Change is coming soon!!!!!


WARNING!
THIS POST CONTAINS IMAGES SOME MAY FIND OFFENSIVE!!!

This is me, approximately 2 weeks before I had Shelby. I was tired, but looked pretty good for being 38 weeks pregnant! Look at my arms & legs, no fat! Shelby was born weighing 9 pounds 10 ounces and 22 1/4" long! Big baby! Please ignore the scrunchy, my hair was really, really long!



This is me & Shelby. This afternoon. I weigh approximately 30 pounds more than I did the day I had Shelby! I am not at my heaviest (I've lost approximately 6 pounds recently), but I am DONE being fat! I hate it. I'm ashamed! I can't walk up a flight of stairs without being winded. I have sleep apnea. My asthma is quite bad and I'm exhausted all the time.


There are so many contributing factors to my weight issues. Abuse as a child and teen, abuse from boyfriends in adulthood... Cancer and the huge surgery to get clear margins. Depression. I haven't gone on a date in forEVER and being heavy gives me a great excuse for being alone. Who the heck wants to be with someone like me? I suppose there are plenty of men who like bigger women. But, those women are happy being big. Me? I'm miserable! But for a long time, it's been my protection, my shield.

Things are changing folks. I've been thinking about this for a couple of years and after I was granted the order of protection against the "sperm donor" - I realized that I am FREEEEEEEE to be the best MB I want to be! He can't be around me. He can't threaten me or my child. He is out of my stinking life (with the exception of 9 hours with Shelby every other weekend) until January 2011! WOOO HOOOOOO! I've got a plan. I've only shared it with a few people because, well, it's personal and MINE. My plan seems to be coming together and after seeing the picture of myself today, it was a slap in the face! UGH!

So here is the plan (big picture, not details): I'm going to have weight loss surgery. No, I do not weigh 300 pounds (I weigh 216), and my bmi is about 40 - which is VERY BAD. I also have co-morbidities (contributing factors) which affect my health. They are: sleep apnea, asthma and GERD so severe that I have had Barrett's Esophagus for the last 6 years. My paternal Grandfather died from esophageal cancer, and Barrett's is dysplasia of the cells (which is a pre-cursor to cancer). I do NOT need a 3rd cancer. I've survived Stage III Cervical Cancer and Stage I Liposarcoma. That is enough for me, thank you very much!

Originally, I wanted the lapband surgery. Then, I met with the surgeon and discussed all my GERD issues and he explained that things would only get worse with the lapband. So that option was taken off the table right away. So, it took a little while for me to think about it, but I've decided to have the gastric bypass surgery. It's a huge decision. I have been talking to people who had the surgery already and attend support group meetings as well as individual therapy sessions. I know that this will be an entire lifestyle change. But, you know what? I am so fricking ready for it! To meet insurance requirements, I've been under a "medically managed weight loss program" with my doctor for the last 5 months. October 9th will mark my last visit with her. She will then write a letter to my insurance along with a bunch of other paperwork and then, I may have surgery (laproscopic) by early November! In the meantime, I have my next checkup with my oncologist at Northwestern on October 6th. Liposarcoma is CANCER OF THE FAT CELLS. Funny, huh? Too bad a bunch of liposuction wouldn't cure me, huh? Liposarcoma is going to be in my life until I die. It is not something that I will ever stop seeing the doctor for. Which sucks! But, being able to walk around Chicago without having to sit and catch my breath every 10 minutes, will be SO worth it!

Okay, that's a lot to write and say all at once. But, I thought it was probably time for me to share my "secret".

I've already gotten a two-page letter from a "well-meaning" person about all the horrible things that could happen and how the surgery didn't work for that person, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, this person ended up "projecting" their feelings about themself onto me.

I understand you, my friends, will be concerned. Feel free to ask questions. Feel free to give me lots of love & support! Just know, Shelby and I are ready for this! We are ready to start this new, healthy, energetic and happy phase of our lives!

Love to you all!

:) xo xo mb

Comments

  1. Good for you! Way to take the bull by the horns!! Best of luck with it all. I can't wait to read future entries here about all the success you are having with it. Woo HOO!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mary Beth,

    You do realize that for some it is considered "The easy way out." Or you are a "quitter." Or you lack the fortitude to do this with hard work and will... or, or, or...

    Remember that this is a tool that you need to work with on a daily basis. That means that you will consider every bite you take will have a benefit/consequence as a result.

    A couple of things from being on this side of the surgery. First, there are foods that you may never be able to eat again. They might cause dumping/puking and make your life miserable. Do not worry. There are other things out there that when you eat them you will wonder "How did I not love this before?" Trust me, I will cook for you when it is said and done.

    Address your personal issues as much as you will allow. Things I have learned about getting smaller is that having people closer to me was initially uncomfortable. That said I now have friends that cuddle with me and are not afraid to be close to me. Try to get used to that idea for yourself. Human contact (without the expectation of anything else) is a necessity. We need that.

    When it comes to the surgical date, you know what I will do. Just give me the date and I will act.

    -f

    ReplyDelete
  3. MaryBeth:
    Having WLS was one of the best decisions I have ever made. If there is anything I can do to help you as you navigate through the pre-op and newly post-op waters, please let me know.
    As a former Chicagoan, where are you having surgery? I grew up far South Side - Little Company of Money, I mean, Mary.
    Congrats to you and sending you many prayers and well wishes.
    -Megan

    ReplyDelete
  4. Tell the person who wrote you that letter to, ahem, FUCK OFF! They have no idea how the surgery will work for YOU, nor do they know what really went "awry" with the person they wrote you the letter about.
    There are ways to out-eat the surgery. It happens. Many high calorie bevs can do it - think alcohol. Stay away from it. It does more harm than good.
    :) Love to you and a rosounding middle finger to the jackhole who wrote you the letter.
    -Megan

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you Fred & Megan!
    Megan, ask Fred who wrote to me. I don't think it would be very nice of me to publish who that person is. All I can say is that person hasn't seen or spoken to me since Shelby was a baby (she's 11 1/2 now) and doesn't know crap about me. Initially it hurt. Then, I talked it out with my therapist and friends and the consensus was what you said ;o)~
    My surgery will be at Centegra Memorial Medical Center in Woodstock IL (think almost WI). Dr. Heydari and his bariatric center have received the center of excellence rating and I haven't spoken with one doctor, patient or bystander who can say anything bad about him! He's nice to look at too! A bonus! He actually was the person who "installed" my step-father's feeding tube 12+ years ago when he was going through treatment for cancer. He passed when Shelby was 2 weeks old, but my mom had only wonderful things to say when I told her Heydari was the surgeon!
    I do not drink, ever, so that's a bonus for me. I drink water and iced tea. I'll be cutting out my chocolate milk. But having my health and figure back will make up for that!!!
    Oh, did Fred tell you he's coming to be my personal nurse when I have my surgery? tee hee! It'll be the first time I've seen him in 24(ish) years and about 100+ pounds! YIKES! Thank goodness he loves me for what's on the inside ;o)~ Oh and being around the crazy, hormonal tween Shelby will give him a peek into what's to come with G! It'll be fun for everyone!
    Thanks again & love right back atcha!!!
    :) xo mb

    ReplyDelete

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