Where the hell have you been????

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing

So, it’s been 2 ½ years since my last post.  It has been terribly rough, confusing, overwhelming time with constant worry and anxiety.  Nice thing to say first post in so long, huh?

I think it’s going to be easiest to go through the years (probably not in perfect chronological order)…

  • Bill never came back and my heart still hurts.  Clearly I was not “the one” for him.  He started dating someone just a few months after I had asked him to look within to find what he wanted.  He’s married now.   My heart is still in pieces.
  • Things have always been a little chaotic in our little family, but this is when things started getting crazy.
  • Shelby had her appendix removed in September & Knee surgery in November

  • I dated someone for a short while, totally not my type.  I thought “maybe I need to look outside my comfort zone.”  That did NOT work out and finally I said no more, I don’t like you… He was oblivious to the strange things he did (not even going to go into what strange things – suffice it to say, things that I would never do.  Many, many things… kinda yucky).
  • Bought a “new to me” 2010 Toyota Corolla.  Shelby decided her name would be Lucille.
  • Found out in rapid succession that what I thought my child was doing, on so many fronts, was nowhere near reality.  Kick in the gut and heart and mind and soul.
  • Betsy (red car) was totaled in a 3-car crash, unfortunately, Shelby was car #3, so at fault.  Ticket was dropped because #2 driver didn’t appear, which was her choice.
  • Bought a replacement car with insurance money. It is also gone now (sold car to a very kind person).
  • From April 2014 through April 2015 – 7 (maybe 8) hospitalizations to address Shelby’s mental health and finally addiction (had been going on for years, and still brings tears to my eyes).  Last hospitalization was in residential rehab, after a suicide attempt on 12/15/14.  She had her gall bladder removed on 12/31/14.  She continued her residential stay at Timberline Knolls until the last week in January 2015. Worst holiday season ever. 
  •  Found a Psychiatrist and great counselor for Shelby.  She was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.
  • Painted the walls in the house (all but Shelby’s bedroom) over spring break!  First time I tried to make the house mine, since buying it in 2003!
  •  Another short stint in the behavioral health  adolescent unit in April.
  • Used the money from the sale of the 2nd 2005 Corolla and had laminate floors installed in hallways, living room & kitchen and porcelain tile in the entry way and bathroom and very cool looks like ceramic but it’s vinyl tile in the laundry room.
  • My abuser (my father) started sending me letters.  Under the guise of “amends” letters.  Yes, he actually made reference to abuse he had endured and a sexual addiction.  He is also battling cancer, and after 47 years 30+ of which I begged for him to be honest with my siblings and admit to everything he did to me.  I could NOT read any of the letters until I was in front of my therapist.  No, actually she read them to me.  I knew right away it was bullshit, trying to get into heaven (even his wife divorced him, she KNEW about the abuse and blamed me, after 30 years).  He even admitted to abusing others. THAT was the “nail in the coffin” and firmed my decision to NOT try to ever have any relationship with him.  I am terrified that he continued to abuse, people from church or friends of his boys.  Strangely, he wrote this long Christmas letter (not really new, maybe in the last 5 years) and mentioned Shelby and asked for prayers for her for her medical “issues”. HE HAS NO IDEA ABOUT ANYTHING WE’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH!  I wrote him and thanked him for his prayer request, and then corrected him on one piece of information (inference that she wouldn’t graduate, when she already had) and informed him that he cannot share any information about me or Shelby unless I tell him and give him permission (which will never happen).  I have no idea where he gets his information, but that was NUTS.  I have closed that chapter of my life.  He was a source of pain and terror for most of my life.  I had to let it go and move on.
  • Relapse in July (hindsight is 20/20) while she spent time at sd’s mom’s house – surprise!
  •  Shelby owned her slip, and restarted her sobriety clock.
  • Started seeing a psychiatrist because of my anxiety attacks and insomnia, bad stuff.  Had to try several meds, but am sleeping a bit better now, and have meds for my anxiety.
  • I had skipped my checkup with the oncologist because of all the stuff with Shelby.  When I went 6 months late, I was told I have a spot on a kidney & another on my pancreas. They are small and I have had many internal talks with them – they can stay small, no growing.  Cancer fucking sucks!
  • Wilbur, the best dog in the world, passed away on October 8, 2015.  Heart is still aching.
  • Adopted a spastic 3 year old crazy mix (Sharpei, Chihuahua & Cocker Spaniel were the mail breeds detected in a dna test – along with toy & terrier).  Her name is MochaLatte and she is a ball of never trained energy.
  • After all of the missed school, and realizing that she was over high school, she graduated on 12/18/15!

