Obsessive thinking on May 31st...

Disclaimer: This post is not directed toward a specific person or persons. This is just shit that plays in my obsessive thinking pea brain and I’m hoping writing it down will alleviate some of the pressure and make room for more rainbows & unicorns!

Random thoughts that have been running through my mind lately:

When someone says “What a fucking shit day” – it isn’t always a cry for help or counseling or pity. Sometimes it’s just because it’s been a fucking shit day!

Never assume that everyone grew up in the same loving or unloving, healthy or unhealthy, supportive or unsupportive environment as you.  I know this may sound silly. Okay, it probably does!  Some days I want to punch people in the face (not really, but I do get frustrated) when they pull the “your child will appreciate you when she is older, like you do your parents” advice.  Really? This is going to sound really crass, but I’m going to say it.  I was told repeatedly for as long as I can remember that I ruined my parents lives.  I was hit, screamed at, belittled and molested.  I do NOT appreciate my parents for who they are.  I am who I am despite all of my experiences and I learned how NOT to be from them, and because of that I say you are wrong.  She will not appreciate me like I appreciate my parents.   At least, I sure as shit hope she doesn’t!  I wish that my childhood was filled with more good experiences than bad, but honestly, it was pretty crappy.  Sometimes it's hard to "pretend" and say "oh yeah, you're right!" or agree with someone who says "our parents lived through it" without thinking "but I almost didn't". Each of us has some crazy in our lives.  But each of our experiences is unique, like snowflakes… oh you know what I mean (I hope).  

I am not discounting anyone's experience or implying that other experiences are less impactful.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  Sometimes though, I can't respond because I don't have the bandwidth to respond in a way that would be acceptable or reasonable.  I am human and after fucking up many times, make the choice to say  nothing instead of fucking up :)

You are so lucky you are single/never married sd/don’t have a partner to “answer to”… HAH!   The grass is always greener, isn’t it?  While I was never married to sd and actually never lived with him but for a couple of months early in my pregnancy, I have had to deal with him as though he were my husband or ex-husband all these years.  My bank accounts have been attacked (yes, in IL if you have a job and the other parent doesn’t they can take your money, even if you are the sole supporter of the child).  Being single hasn’t been my choice; it is out of fear and having absolutely no self worth.  I mean, being told you don’t deserve to be happy or with someone over and over, you eventually believe it.  As for not having someone to answer to, ask my friends, poor suckers have to listen to me go on and on when I have something on my mind.  I don’t have another adult in my life (that I don’t pay to listen to me) who is there to support me at the end of the day, when things are rough, or just for a hug or a cuddle.  Yes, I understand that not every partnership is happy and filled with unicorns and rainbows.  There is a choice you can make to end horrible relationships too.  I walked out of a nice rental home, in secret, to save myself & my unborn child.  I’ve been fighting ever since.

When you hear another person’s story, don’t doubt it.  I mean, there are asshole liars out there, but questioning someone’s life experience is ignorant and rude.  I know people have questioned all the court shit with sd.  I wish I was making it all up!  I could write a book on my life and I bet people wouldn’t believe it.  Of course, it wouldn’t be as good as “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey – but that was a lie.  I would never claim to have any teeth pulled without MAJOR sedation LOL!

I don’t drink.  That means I don’t drink.   Why?  Because my family history is filled with addicts and I made the choice many years ago to not tempt fate (or genetics).  In my teens, I had consumed a little bit of alcohol and thankfully I didn’t like it.  I like to be in control of my faculties.  I appreciate being PRESENT for my life, good and bad.  Repeatedly suggesting having a drink will loosen me up is just stupid.  No means no, and thank you very much!

As Dr. Maya Angelou says “When people show you who they are, believe them” or as Oprah says “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” I loved someone who said to me “Don’t ever expect me to kiss you goodbye, I never did that with my ex”… I thought that’s because she wasn’t me.  “I’m a handful” – sure you are! “I’m a big pain in the ass” – not to me, how could you be?!  “I hate fags!” “I am very selfish” and so on.   Believe them!  Watch what they DO! 

I am me.  I am a “what you see is what you get” girl.  I tell you what is on my mind.  There is never a question about how I feel about you and if you do question my feelings, all you have to do is ask me.  I will answer honestly.  I am very affectionate & expressive to everyone in my life (whom I care about).  I suppose that stems from a thirst inside me, for honesty and acceptance and unconditional love.

You never know someone’s whole story. Not. Ever.  Not even after being married 50 years. There is always something. Maybe she thought it wasn’t important to share, or he thought it would make her stop loving him, or there is some type of shame or stigma attached to whatever it is.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone has secrets.  Everyone has baggage.  The older we get, the more baggage we have.  If you don’t think so, you are fooling yourself.

I still ache for another child. As far as I know, all my parts are working still (probably not for much longer), but I made a choice to not have another child because of what I went through with sd AND because I wanted Shelby to have the best life I could provide her.  Having another child would have completely changed the kind of parent I was, what I could do for them financially, even how other people looked at me.  I already have an ex who just by the sight of him, or even the way I or Shelby react to questioning about him (fear, disgust, sadness, terror) drives potential partners away almost immediately.  What the hell would people think if I had another child with another man, or via sperm donor?  I know we’re not supposed to think about that or worry what others think, but let’s keep it real folks.  We do care what people think about us.  Even people we don’t especially like, we care about their opinions.  Heck, I have opinions that when I think about them, piss me off. Who am I to judge, right?  I am human, I am fallible, and sadly, I have judged others (even if just in my little pea brain). 

I really do want to have someone to share my life with.  A grown up.  A real live man.  He can even have feelings!  I mean, what more could a guy want?  LOL!  I know relationships take work.  I’m hoping that someday, I will meet a man who will take me as I am and love me, even the annoying parts of me (there are only a few hehehe) and I him.  I also know that the older we get the more set in our ways we get.  So, I’ve decided to take a step back. 

I am going to shift my focus to ME (where it should’ve been all these years, but no one told me that!) I’m going to work on my self  esteem, my yard, my relationship with myself and with Shelby, my house, my body issues, my health… I am going to figure out what this thing called FUN is!  Yes, I can laugh.  In fact, I am incredibly funny, just ask me! That doesn’t mean I know how to have fun.  I am not going to go to the bar.  I am nearly 45 and don’t drink.  I am related to a shit ton of addicts and don’t need to even tempt attracting one… I know, I know, not everyone at a bar is a drunk.  Here’s the deal, if your Facebook posts consist of statements like “I need a drink” or “it’s beer-thirty” not just a couple of times a year, but on a regular basis, I’m not the person to hang out with.  I can’t stand drunk people for long.  Maybe an hour and then I’m out.  Now, ask me to dinner, or to a sporting event (I’m not “sporty” but anything live that I can cheer for, I’m game… wait, not boxing or MMA fighting), or a walk in the park, or a day trip to the city or to a play…. THAT IS ME.  Oh wait, a museum, the Art Institute, to look at pretty things.  I’d like someone who would do that with me.  Not all the time, but once in a while.  SOMEDAY!

Until then, I’m going to keep making silly, sad, thought provoking, gushing, disappointed, angry and absolutely hilarious posts on Facebook while I take care of me.  If I don’t elaborate, it is because I don’t want to or can’t.  If you are concerned or think something I said is not okay or cool, send me a private message.  I’ll let you know if it’s nunya (none of your business)!

Thank you for listening (reading).  Thank you for your concern!  Thank you for being you!

I LOVE YOU!