Trying to get out of this rut...

I’ve been speechless… No really.

There has been so much going on, that I can barely think. Court with sd (for those not in the know that stands for sperm donor) is almost unbearable. I got a bill from my attorney that almost caused me to have a stroke. I promised Shelby I would follow through so I am. This is about her, not me. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now.

Work is busy. I am grateful for my job and the fact that I’ve got more than enough work to do, so I am working overtime. Another reason that I can barely think, I’m working a lot.

Dating. Hah! With all the shit going on in my life, what man would want to deal with me? I didn’t date for years because I was so afraid of sd, and now I’m feeling more empowered and he’s still making my life miserable because he’s trying to drain me emotionally, financially, mentally, in any way possible. He is not thinking about Shelby, but “beating” me. Of course, he’s not paying for the attorney, his mother is. Wait, I said I wasn’t going to talk about court. See what is on my mind all the time? I really hope that things get resolved soon. For my sweet Shelby’s sake. This is hurting her more than he or his mother will ever imagine, and she is old enough to see through all the shit.

Back to dating. It’s not happening. Oh, there are funny stories though. One guy seems to think that he knows what I need and had been sending me emails filled with advice. I always responded thanking him and he’d just keep telling me what to do. Not sure why. Weird and sweet at the same time. Other guys just contact me because I’m local & apparently they think I’ll go meet them without knowing anything about them (no really, I don’t even know his name, but “let’s hang out!” Um, no!) I’d say about 95% of the men see the picture and don’t even bother reading my profile. Because if they did, well, they’d have answers to many of their questions and wouldn’t be so surprised to find out I don’t drink, and I can, in fact spell and use proper grammar to mention just a couple of things. I made my profile unsearchable for now.

I am still so broken hearted from Bill’s sudden disappearance. I hate that we both miss him so much. There are so many unanswered questions and while we really do deserve answers, it’s been 5 months and no contact. I sure hope I can let him go for good, because this lingering sadness sucks! I know that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved unconditionally. I know all that. If only it were that easy.

I’m eating a lot more than I should. I had gastric bypass surgery 19 months ago, lost over 80 pounds and now I’m eating when I’m full. I can’t do this anymore. This summer has been SO hot that I haven’t been able to take walks over lunch. Anyone who doubts there’s some truth to global warming hasn’t walked outside this summer, that’s for sure. The weather is supposed to cool down this week. I am really hoping that I can fit in some walking, I need it! I’ve gained 5-8 pounds, not a lot, but enough to make me feel gross. I have no idea if anyone can tell. Probably not. I don’t want food to be my lover anymore. I can’t believe how easy it has been for me to fall back into this. Even with all the bad stuff going on in my life.

I’m disappointed in myself. I want to scream & yell and throw a tantrum about how shitty my life has been lately. But who the fuck is going to listen? Seriously?! Everyone has their own shit going on in their lives Mary Beth! Yes, I know. But having that cheerleader for a short time, someone who would text me and back me up. Someone who showed my sweet girl how a real dad behaves… Okay, except for the leaving part! I hate this. I hate not knowing why he walked away. We loved him so much.

So yeah, maybe not thinking is sometimes okay. But really, I’m not not thinking. I’m thinking. All the time. About everything. Thinking about why. Thinking about when. Thinking about what if. Thinking about where. Thinking about who or is it whom??? Thinking about everything.

Okay, so yeah, life is pretty rough right now. But there is plenty of gratitude in my heart. No really, there is!!

I am so grateful for:
• Shelby
• My friends
• My awesome job
• School starts in 10 days (woot woot!)
• Shelby has had a pretty darned good summer :-)
• Central air
• Indoor plumbing
• Realizing that I am eating for emotional/wrong reasons
• I am alive
• Having a clean windshield (just cleaned the inside tonight!)
• Therapy
• DVRs
• OnDemand (yes, I’ve been watching a lot of TV, it’s an escape)

I’m tired. I have to figure out what my next step(s) will be. First, I need to get some rest before work tomorrow.

Thank you, my friends, for being there for me. For reading my ramblings. For loving me when I am most definitely feeling unlovable. For reminding me that I am pretty amazing (oh yeah, I said it!)

I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH!!!

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