Patience is a virtue & good things come to those who wait right????
Have you ever thought “Is this shit storm ever going to end????” Yeah, me too. Too many times to count.
I know I’ve written about my childhood before. One of the things that was shoved down my throat was that saying “I love you” is overrated… Of course, being “mature” I know that it is very important to express your love and your feelings in general and not stuff them. Those of you, who know me well, know that the pendulum has gone to both extremes. I think I’m pretty even keeled right now, despite the “Is this shit storm ever going to end?” question repeating itself.
Where to start, hmmmmm…
My last post was about being stuck, questioning whether I even wanted to move on or let go of the love I felt for Bill. Bill was the first man who made me laugh hysterically, feel safe and showed Shelby what a father is supposed to be. I can’t forget that Bill also just fell off the face of the earth with no warning, when things were going fantastically. I had this theory. Some of my friends don’t like it, or maybe it’s that they think it’s not a good reason for what happened. Growing up, I never felt worthy (perhaps the whole “I love you” thing had a little to do with it). Oh and the fact that I was told over and over that I ruined lives by existing. Yeah, I did it on purpose!! I know what it’s like to have someone GOOD in my life and to run the opposite way as quickly as possible. It wasn’t the other person, it was ME. I didn’t feel worthy. Funny, when sd told Shelby that he was going to kill me & she could watch, that day I finally took stock and stood up for both of us. Then the gastric bypass and even before that I started seeing a therapist. I finally started to feel worthy! Yay me!!!!
Over the last six months, I’ve been slightly obsessed with trying to figure out what the hell happened with Bill. To this day, I still feel that he is my forever and I am his. One day, it hit me, worthiness. He didn’t feel worthy. Not to tell his story, but he was dealt a pretty rough hand. He has spent his life living for everyone else and trying to please everyone else. His last “relationship” was a joke. I get angry just thinking about how poorly she treated him (and still does, since they share a child). Shelby has asked many times, why Bill left US and one day I had a “moment of clarity” and explained to her that maybe he didn’t feel worthy. Maybe, the love we gave him overwhelmed him to a point of terror (no matter how crazy that sounds – I do understand it!)
So a few weeks ago, I wrote him an email. I told him my theory. I told him that he is worthy and that even if I am not the one that inspires him to walk through his fears, that I hope that he meets someone who does. Because he deserves it. I love him. I haven’t stopped loving him. I know that my friends are so worried about me. I also know several people who have gone through “breaks” in relationships that only brought them closer to their partner. The ultimate goal was to tell him that I loved him, that he is worthy and that I wish him love and happiness.
He responded in 7 minutes! Six months, and then 7 minutes! Later that evening, I got an email from him telling me that my theory was right. That he fucked up. That he’s terrified that my friends threats of shooting him were true, and that he never wanted to hurt us. We emailed back & forth. Then nothing for a week. I am a talker. I want to talk things through. I HATE the silent treatment, even if it’s not the silent treatment and just that the other person is processing things. So yeah, I have a little issue with wanting instant gratification. What? I’m not saying it’s good, I am owning it!
I wrote again. Telling him how I still love him and that I believed that it’d be crazy for us to have been put in each other’s lives, experience such happiness & love only for us to be apart. Romantic notion? I don’t think so, but I’ve been wrong in my life, many times. My heart tells me differently.
I had dinner with Bill on Monday. I asked him what he wanted. He said not to start over but to pick up where we left off. He apologized to me & Shelby. I felt like all was right with the world, like I was HOME. Then he had to go home because he’s going to school full time now.
Here I am. Four days later. Still trusting my heart & gut that I have found my forever in Bill and wishing our lives weren’t so fricking hectic busy!! My mantras are “only time will tell” and “breathe”…
Court has been HELL! At the last court date, sd LIED (I know, shocking) and said he hadn’t seen Shelby in the month of April, which was bs. Then it was that I refused to let her spend the weekend and he may have seen her but not the weekend I said. Shelby wasn’t there and the judge wouldn’t allow me to go across the street to get her from school (so she could tell the judge exactly when she saw sd in April). So I was found in contempt. Yes. I could’ve gone to jail that day! Luckily the judge set my “sentencing” for 9/21 (next week!) He also ORDERED Shelby to have three evening visitations with sd under his mother’s supervision. I won’t get into details, but suffice to say that Shelby was extremely angry with the judge and is more determined than ever to make sure the judge knows exactly what she wants.
This whole thing with sd is another thing that makes me question “good things come to those who wait”, karma and “patience is a virtue”. I question. I still hope that it is true. It also brings me back to Bill. There is no way that he was brought into our lives to open our hearts & fill our lives with such love and laughter only to be taken away. I KNOW that neither me, Shelby or Bill deserves that.
I am now feeling a little scatter-brained, so perhaps I’ll stop before I stop making any sense… Or is it too late? :)
Please, pray for swift and just resolution to our court battle. It has dragged on too long and we need to get on with our lives.
I am going to continue to believe that saying “I love you” is not only important, but necessary. I’m also going to practice patience and repeat my mantras, over and over and over… Because I can. Because I love. Because I believe in love and forever.
Thanks for reading my ramblings!!!
Love & blessings my friends!!!