Gratitude and Prayers

Gratitude first today:

• Shelby!
• Good Friends
• Laughter
• My job
• Kindness from others
• Payday!

Okay, prayers. I'm going to try very hard to not curse much (if at all). But, I'm tellin' you it's hard tonight! I've been told so many times that my sweet Shelby will figure out, on her own, what a blankety-blank her "father" is. Well, she is figuring it out and it is breaking my heart to watch her heart break! This sucks! Today, when we were scheduling her next appointment with her counselor, I reminded her that this weekend she is supposed to see her dad. That was the first sign of trouble. She said "no it isn't!" Well, it went downhill from there.

She said that she didn't like her dad or grandma. They hurt her and let her down all the time and she doesn't want to see them again. I know that isn't the case. I know she loves them. I tried to change the subject. No such luck. Here are some of the things my sweet angel said:

• I wish my dad would go to jail for a long time!
• Grandma shouldn't be helping him!
• I never want to go to visit them again
• I do not love them!
• He's mean
• He doesn't care about me
• He threw away the DARE poster I made for him
• He likes alcohol more than me
• He's never going to stop drinking
• He could kill himself or someone else
• I'm scared of him
• If I died, he wouldn't even go to the funeral (YIKES!)
• I wish you were married to a nice man so I could forget about my dad
• I pray that something bad happens to him so he stops drinking and being mean!

UGH! I tried the following:

• I know you love your dad & grandma
• It doesn't matter whether your dad or grandma like me or whether I like them. Your relationship with them is separate.
• It is okay to love your dad/grandma
• It is okay to tell him how you feel
• There is nothing that you can do to make your dad or grandma change. It takes a lot of work, but you must learn to change your expectations and reaction to their behavior.
• I have given you a phone to carry with you at all times, to keep you safe.
• I am sure that Dad & Grandma love you very much
• Praying for something bad to happen isn't going to make something bad happen. It's only going to get you more upset.
• Nana is REALLY GOOD at praying for people she doesn't care for or who have hurt her. Maybe she can give you some pointers. I'm not good at it either!
• It is okay to feel disappointed
• It is okay to feel sad
• I think we should talk about this some other time
• No, I don't know if your dad will ever stop drinking
• Maybe he drinks because he can't live with himself and what he has done. Maybe he feels like drinking is the only way he can get through the day.
• No, it's not an excuse, and I can't believe I'm saying it. I'm just trying to explain to you how he may feel.
• Without your father, I would not have you. That is something I can't take away, nor do I want to!
• Maybe I should look into Ala teen groups in the area.

When we got home. She finally cried. She still doesn't want to call tomorrow to verify visitation. I suggested we make the entire weekend free for them (so we don't inconvenience them) one more time. If they cancel, then we can re-think things.

My child is so amazing. Amazingly bright. Amazingly gorgeous. Amazingly loving. Amazingly affectionate. Amazingly passionate. Amazingly dramatic.

She goes from zero to 100 in a second flat. I suppose you can say that I used to be that way. I don't think I am anymore. Maybe zero to 50... At 40 I am learning that I don't have to holler to be heard every single time. I'm hoping that I'm giving both of us the tools to deal with the valleys in life as well as possible.

I remember 11. 11 was HARD! I lived in a house with two crazy adults. Hey, Shelby only has one partially nutty adult to live with. That's good, right? ;o)

Oh, one of my colleagues at work asked me today about people I had asked her (and her angel mom) to pray for today. I gave her updates and then asked if it was okay to pray for something bad to happen to someone... I KNOW! HOW THE HECK COULD YOU DO THAT MARY BETH?!!!!! I knew she'd say "NO!" I then asked if she could please pray for Shelby's father (I'm still going to call him the sperm donor most of the time, I haven't evolved much!) I told her that I hoped that he would get a stiff jail sentence on Monday at his (hopefully final) DUI court date. I know it sounds harsh, but I don't know of anything else that might get him to sober up enough to stay sober and take responsibility for his life and actions.

How crazy, huh? I asked for "bad" prayers for him earlier today and my sweet Shelby said she was going to say "bad" prayers for him tonight! HOLY COW! The apple does not fall far from the tree. Hopefully it's just that she's catching on a lot faster than I did.

One more thing! Vicki's husband, Mike, came over today and mowed my lawn (AWESOME) and started laying out the pavers for the retaining wall that he'll be building so that my front yard can get built up and the water can stay AWAY from the house. Now, there isn't any dirt. Not sure when the dirt will appear (it's all a secret I guess), but it will be free so I can't complain! Once the load of dirt appears, then things will start changing! woo hooo! Then, after that, my crawl space is going to get lined with plastic & a bigger/better sump pit dug! Isn't this exciting??? Add that to my gratitude list!

And another thing ;o)~ My mom gave me a suggestion this weekend (it shocked me too!) She told me about an organization called CCCS which is (I think) Consumer Credit Counseling Services. They help people, no matter their income, to get out from under debt without affecting their credit score (so avoiding bankruptcy and/or foreclosure). I am not near foreclosure. But, the sperm donor being behind over $6500 has put me in a pretty big sink hole. I can't get myself out of it. I've spent the last year hoping things would work out, but they haven't. I still owe the lawyer for the "deal" she made with Dana, since he hasn't paid me a frickin cent! Soooooo, I filled out an application (took several hours to go through every stinking bill I had) and got a call this morning. I have an appointment for October 2nd. I'm hoping this is a good thing.

It just goes to show you, even when you try to do everything right, bad stuff is going to happen.

BUT - I will be okay! Shelby will be okay!

Thanks for listening.

Love to you all!

:) xo mb