  • Started 2016 with working at the same company!  Shelby is an intern at my work.  We had agreed she would need to earn enough money to purchase and maintain her own car and insure it. 
  • Seriously didn’t think about the added stress that spending SO much time with each other would bring.  OMG, try fitting in a normal 10 hour day into exactly 8 hours because someone needs to be somewhere (meetings, dr appointment – all good, but really stressful for me).
  • Found out that the Child Tax Credit ends once your child is SEVENTEEN, not 18!  I owed the IRS for the first time in my lifetime!  And, it wasn’t just a few dollars.
  • Another week in-patient for Shelby.  Very proud that she spoke up and meds were adjusted and it was like a tune-up for her.  I had let my guard down, so the impact on me – well, I was quite freaked out, and felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck.
  • I started seeing a new therapist.  It is helping :-)
  • Shelby is going to meetings on a regular basis, and adding to them, which I think is great!
  • Amazingly (lol) sd has put forward zero effort to see Shelby.  Um, today is 13 days until her 18th birthday!
  • Shelby has been having what she’s been calling “stomach issues” - so that’s what I will say, for at least a year now, but as any teenager would, she wasn’t very forthcoming.  Seeing a doctor 4 days after she turns 18.  Already had an ultrasound this week, and it was normal (phew).

Any Questions?

Are you or have you dated?
  • Nope, not in two years.  Seriously, I can’t even find time or money to do something for me.  Who the hell wants to take all of the shit flying at me?  No one!
Any cool plans for Shelby?
  • She earned the money and just bought Lola, a 1997 Toyota Corolla and after spending a couple of days with the mechanic, Lola is in a SOLID state!
  • Beginning in June, Shelby will take an EMS class twice a week.
  • She wants a tattoo. Sometimes it’s to signify our bond, sometimes to honor me, sometimes to honor sobriety & mental health.  I promised that I would consider getting a small tattoo.  Soon we’ll go visit the artists we like and give them our ideas, let them come up with their own and figure out if we’ve got enough money (and pain tolerance) to get them.
  • If the EMS class goes well, she will then work on the classes required for her to proceed to the EMT program and then nursing program at the local Community College.
   How about you, MB.  Any plans?
  • I still have a LOT of medical bills to pay off, so no big expenses.
  • Trying to take care of ME – this is new!!!I have gained a bit of weight back, revision surgery isn’t approved by my insurance yet, but I have got to get moving, I am pretty miserable.
  • Yoga – I need to be able to afford buying a 25 session pass, so I can go whenever I can.  I need to work on my core and my God, I need to learn how to breathe again!
  • I need to say no, a lot more, to many people.  Including Shelby.  It is so hard, because I worry if I will cause a crisis.  Not realistic or true, but it’s my fear.
  • I want to like me.  I really don’t like me much.  I’m not going to feel better if I don’t take care of me.  There seems to be a theme here!
  • Find and afford doggie daycare for Coco & MochaLatte.  They need socialization and manners and time to play.
  • Make myself a priority.
  • Worry less
So that’s it in a BIG nutshell.

I need to put myself back together again, but I believe there are pieces that are missing forever.

It has been a roller coaster, inside a tornado, wrapped up in an erupting volcano and tied with a Tsunami bow. 

So many other things have happened – as a result of all of the crazy stuff – I was harassed and bullied online by people I thought were friends.  That is another piece that I don’t think I will find, but maybe I will create a new one that fits better.

I still hope that one day, someone special will come into my life and love me as I should be and me he.  I just do not see that happening anytime in the near future. 

I have skipped a lot.  I will not share many events because they are too painful.  I also don’t talk much to most people about any of my shit.  #1 because haters #2 talking about it just upsets me more.  I’ve got a therapist for that.

I hope you all are well and blessed and if you are experiencing a crazy roller coaster/stormy ride: I send to you thoughts filled with hope, love, strength & peace with a huge dash of backbone (mine is still developing).

Thank you for reading and your support!

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”

Love & Blessings


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