Um, can I get a re-write???

I am slowly starting to consider to accept that Bill may be gone for good... It's hard.  Really hard.  I know that I am going to get through this.  I've been through worse, way worse.  I know that.  It's just been a LONG time since I ever considered forever with a man, and I really thought I found the one . I'm still not sleeping well.  But I'll get there, I know that. It's Spring Break time for Shelby.  She's going with my mom for a mani-pedi tomorrow (I am so jealous!).  I'm taking Wednesday through Friday off.  My six month scans are this weekend.  Hopefully we'll have nice weather so we (me, Shelby & her friend Allie) can have a good time in Chicago after my loooooong MRI & chest x-ray.  Oh oh oh, if my results show that I'm NED, that makes FIVE YEARS! Then, I'll only have to go once a year... I can handle that.  Much easier than cancer, that's for sure! Okay, I'm going to work on finding things to be grateful...

It's been 24 days since I last saw Bill.  It was at the ER, Shelby was there for a fainting and asthma "episode".  I know it was hard for him to be there because of previous bad things happening in hospitals (his wife passed away at 30 years old).  Okay, so it's been 24 days.  I'm DYING.  No, not literally.  But, my heart is breaking into little tiny pieces.  We had plans.  He had plans with Shelby.  We had plans to combine our families, after fixing up my house & selling it.  I'm guessing those plans are no more.  Or, is this "normal" for a man?  I have NOT had a serious relationship in, oh, probably more than 15 years.  13 because of my fear of the wrath of the sperm donor.  I finaly meet someone special.  I mean, you saw my post.  He read it too.  He looked me in the eyes and told me that I was it for him.  My child loves him.  The dogs love him. He's gone.  He's alive.  At...