Has it really been six months????

Random thoughts running through my mind over, and over, and over…

  • Stop the madness!
  • How the heck do I do this, alone, and not give up?
  • I’m really tired
  • Will I ever have someone who wants to hold my hand through all the good and bad stuff?  No, not my kid, a partner, a companion, a lover, a best friend all in one.
  • I have MAJOR body issues.  Even after the gastric bypass surgery.
  • Why is the state of Illinois so fucked up with regard to family law, and oh DUI laws? 
  • Why does sd & his mother hurt my sweet girl every chance they get?  Do they not understand that she is 15 and SEES this?  Fucking assholes.
  • How can any parent do absolutely nothing to support a child (financially, emotionally or otherwise) and look in the mirror every day?
  • Does my kid realize how much I love her? Okay, I guess I know the answer to this one… Still on bad days, I worry.
  • Why do liars and cheaters seem to get away with so much and all the time? 
  • Why the hell do I care about bad people?  Because while I try to believe in karma, I honestly don’t know if it will happen.
  • Why don’t people flush the toilet at work?  Seriously, you just went to the bathroom, FLUSH THE FRICKING TOILET!

I don’t know what to say, there is so much going on in my little itty bitty brain! 

I’m lonely.  Incredibly lonely.  Shelby is growing up.  I have spent 15 years doing everything I can for her and now she really doesn’t need me (except for food, shelter, clothing, money, rides, etc.)  I lived all those years, in fear of sd, and had no life outside of being Mommy.  My time with Bill was not ideal, but it was nice, very nice to have someone around, to cuddle, to love… I know he didn’t love me the way I deserve, but I miss it still.  Having someone to hug. Not Shelby.  Not my friends. Not the damned dogs.  A man, who looks at me and sees me for exactly who I am and still wants to be with me.  I know, I know, it was not that way on Bill’s side, but I thought it was.  I felt worthy.  I felt that there was a future, beyond being mommy & fighting constantly in family court.  I thought I could see happiness with someone else, just around the corner.

When I had my radical resection (read: HUGE surgery) for my Liposarcoma,  I had no one. I had to take the fricking train then a cab to the hospital to get my drain removed after 2 weeks, not because it was time, but for my mental health.  You’d think, cancer, people would be tripping over themselves to help me out.  Don’t get me wrong.  I got emails, cards, but there wasn’t anyone who showed up and said “what can I do to help?” or even just jump in and do it.  I know I am loved.  Back then, not as loved as maybe now.  Not as worthy as maybe now?  Who knows. I just know that I would never, ever want anyone to go through what I went through alone.  There were a few times friends came with me for my 3-6 month checkups, which meant a lot.  But I know, they’d rather have been elsewhere.  Cancer fucking sucks.  I mean, really, fuck you cancer!  I understand, no one wants to be reminded of their mortality, but I’m telling you, if someone you care about has cancer DO SOMETHING!  Make them food, run errands for them, take their kids out, send them silly cards, LET THEM KNOW YOU CARE! 

For years, I thought I would go to a sperm bank and have another child.  Shelby had specifically ordered a brown brother or sister.  Very cute, but then cancer came along.  

Then, I finally decided I couldn’t lose all the weight I had gained – hating myself, and my situation, and eating my fears.  Food was my one and only love for so many years.  So, I had gastric bypass surgery.  Damn I looked good!  Except, there’s still all this extra stuff. Skin.  Shelby thought it was fun and would jiggle it. I was okay because I was a SIZE 4-6!  I mean HELLOOOOOO! I met someone who I loved very much.  I think he thought I was sexy (despite the jiggly bits).  But then there were times when he’d disappear.  I’d eat.  I have had some re-gain, about 15 pounds.  I know, it’s not HORRIBLE, but it’s enough to make me not want to try on clothes, not want to go out without my spanx and even then, good God, my skin is way too big for my body & I just look lumpy!  It’s been over three years.  The skin isn’t gonna snap back.  It’s not going to tighten up.  I really don’t know if I want the surgery to remove it.  Have I not been through enough? Seriously, I’ve been crying Uncle for years now.   

Yesterday was what my boss calls a “Hallmark Holiday” but I got gifts.  My friend Heidi took a picture of me, it was a nice picture, except all I can see is that my rolls of skin are visible.  If I gross myself out, what do others see when they look at me?  Here’s the picture:

And my boobs are falling out of my bra, what the hell MB???

I’m in a size 8 right now.  No, that’s pretty good, I know.  Intellectually, logically I get it.  But all I see is the flab that if it weren’t there, would look SO much better.  And then, the best of the best men would flock to me, around me, pursue me… how? I have no fucking idea!  I know it’s ridiculous!

