I never thought I'd find a kindred spirit in Tatum O'Neal... but I do!

I'm home alone, doing laundry & looked On-Demand for top picks and Ryan & Tatum O'Neal popped up.  So I clicked on it and started watching.

She was on the phone with her brother Griffin & he said "Ryan O'Neal, the man with no remorse" and I wanted to cry!  Because my dad is SO like that.  He has done so many horrible things but has never owned his actions and the consequences to his actions.  He even had his wife (just 8  years older than me) blaming me for his sexual inappropriateness.  Yes, at 15-16 years old I "asked" for the gross attention I got from my father.  Oh and the hitting, I totally deserved that!  Uh huh...

So, here I am watching Ryan O'Neal talk about how his daughter abandoned him... I'm watching Tatum fall apart in therapy.  Ryan is so delusional that he thinks SHE (the child) hurt him... She feels so guilty addressing the past that she's got to walk away from therapy.  He sits there and feels completely sorry for himself.  Is that Narcissism?  I think it might be. 

I avoided therapy for years because I thought I might completely lose it.  Amazingly, I didn't. I hope she goes back to therapy.  I think what scared her more than anything was that she was RIGHT in making the choice to leave her father 25 years ago and cut off ties.  I finally told my dad that I'm done pretending & that I really don't see any reason to communicate, except for the occasional email, about a year ago.  Funny, he even cut off all communication with Shelby.  She texted him on his birthday, he texted back "thanks".  Did he wish her a happy 13th birthday just 2 weeks later?  Hello no!  Oh and HE is so delusional that his "Christmas Letter" included pictures of me & Shelby & my sisters kids that we had sent out for Christmas and he wrote about our lives, like what he was saying was true.  Oh, he also threw in there that he had another tumor removed from his bladder.  I think that was for our (me & my sister) benefit.  Oh, poor me, I have cancer.  Karma's a bitch buddy.  Let's see, not that I should take your inventory but I'm gonna take a stab at it:

• Despite knowing that your very young girlfriend was completely crazy, you got her pregnant and then proceeded to blame the CHILD (me) for every bad thing that happened after that.
• You were cheating on your first wife for pretty much your entire marriage.  There were even times where you moved out WITH OTHER WOMEN and then came back.
• You drank to the point of delirium and then proceeded to DRIVE with your small children in your truck.
• You smoked & snorted as many drugs as you could. 
• You treated your daughter like a secretary and had me make up excuses when you were too hung over or sick to show up for work.
• You felt up your own daughter, multiple times.  Made disgusting suggestions and walked around with your robe open (naked).
• You would chase me through the house, and aim for me, but usually only punched holes in my bedroom door which I miraculously was able to shut & lock before you got to me.
• You dated your fiance and abstained from sex because she was a virgin.  She was 24, I was 16.  You still were a perv around me.
• You hit me so hard, you left a black and blue hand print on my face & ruptured my ear drum.  They REMOVED me from your home because of your violence, but somehow, the law was on your side, and they eventually sent me back.
• You did it again, and again... until my friend's mother refused to let me go home again.
• One day, you wrote a letter to me, or so you say.  I never saw it, but supposedly it was an "amends" letter.  It was stolen.  You refused to send me another.  Amazing how you can only apologize in writing when it is stolen from my mail. 
• You married that virgin, had two children with her and did your damnedest to make sure that I and they knew how worthless I was. 
• Those two children don't even know me.  One of them can barely stand me. Why, I don't know.  It sure isn't because you were honest about your behavior when I was a child... But, I think he's coming around and realizes that even without the booze, you're still slime.
• You snorted away my college fund, but you found a way to send your other children to college.
• Even after all these years, you STILL make inappropriate comments about girls/women despite me asking you NOT to. 
• I will not even elaborate on the emotional/mental abuse.  My God you are a master manipulator!  Fuckhead!
• You take advantage of anyone you possibly can. 
• You have become a 2nd father to a girl who, if she knew what kind of man you are/were (I do not believe you have changed much if at all), she would choose not be around you.

Despite the fucked-up-ness of my childhood, I have survived and I am quite successful.  I really am sorry you had cancer.  I have had two kinds of cancer. Were you there EVER for me?  Nope.  You see, kids don't HAVE to be there for their parents.  I don't expect my child to pick up the pieces when I'm older.  If she does, thank you so  much Shelby.  If she doesn't, it's okay.  It's not her job.  However, I do think that she just might be there for me.  Because I have nurtured her and loved her better than I've ever imagined being loved myself.  YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

Oh, and yes, my mom sucked too.  Unfortunately, she's got dementia.  I am not her only child, but I'm the only child who is there for her.  I  have to bite my tongue every single time I speak to her.  She thinks she raised me right! LOL!  You both taught me how not to be.  You see?  So I suppose I can be grateful for that. 

Thanks mom & dad for fucking up so royally that I was determined NOT to fuck up my kid(s) or relationships...  How fucking sad is that?  My parents beat the shit out of me in every way possible, so I refused to be like them. 

Wow.  I suppose I still have some pent up anger/resentment/hurt.  I wonder, will it ever go away?  For my sake and my child's sake, I don't think it will.  I have to remember where I came from, and steer clear of that place forever and ever Amen...

Nothing like a little emotional release, huh?

Now for some gratitude...

• My sweet Shelby
• My fricking awesome friends
• Jennifer Larson (my friend from Hopkins Sr. High School whose mom protected me from evil)
• Patricia B. Larson (Jenny's mom)  - been looking for them forever!
• I am off work until the 11th WOOT WOOT!
• Our pooches <3
• My awesome job (and vacation time) LOL!
• Indoor plumbing
• Central Air
• Knowledge that I am safe now!!