Saying Hello and Goodbye

So, here I go, hopefully I won't make a fool of myself! Okay, if I do, please laugh quietly, k?

I've been "threatening" to start a blog for some time. My friends joke that if they didn't know me, they wouldn't believe half the stuff - because it's so crazy. Sometimes I think they're right, other times I wonder (hope?) there are others out there with similar experiences.

I used to write. Write papers, journals, notes to my daughter, to my sister, lovers... Then it stopped! Not sure why. I think some of that has to do with the downward spiral of my self esteem. Some because I'm just too damn busy!
I think I'm going to use this as a vessel to tell the story of Mary Beth, past, present and future. Of course, that may change. Who knows!

It is almost midnight and I have no freaking idea why I chose to start tonight, but I did!

Maybe it's because this weekend has been emotionally draining. You see, we adopted a big dog last June. We guessed he was a Chow/Golden mix. He was BIG, and furry - pretty much a 80 pound dust mop. I thought my house was messy before we got Teddy, after we got him, there were leaves, those helicopter thingys, ice in the winter - it was LOVELY. When we adopted Teddy, the vet determined that he was probably twice as old as the shelter said he was (so he was 10-ish), arthritic and he had cataracts. We got him as a companion for our other dog, Wilbur. They were buddies, just not the kind of buddies I had thought they'd be, but they bonded quite quickly (thank goodness). Friday night, around 10:30, I opened the back door to let Ted in. He loved the outdoors, and I let him stay out on the back deck as much as the weather permitted. Normally, it would take a minute for Teddy to get on his feet, he was old and had arthritis. But it was different this time. He couldn't get up, finally got up, then his rear legs buckled. I cringed! He got up and got into the house, but it was obvious something was REALLY wrong. Everytime he got up, every time he tried to shake (he was always shaking his big fat mane), he would collapse. SHIT! I have talked to Shelby about the fact that he won't be around as long as Wilbur. But he can't do this to me, NOT NOW! I've been bitching about him all week. He wouldn't get out of my bedroom and kept me up several nights last week. He's a panter. And by pant, I mean, the LOUDEST heavy panting I have ever heard. And it doesn't stop! If he's awake, Ted is panting away. So, here I am thinking that I've been cursing this dog and now he's going to go an lose his ability to walk, to spite me! Because i was annoyed by him. He was going to show me! I went to bed around 2am, hoping that he would be better in the morning...

He wasn't. He was worse. He was looking at me with such sad eyes. So, here I go, sending Shelby to the neighbor to ask for help because I can't move him on my own. Thank goodness our neighbor Lee was home. I stood in front of Teddy and tried to coax him to stand, and Lee took his hind quarters. It was horrible! We got him in the car. I knew I had to say something to Shelby. I said something like "Honey, you know that this may not turn out really good, right?" Of course she did! We both started bawling. I had called the vet's office ahead of time, so they were ready. A tech came out and helped with Teddy and got him into a room. The poor dog peed all over the exam room, I knew he felt horrible! Shelby is crying in the room with Teddy, I sign him in then the vet comes in. I knew from the way he looked at me, this was not gonna end well. Shelby was so upset, she left before I spoke with the vet. He said there was really only one solution for our Teddy Bear. No medicine would make his back legs work. We had to let him go. Of course, I am sobbing! Then I have to get Shelby to tell her. She cups his face in her hands and begs him for a goodbye kiss and he just can't do it! He was done. She hugged him and left the room sobbing. Thank goodness they had someone there to hug her!

Next the doctor gave Ted a shot to sedate him. He didn't even seem to notice it. I was talking to him telling him what a good dog he was and how much we love him. It only took a few minutes for him to put his head down. Of course, in the midst of all of this I needed to give them my debit card (good God, how many bills am I not going to be able to pay this month?!) and decide whether I want his remains, or a mass cremation, or do I want to take him home. I decide on the mass cremation. He will always be in our hearts! Then, the vet and another tech come in. Teddy is laying there, tongue sticking out, eyes almost closed and I am sobbing while they give him the blue concoction that will ease him into what I hope to be a doggie paradise.

He's gone. That was it. The vet was crying, gave me a hug then I went and hugged Shelby and we went home. That was it. Didn't seem like enough. He was a good dog. An annoying, heavy panting, huge dustmop of a dog. But a good dog. He was ALWAYS smiling! His eyes were gorgeous! Poor Wilbur got a complex because he's not the 'pretty' one. But Wilbur is here and he loves us, and I really hope he's going to last for a long long time. 'Cuz I don't know if I can go through this again anytime soon! My tear ducts have gotten a big workout this weekend. I am surprised I have any tears left, but they haven't stopped. I'm feeling better than I did yesterday. Shelby seems to be fine. She told me that Teddy is in heaven and is working on finding the perfect dog for us to get next time!!! I'm hoping it's smaller, preferably a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel (black & tan or tri-color please) with a long life ahead of it!

Okay folks, that's it. I've written enough for one day. To those of you that I share this with - thank you for reading! Thank you for any thoughts you care to share.

Teddy Bear, we miss you so much! Thank you for spending your last 11 months with us!


  1. Oh I am so very very sorry. I have been there and find comfort in the following:

    The Last Battle
    If it should be that I grow frail and weak, and pain should keep me from my sleep,
    Then will you do what must be done, for this -- the last battle -- can't be won.
    You will be sad I understand, but don't let grief then stay your hand,
    For on this day, more than the rest, your love and friendship must stand the test.
    We have had so many happy years, you wouldn't want me to suffer so.
    When the time comes, please, let me go.

    Take me to where to my needs they'll tend, only, stay with me till the end
    And hold me firm and speak to me, until my eyes no longer see.
    I know in time you will agree, it is a kindness you do to me.
    Although my tail its last has waved, from pain and suffering I have been saved.
    Don't grieve that it must be you, who has to decide this thing to do;
    We've been so close -- we two -- these years, don't let your heart hold any tears.

    -- Unknown


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