Have you seen the latest Dove video, about how women see themselves vs. how complete strangers see them?  If not, here is the link to that, get your tissues ready:

So, court was a mess.  I signed away ALL of the child support sd owed, including medical expenses, in exchange for them to stop trying to claim I denied visitation (which I never did, he told our child he was going to kill me, did he think she’d forget?!)  Plus all those DUIs.  Oh well, that was January. He’s supposed to be proving that he’s looking for a job.  He hasn’t.  I didn’t expect him to.  I don’t think Shelby expects him to either.  She did however hope that he was really trying to stay sober.  He isn’t and I know that breaks her heart.  He has pushed her so far away, I don’t know if there is a chance that she will ever let him in.  Sadly, she is court ordered to spend 4 hours with him every other Saturday and 1.5 hours once a week after school.  Even sadder, she goes because she was informed that I would go to jail if she didn’t.  Awesome huh? Of course, he can’t drive, so his mother does.  They have already forgotten her twice (since the end of January).  Her birthday was the 14th.  They have yet to do anything for her birthday or give her even a card.  I have to keep my mouth shut.  I have to stay on higher ground.  I have to keep my side of the street clean.  I hate it, but I do it.  Because, I don’t want to influence her feelings in any way.  I want her to make her own decisions and opinions based on her experiences, not mine.

Since court, I have signed Shelby up for DRIVER’S EDUCATION! O M G!!!!  Through a private company because the school offers to the older, upper classmen first. I need her to have her license when she turns 16 because then she will be safe to leave sd’s house if she feels uncomfortable. She won’t have to wait for me to drive all the way from work to pick her up at 7 at night, and heck, she’ll be doing the grocery shopping and running errands as long as it doesn’t interfere with her grades of course!  Her first class is May 7th.  Shelby asked sd’s mother to please drive her to the classes.  Apparently she is too busy (this is when I wonder if karma is really real, she’s 72 and has lots of money, plenty of time, but can’t drive her grandchild to a class for a few weeks?) So, I’m going to pay someone local if I have to.  I am working my ass off to pay off my legal bills and then, as soon as they’re paid off guess what? I have to buy another car (used, but still).  And then there is the insurance. 

God, this is awful, I am just whining and whining and whining.  I’m not trying to be ungrateful.  I will express my gratitude later, I promise!  I feel like there has been nothing but drama over the last two+ years and honestly, I am still spinning.  I have no self confidence (duh!) I try to ask friends to hang out but come on, we’re old and have families! Plus, I don’t drink, so my definition of fun is different than theirs.  I honestly don’t know what is fun.  I have some ideas.  Like, working in the yard.  Painting the inside of the house.  I need to replace the flooring, but that costs money & will have to wait.  I’d like someone or a few people to do it with.  To keep me company.  Help me, motivate me. I got the damned trees cut down, now the neighbor’s pool has full sun and my car won’t have sap all over it (nor will any other cars in my driveway!!)  The flower beds need to be re-done, the garage is a mess and needs work.  

I don't want do it alone.  Why am I alone?  Did I do this to myself?  Maybe I’m not meant to be coupled up.  But if that is the case, why in the hell am I so lonely?  Why the hell do I miss cuddling and affection and a warm body next to me at night?  I have never been married.  I said I wouldn’t settle!  Did I miss something/someone? 

This is what the hell is going on in my brain.  I told someone it’s like the thing at the drycleaners, they push the button and the clothes go around and around…. Those are my thoughts, but I have no stop/off button! 

Oh what else?  Oh jeesh, work, busy, and a little scary, lots of layoffs. Not huge, but you know when they’re coming. 

Still love our church and really enjoy going every Sunday.  Rev. Sean Parker Dennison always has just the right message for me each week.  Does he read my mind???? Hmmmmm….

The bombings, explosions, flooding, shootings are just too much. Can you say information overload?!  The mom in me can’t help but be crushed by the hatred and sadness.  I want to fix it. I want to make everything right.  Provide justice (that’s the Libra in me).  And, I can’t!

Holy shit, what a brain dump huh?  Hopefully it’ll make room for more positive, important stuff!

Now for some gratitude!!!!
  • I have a 15-year-old, fantastically, hilarious, moody, loving daughter who is my heart!
  • A great job & co-workers
  • Friends, without whom, I don’t know how I’d survive this shitstorm.  Thank you so much, I love you!
  • Indoor plumbing
  • Good hair
  • I am alive!
  • Laughter
  • Having the option to start my day over whenever I need to
  • Raising a confident, self reliant, strong, articulate, protective young woman – I am incredibly proud!
  • The sun is shining today!
  • One more year NED (that is SEVEN years total!)
  • Wilbur & Coco
  • Finding friends I would’ve never met without the amahhhhhzing Facebook
  • Knowing, deep down, that no matter what comes up, I/we will get through it. That is the only choice!  No giving up, ever!
  • Hope
  • Faith
  • Love
  • Karma
  • Pretty things
  • Iced tea
  • Soup
  • Pea pods
  • Bedazzled cups
  • Beautiful sunrises on the way to work
  • Gorgeous sunsets on the way home every night

Ahhhhhh, I think I might feel a little lighter.  Thank you for listening (reading)!

Wishing you happiness, shelter, grace, peace, hope, love & many blessings!!!


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