Um, can I get a re-write???

Okay, I’ve been in denial lately… I’ve lost 47 pounds since my surgery on 12/29/09 – Yay! I should be super happy, thrilled with the amazing progress I’ve made, right? Yeah, I’m not.  Not that I’m not happy or thrilled about losing close to 50 pounds in 9 weeks. It’s that I’m just not happy. Rewind… It’s been 11 months since I officially started my WLS (weight loss surgery) journey. Very soon after I started my “medically managed weight loss program” required by my insurance, a friend started telling me about his experience. Pretty much right away he started talking about the shortcuts or workarounds of eating. I started wondering how healthy he really was. Then, his posts on my blog were very strange. Like, I didn’t understand a few of them. Then, he would tell me the same story over and over. I realized he was drinking heavily. So, despite losing 200 pounds after having gastric bypass surgery, this guy was drinking to excess. FYI – drinking alcohol is the number one thing to avoi...

It is almost 1am on Tuesday. I am exhausted. I am nauseous. I am scared. I don't know why, but this is more than my usual pre-checkup anxiety. Maybe it's all snowballed into the last 24 hours instead of a little each day for 7-10 days prior. Who knows. All I know is I feel like I'm going to puke. My head is pounding. I don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm scared that he's going to tell me the cancer is back. No, I have no reason to think it's back. But, 3 1/2 years ago, I went in for hernia surgery and woke up hearing them talk about "the mass" and two days later I was told that I had an extremely rare form of cancer. This year has been hell. I'm just worn out. I have wonderful friends, but they have got lives of their own. My family, well, I can't depend on them or go to them with my fears or worries. I've had to carry all of this for so long, I just want a break. A break from drama. A break from cancer and the worry tha...