml of the medicine with 1ml of chocolate syrup and Shelby kept it down! Woo hoo! Success! So, I've split each dose in 1/2 so she does two "shots" in the morning and another two at night. Problem solved!

Next, the darn fever! It did get down below 103 before I tucked Shelby into bed on Monday night and all day Tuesday.

Today (Thursday) her fever is still hanging out between 99 & 100. Her cough is still nasty! Both of us have had it with the cough. I'm getting one too, but no fever for me (I think the flu shot is preventing me from getting worse, thank goodness!) The minute she opens her mouth to say something, she coughs! Poor baby!

The plan is to call the pediatrician tomorrow morning. Find out if there is anything else we can do.

Keep the good thoughts and prayers coming please. Being holed up in this house is wearing on us both!!

Gratitude!!!!

2009-10-14T23:02:00.003-05:00

Today was a long day, but I have so much to be grateful for!

Shelby (duh!)
My awesome job and wonderful boss & co-workers!
Wonderful friends!
Email
The beautiful colors of autumn
I made it to my first small group on Monday - woo hoooo!
Determination
Laughter
Indoor plumbing
Taking steps to a healther, happer MB (MB 2.0?)
Hearing that the bariatric center is submitting all my paperwork to the insurance company by tomorrow! I was told to check back in with them on 10/30 if I haven't heard from them before then.
I was able to bite my tongue today (when I really wanted to let "them" have it!)

I could go on, but I'm trying to get to bed early enough so that I can take my sleep-aid so I can try to get more than 3 hours sleep tonight.

Love and blessings to you all!

Nighty night!

And the waiting begins...

2009-10-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

On Thursday I went to my 2nd (and last) pre-op class! Woo hooo! I came home to a kitchen filled with paint from I could only assume an art project that Shelby decided to create in the 4 hours she was home alone. Mind you, she is required to ask me permission when I'm home, so I'm not sure what she was thinkin... Oh boy!

Friday, I went to see my primary care doctor for my last visit (I gained 3 pounds, stupid pms!). Okay, probably not the last visit ever, but the last visit before she writes "the letter" that gets sent to the bariatric center and then on to the insurance company so they can consider and then approve my gastric bypass surgery. Of course they'll approve it! I've done EVERY SINGLE THING they've asked. I've also got so many "co-morbidities" (asthma, joint pain, sleep apnea, reflux, barrett's esophagus, hiatal hernia) that it'd be just sad for them to deny me!

So now I wait!

Here are the things I know for sure. It will take 2-3 weeks for the insurance company to respond. Surgery is only on Tuesday, so most likely the surgery will be on a Tuesday in November. I will be on a liquid only diet for 10 days prior to surgery. They say the first few days are the hardest, but after that it's just something you need to do and knowing it will end is very helpful. After surgery, I will be on a clear liquid diet. I will spend 1-2 nights in the hospital depending on how I do after surgery. After the clear liquids, then there is a very slow progression that takes another 5-7 weeks to get back to "real" food. I should be back to work after 2-3 weeks. I'm hoping that our Christmas card picture will show the beginnings of a new me (and of course the gorgeousness of Shelby, as always)!

In the meantime, my friend Karen will be traveling from Switzerland to Chicago to visit and take care of me (and entertain Shelby & Wilbur). I am really looking forward to this. The only negative is that I won't be eating anything while she's in town. However, the outcome is TOTALLY worth it! We will be going to the outlet stores and spending more money than I have. I really don't enjoy shopping, but shopping with Karen is so fun!

Oh, I also scheduled a MB's goodbye to gluttony lunch for me & my fantabulous girlfriends at work. We're going to Bob Chinn's for lunch later this month and I am going to love every last morsel of the filet I'm going to order! I'm sure some day I will be able to enjoy a bite or two of steak, but this is just my way of saying goodbye to the old MB and hello to the new, improved, healthier MB!

So, the wait has begun. I'd really appreciate any good thoughts, prayers, kind words you could spare. Thanks a bunch!

p.s. Fred, I'm thinking about you and praying that this next chapter of your life shows you how wonderful things can be if you let go and let God (or Goddess) :) xo mb

Can I have a drumroll please?????

2009-10-07T23:37:00.001-05:00

I am NED!!!!!

(For those of you not familiar with cancer-speak
that's No Evidence of Disease!!!)

Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

now I have a cold (go figure!)

Thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts!
Love you all!!!

Wishing I felt stronger.

