Change is coming soon!!!!!
This is me, approximately 2 weeks before I had Shelby. I was tired, but looked pretty good for being 38 weeks pregnant! Look at my arms & legs, no fat! Shelby was born weighing 9 pounds 10 ounces and 22 1/4" long! Big baby! Please ignore the scrunchy, my hair was really, really long!
This is me & Shelby. This afternoon. I weigh approximately 30 pounds more than I did the day I had Shelby! I am not at my heaviest (I've lost approximately 6 pounds recently), but I am DONE being fat! I hate it. I'm ashamed! I can't walk up a flight of stairs without being winded. I have sleep apnea. My asthma is quite bad and I'm exhausted all the time.
There are so many contributing factors to my weight issues. Abuse as a child and teen, abuse from boyfriends in adulthood... Cancer and the huge surgery to get clear margins. Depression. I haven't gone on a date in forEVER and being heavy gives me a great excuse for being alone. Who the heck wants to be with someone like me? I suppose there are plenty of men who like bigger women. But, those women are happy being big. Me? I'm miserable! But for a long time, it's been my protection, my shield.
Things are changing folks. I've been thinking about this for a couple of years and after I was granted the order of protection against the "sperm donor" - I realized that I am FREEEEEEEE to be the best MB I want to be! He can't be around me. He can't threaten me or my child. He is out of my stinking life (with the exception of 9 hours with Shelby every other weekend) until January 2011! WOOO HOOOOOO! I've got a plan. I've only shared it with a few people because, well, it's personal and MINE. My plan seems to be coming together and after seeing the picture of myself today, it was a slap in the face! UGH!
So here is the plan (big picture, not details): I'm going to have weight loss surgery. No, I do not weigh 300 pounds (I weigh 216), and my bmi is about 40 - which is VERY BAD. I also have co-morbidities (contributing factors) which affect my health. They are: sleep apnea, asthma and GERD so severe that I have had Barrett's Esophagus for the last 6 years. My paternal Grandfather died from esophageal cancer, and Barrett's is dysplasia of the cells (which is a pre-cursor to cancer). I do NOT need a 3rd cancer. I've survived Stage III Cervical Cancer and Stage I Liposarcoma. That is enough for me, thank you very much!
Originally, I wanted the lapband surgery. Then, I met with the surgeon and discussed all my GERD issues and he explained that things would only get worse with the lapband. So that option was taken off the table right away. So, it took a little while for me to think about it, but I've decided to have the gastric bypass surgery. It's a huge decision. I have been talking to people who had the surgery already and attend support group meetings as well as individual therapy sessions. I know that this will be an entire lifestyle change. But, you know what? I am so fricking ready for it! To meet insurance requirements, I've been under a "medically managed weight loss program" with my doctor for the last 5 months. October 9th will mark my last visit with her. She will then write a letter to my insurance along with a bunch of other paperwork and then, I may have surgery (laproscopic) by early November! In the meantime, I have my next checkup with my oncologist at Northwestern on October 6th. Liposarcoma is CANCER OF THE FAT CELLS. Funny, huh? Too bad a bunch of liposuction wouldn't cure me, huh? Liposarcoma is going to be in my life until I die. It is not something that I will ever stop seeing the doctor for. Which sucks! But, being able to walk around Chicago without having to sit and catch my breath every 10 minutes, will be SO worth it!
Okay, that's a lot to write and say all at once. But, I thought it was probably time for me to share my "secret".
I've already gotten a two-page letter from a "well-meaning" person about all the horrible things that could happen and how the surgery didn't work for that person, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, this person ended up "projecting" their feelings about themself onto me.
I understand you, my friends, will be concerned. Feel free to ask questions. Feel free to give me lots of love & support! Just know, Shelby and I are ready for this! We are ready to start this new, healthy, energetic and happy phase of our lives!
Love to you all!
:) xo xo mb