Scanxiety....

What is scanxiety?  It's the anxious, nervous, stressed out feeling that creeps up before scan time.  I used to have to go in for a long MRI & chest x-ray every three months, then after three years I graduated to every six months for the last two years.  Tomorrow I am going to Chicago (Northwestern Memorial) for my MRI & chest x-ray.  I get the results on the 12th and if everything goes well, I should be bumped out to ANNUAL check-ups! 

I had this idea in my head of how this checkup would be so different because I had someone special in my life who would hold my hand and celebrate with me.  But, he's gone away, right before the big test, and for good as far as I can tell.  I thought I had finally met Mr. Right.  The man of my dreams (okay, he snored loudly and was human), but he was my goofy man, and he made me laugh and feel safe.  This was going to be the year that we would be together and things would finally come together and the birds would sing and sun would shine... blah blah blah... So yeah, that's not gonna happen.  I get it.  Still wish things were different.  

I've done so much on my own.  Stood up against my abusers.  Virtually raised myself.  Lived in my car for a brief time.  Fought cancer TWICE.  Bought my house on my own.  Raising my child alone.  Taking responsibility for making sure my mom is safe.  Fighting an abusive ex who is over $16,000 behind in child support and his crazy mother.  I'm tired.  I've always relied on Mary Beth.  Only Mary Beth.  Can't expect anyone to fight next to me or on my behalf. 42 years.  Pretty much all alone.  Then, I met someone who made me smile and open up my heart.  He made me feel lovable and worthy.  I let my guard down.  I loved him.  First time I have loved a man, allowed myself to be vulnerable in I couldn't tell you how long. 

Then poof! He's gone.  It's been almost 5 weeks.  No contact.  I'm not expecting any contact.  He left stuff here that I would imagine if he wanted them, he'd contact me.  He hasn't.  So either he feels that horrible for walking away that he'll just deal with it OR he was really just playing me for a fool. 

I am going to be MB and think higher of him.  I'm trying to not be bitter or angry.  His wife died 11 (2000 I believe) years ago from lung cancer.  He was 29 with a 6 year old and 11 year old step-child.  There were only 2-3 months between her diagnosis and her passing.  I can't even imagine how that felt.  I know that is not what he envisioned happening in his life.  Who would?  After that, he dated some pretty horrible people.  I mean, nasty women.  It was probably for the best.  I've been there, date a loser, you won't be disappointed, right?!  Then he meets me, I'm fricking awesome.  I bring back all those feelings that he felt with his wife and I'm a cancer survivor.  What an awesome combo huh?   So the anniversary of her death was coming up and I ask him to come with me for my tests.  Maybe it was too much.  I don't know.  I am not excusing his behavior at all.  He could've told me what was wrong and that would've been better than what he did.  I don't know if he'll ever talk to me again. 

I am feeling selfish right now.  I wish that I had someone to hold my hand and kiss my forehead and be my cheerleader.  I want to hear "I could look at your face forever" again. 

I want good stuff.

Especially now.

I want to feel adored.

I want to feel desired.

I want to feel loved.

I deserve it.

Okay, before you say anything, I know I am loved.  I've got awesome friends who love & support me.  This is different and you know it.  It's like someone saying "but you  have Shelby" - oh really? Shelby has me!  I'm her mother.  It's my job to take care of her, love her, comfort her, nuture her.  Not the other way around. 

I want a partner to stand beside me.  To bounce things off of.  Who will tell me I'm beautiful when I really look like shit, because that is what I need to hear and he sees beauty in me always.  I will be his champion, his partner, his cheerleader, his everything.  I'll also probably be a huge pain in his ass, but pain he's willing to deal with because of my awesomeness (and I will put up with him being an ass at times too!)

I want someone who is going to stick next to me when things are tough and running the other way seems easier.  I want someone who knows my worth and I his...

I thought I had found him.  Maybe it was bad timing or I'm getting closer to the right person???? I don't know.  I do know that I'm really tired of going at this alone.  I'm ready to share, everything.

Am I a big dreamer?  Is it too late? 

In the meantime, tomorrow, Chicago, MRI, x-ray & wandering with two tweens (yikes)!

Here are a couple of pictures from last night, Shelby & I picked up her new glasses and then had dinner at Chili's!  I am in trouble with her, she'll be 13 in 13 days!  Any suggestions on ways to keep the boys away??????




Despite all the challenges in my life, I do know that I am blessed.
Love & blessings my friends!!!

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