2009-10-06T01:04:00.000-05:00

It is almost 1am on Tuesday. I am exhausted. I am nauseous. I am scared. I don't know why, but this is more than my usual pre-checkup anxiety. Maybe it's all snowballed into the last 24 hours instead of a little each day for 7-10 days prior. Who knows. All I know is I feel like I'm going to puke. My head is pounding. I don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm scared that he's going to tell me the cancer is back.

No, I have no reason to think it's back. But, 3 1/2 years ago, I went in for hernia surgery and woke up hearing them talk about "the mass" and two days later I was told that I had an extremely rare form of cancer.

This year has been hell. I'm just worn out. I have wonderful friends, but they have got lives of their own. My family, well, I can't depend on them or go to them with my fears or worries. I've had to carry all of this for so long, I just want a break. A break from drama. A break from cancer and the worry that goes along with it. A break from being so freaking lonely - even when I'm with a church full of people!

I know it's me. I know that I'm at a low point. It still stinks.

Tomorrow, I will put Shelby on the school bus and then I will get ready. I'll drive to Crystal Lake and get on the train to Chicago, alone. I will then catch a cab to the Robert H. Lurie Cancer Care Center at Northwestern and see my oncologist along with at least 1 and maybe even 3 med students, alone. It will all be routine. I will pretend everything is perfect. I may tell them that I've been feeling nauseous for about a week or so, depending on whether I remember at the moment. Dr. Wayne will (I hope) say see you in six months and then I'll catch a cab, then take the train back to Crystal Lake and then drive to Woodstock to cheer Shelby on in her final conference cross country meet. Alone. I've been alone a long time. I'm getting pretty darned tired of it.

I pray that I am just extra stressed and worried and that things go well tomorrow. I need good stuff. Please.

I am grateful for:
Shelby
My job
My friends
My kind neighbors
The cool autumn weather
Indoor plumbing
Life

Is this thing on????

2009-09-29T18:57:00.007-05:00

Testing... does this work?
How does the new layout look? How about the pretty siggy? cute, huh?
Thank you Traci for your help!!!!!!

Just beautiful!

2009-09-28T22:36:00.011-05:00

I want to share with you the walk I took with Shelby Sunday evening.

This is at the end of our block, isn't it beautiful??

The sun was just beginning to set...

Isn't this just lovely?

The sunset reflecting off the water was just gorgeous!

Shelby walked to the end of the pier...

for some reason, I wasn't too keen on following her.

The sky was captivating!

But, I did finally walk to the pier and look what I saw...

Isn't she adorable????

I bet the temperature dropped at least 15 degrees in an hours time, she was getting cold!

The moon looked lovely as well.

Then, Shelby said "it's too cold, I wanna go home!" and back to reality we went...

Tomorrow, I turn 41. I don't feel 41.

I remember when 41 was OLD!

Not anymore!

40 is the new 20!!!!

So, I'm turning 21 tomorrow... right?

Love & blessings to you all,

Please pardon our dust, and other ramblings of a madwoman!

2009-09-24T22:15:00.008-05:00

Hello Friends!

Yes, I'm changing the blog layout again. I decided I needed something less PINK!! So, until Traci has time to fix the heading or show me how the heck to edit the heading template, the blog is gonna look a little bit silly.

Here comes the rambling!!!!

Shelby hit her head on Monday night. According to Shelby, it was all my fault! I'm going to try to explain what happened... Try to stay with me, k? I was in the bathroom combing my hair in front of the mirror. Shelby decided she just had to hang onto me like a monkey (behind me, arms around my neck). Shelby doesn't weigh 30 pounds anymore, she weighs 90 pounds and was hurting my back. I asked several times for her to let go. "No, I will never let go Mommy!" as cute as could be. I bumped her lightly with my rear and she must've let go at that exact moment and she fell backward, but sideways into the tub and smacked her head on the lip of the tub! We do not do anything half way in the O'Keefe household! She cried hysterically for at least an hour and a half before finally calming down. I called the pediatrician, she told me all the things to look for. Thank goodness she didn't lose consciousness and wasn't acting any stranger than normal. The doctor told me to wake her up once before I go to bed to make sure she doesn't have a hard time getting up. She was fine. In the morning, she said she was still in a lot of pain. So we went to the pediatrician Tuesday afternoon. Diagnosis: she hit her head and it's gonna hurt for a while! Tadaaaaaaa! Apparently the medical degree made the difference because I told Shelby the same thing and it wasn't good enough!

