Women grieve, men replace...
Have you heard that saying before? I hadn't until today...
I was still hoping that he was taking time to take care of him so WE could be a WE.
Then, my curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to see pictures of the babies born into the family, how big the kids had grown and there it was... a picture of him and another woman. It's not new. He moved on months ago, like last year months ago, and he didn't even say a word. How is it that I loved him so much I let him go to work on himself and he couldn't even say "thanks but no thanks"?
I'm not expecting answers. I know logically I can't even hope for any. I have spent the last year hoping my Bill blanket would appear at my door and say "I'm back! I worked on my shit, I still have work to do, but let's do the rest together!" HOLY SHIT! Am I that fucking crazy! O M G!!!!
I have had crazy wonderful support. My friends, even when I know they want to smack me, say "I told you so" and shake their heads, have been there. Not everyone knows yet though. Not everyone knows that I've been holding on to this HOPE that we would be US again.
I can sit here and make a list of "signs" or "red flags". I can also make a list of OMG do you remember when stories. And the silly things that became habit: instead of myself we say my-felse. Instead of are you serious, are you cereal????? The dogs are finally NOT running to the window every time a loud car comes down the street.
I have put off grieving all this time, holding on to hope that I would look at those blue eyes again as he stroked my cheek. So now, I cry. I say the serenity prayer over and over and over. I have asked God, Buddha, Allah, Goddess, the blades of grass to please take this weight off my chest. I get it! He didn't want ME. My friends, they are so fucking awesome and say "He couldn't give you what you deserved" and "He couldn't handle the wonderfulness of you Mary Beth" and that is fantastic, but my heart it still broken. He is with someone else. Last time he disappeared he said "I will never date again, I could never hurt anyone the way I did you" and then we got back together. This time, I let him go. Because I love him. Because I knew that he needed to find his footing.
I don't know if he found his footing. I just know that within months of me saying "I love you so very much, I need to let you figure this out" he moved on with another woman. Yes, I saw a picture. She could be his sister. Blonde and blue eyes. Opposite of me. Maybe she's more carefree. Maybe she drinks and lets loose. Whatever she is, she is what he need/wants (in other words not me).
Last night, I dreamed for hours, Bill told me that he had finally found the perfect woman who he could love and show his love to and it wasn't me. How fucked up is that? I mean, I can't even sleep without it in my fucking head.
In my nearly 45 years, I have not settled! There was only one other man who I wanted to be an US with and that was over 20 years ago!
I am incredibly sad. I know that I will get through this, but really, did I need this fuckery and fuckification (new words)? Honestly, I don't think so. I don't need any more hurt or heartbreak or drama.
What I want, is happiness, contentment, kindness, acceptance, lots of love & laughter and someone to share it with.
God, Goddess, Allah, Buddha, blade of grass, love of friends, please help me find my way through this and to a better place. A place where I can accept all the good I deserve & give it right back & then some.
Wishing you peace and blessings my friends.