So Wilbur (aka Willy the Wonder Dog) is a freak. The older he gets, the stranger he gets! When we had Teddy & Wilbur, Ted's food was in the kitchen, Wilbur's in the hallway. Before Ted, everything was in the kitchen. After Teddy passed, I put Wilbur's food back in the kitchen. Did he eat? NOPE! So, I put the food just outside the kitchen on the carpet (he's always been strange, getting a mouthful of food, walking into the living room dropping it on the floor & then eating a little at a time). This week, he's been acting even stranger! He gets a treat when he goes outside & takes care of business. Well, I'd give him the treat, he'd take it, walk away and I'd find it somewhere in the living room or hallway. So, I stopped giving him treats. I put the treats that he had dropped in his food bowl, figuring that he'll get hungry eventually. Tonight, he was begging like crazy. When he came in from his latest trek outside, he ate his treat, then I gave him the two that were in his bowl. Yay, he's hungry finally! Yes, but he won't eat the food out of his bowl! What the heck? He wants to eat, but can't go near the bowl! So, I pick it up, move it approximately 6 inches over and then he eats almost all the food out of the bowl! What a nut!!

I found out on Monday that my friend Lynnette was diagnosed with breast cancer. She found a lump a few weeks ago, but never told me. She knows I'm going through a lot of stuff right now and didn't want to burden me. Strangely, being there for her would've been a relief! When she told me, I felt horrible that she felt she couldn't share with me. She is terrified! I want to fix it for her. She has three children who are 18 months - six years old. Today she had a double mastectomy. Things didn't go as smoothly as they expected and the surgery took a little longer than they planned, but she is okay. I know what it's like dealing with a cancer diagnosis and treatment on my own. I never want anyone to have to go through that! I'm going to try to do everything I can to make sure that she knows she is not alone, she's loved and an army of angels are praying for her! Please, if you pray, pray for my friend Lynnette. If not, send good vibes or juju her way. Or just think good healing thoughts. Cancer SUCKS!

Speaking of cancer, my next checkup is in a little over a week. So far, I'm not too anxious, but there's time for that to change. It's just the "what ifs" that are hard to ignore. There is no cure for Liposarcoma. There isn't a magic date that I will be declared "cured". That stinks. Maybe when I only have to go in once a year, I'll feel a little less bitter ;o)

I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks. Thank goodness I'm going to go see her next week!

Speaking of therapy... I was impressed with Mackenzie Phillips' courage on speaking about the horrible abuse she endured when she was a teen and older. True to form, the women who "loved" her sick father say he was "incapable" of doing what she spoke about. Ladies, yes he was capable and he did it. No, I don't know this personally, but they sound just like my father's 24 year old girlfriend when I spoke up about my abuse at the age of 16. She said I "asked for it". Can you believe that? They're still married. I try not to think about it too much. Being abused by a parent is the most damaging, confusing, frustrating, terrifying, and best way to screw up a person for life! It's your parent. You love them. But they have violated you. This is not something you "get over" or "forget". You can move on, but it never, ever leaves you.

There is an amazing woman, Angela Shelton, who made a documentary "Searching for Angela Shelton". She was sexually abused by her father and confronted him in the documentary. She is not afraid to tell her story and speak out against abuse. I have a magnet that says I heart Angela Shelton. She is amazing. She gives me strength when I don't feel like I have any. Thank you Angela, for being the voice of so many!

My 41st birthday is next week. I have no plans, with my family. I am having lunch on Monday at On the Border with Traci. Tuesday (my birthday) I'm having lunch with Rosa. I think maybe this weekend Shelby & I may have dinner or lunch out (if I can scrape together the money).

I can't believe October starts next week! I've already got too much going on too! On Friday, I see the credit counseling people. Gosh, I hope they can help me. Saturday (10/3) I go to Northwestern for my x-ray & MRI that takes forEVER and then Tuesday (10/6) I go back and discuss the results with my Oncologist. Then, on 10/9, I see my primary care physician for my last checkup before she writes the letter to the insurance company recommending the bypass surgery. Then, I wait, hopefully not too long for approval from the insurance company. Then I get a surgery date (my guess is early-mid November) and then my life starts over! Oh my friends and I will be going to Bob Chinn's for a "goodbye to the old MB" lunch once surgery is approved!

I told you I was going to ramble! I needed to spew!

I'm looking forward to sleeping in this weekend and going to church on Saturday (Shelby is bringing a friend)!

I am also expecting a dirt delivery. Exciting huh? The dirt coming is a wonderful gift from a generous neighbor and will aid in alleviating the flooding in our front yard. I've got pavers to build a retaining wall and a friend who will be putting that together. I just need to wait until I get paid to get the paver paste (I think that's what he said I needed to get) and then he can build the wall! After that, a new sump pit in the crawl space. I'm telling you, it's an adventure!!

Okay, enough rambling. Now for some gratitude:

Shelby
My amazing friends
Wilbur
My fantastic job
Having a roof over our head
TV shows are back & new!
Laughter

That's it for today. I think I dug deep enough for a while.

Thank you, so very much, for listening (er, reading) my friends.

Love and blessings to you all.

:) xo mb

Life is NOT a "solo mission"

2009-09-20T15:20:00.004-05:00

A while back, I mentioned a letter telling me that life was a "solo mission". Obviously it struck a cord, because it's still playing in my head all this time later.

I started going to church a couple of months ago at The Chapel in Grayslake, IL. I started in the middle of their "Kings" series and despite not attending services for the whole series, I really enjoyed the message!

The new series is "Lost in Suburbia" and the theme song is "Little Boxes" which cracks me up because that's the theme song for this very cool (and very un-christian) show called "Weeds" which is about a woman who turns to selling pot to afford to stay in the community after her husband dies. Every time I hear the song play at the beginning of the service, I chuckle!

Back to "Lost in Suburbia". Last night's message was about how no one is that good to go life alone. I wish they had the message posted online, but it's not there yet. Ugh! Edit - it's there now, so here it is, the message about community. It was wonderful. Throughout my life, I fought every single battle on my own. Why? Because that's all I know. I didn't have anyone that I could count on. I've got some major scars on my psyche from the physical and emotional abuse I endured. After begging for help and getting nothing, I just stopped asking. Last night's message was wonderful and exactly what I needed to hear. It hit me deep in my heart! It was about community and how we need community to grow and thrive. Like Scott (Chapman, the pastor) said "No one is that good! More power to ya, if you think you can do this alone, but no one is that good!" Okay, that may be paraphrasing, but that was the message.

Life is not a solo mission. Life is about community! It is about surrounding yourself with people who love you unconditionally. No, you don't have to be a "bible thumper" or only hang out with Christians or people who "believe" (I don't think I'm there yet anyway). But community is good. Not the "hey how ya doing" community. The relationships where you feel comfortable sharing how you really feel and not just respond "I'm doing just great!" because you know they don't really want to hear what's really going on. I have learned that my friends, my wonderful friends, will listen and do want to know how I'm doing. They'll also tell me when I'm whining too much, or that I'm making a mistake.

One funny thing that Scott said was he wasn't talking about "truth tellers" who are always willing to tell you what's wrong with you... Hmmmmm, Fred calls me a "truth teller". I am hoping that he means it in a kinder, gentler way. Like I tell the truth about everything (not just the bad stuff)... That kinda made me laugh that uncomfortable, uh oh is that what Fred means, laugh.

I know I don't need others to validate me. But, hearing last night's message, made me feel so much better and it did validate my feelings about needing others in my life. I feel sad that the person who wrote to me and told me that life is a solo mission really felt that it was okay to tell me that. As if that person was an expert on life (my life as a matter of fact) and doing everything alone. I know for a fact that this person is very close to several siblings and speaks on the phone with them daily if not multiple times a day. So, how could that person say life be a "solo mission"? While this person seemed to be projecting their feelings onto me, it still was very sad and hurtful. What good comes out of telling someone that they must go through life alone? It's not the first time I've heard it. My own sister (who I love so very much) has told me several times in several ways that I don't deserve anyone, I deserve to be alone, etc. etc. Yeah, that felt really good!

Over the next few months, I'm going to try harder to broaden my horizons and my "community". After my surgery, I'm going to accept help from anyone who offers! I'm also going to try to join a "small group" at church after Shelby's cross-country season is done. It has become very apparent to me that I need community. I need to know that people are there for me and I am there for them. Because of past experiences, I've isolated myself. I do not need to isolate myself any longer. There are people out there who will love me for me.

For that, I am so grateful!

Thanks for listening my friends!
:) xo mb

They did it again!

2009-09-18T22:45:00.003-05:00

I am so disappointed. It's only 9 hours every other weekend. 234 hours out of the 8760 hours in a year. But, something always "comes up".

Sperm donor & his mother are mean, horrible, selfish, SICK people.

They do not deserve the love that Shelby gives to them.

It won't be much longer before she stops trying. She's a pretty smart kid!

I am so grateful for my friends who show me & Shelby what it's like to be loved unconditionally.

Thank you friends!

:) xo mb