Are you tired? I am SO tired!
On May 18, 2018 Vivienne was born. You may have guessed that she's my granddaughter.
I have been raising her since birth. The hope was that her mom would get her shit together and it just hasn't happened yet. She is 2 and sassy as ever!
Um, raising a baby again, almost 50 - DON'T DO IT! I love her more than anything, but WOOOHEEE, it's a lot of work!
I took FMLA and 3 weeks after I returned to work, I was let go. 17 years gone in a minute.
Suffice it to say, 2018 SUCKED ASS!
2019 wasn't much better, actually I'd probably say it was even worse with the job situation, raising a baby, trying to hold on to some of my sanity.
I have realized that I really would like to have someone in my life. Someone to lean on. Someone to tap out to. Someone to TALK TO and LISTEN TO. Someone to love and who will love me. I have experienced the kind of loneliness that I would only wish on a hermit. I'm not a hermit. I'm a homebody. But I am a fucking lonely, life has been sucked out of me, I need someone to hold my hand and give me a break homebody. I can't say enough how serious I am. If you have someone to lean on, support you, support, love, please remember that you do and have in the rough times. Doing every fucking thing alone is shitty!
And here comes mother fucking 2020!
Got a job in March - YAY.
Global Pandemic!
Shut down for 2 1/2 months!
* gratitude, I continued working, only missed 2 days work to search for emergency daycare :)
Then the killing of George Floyd pushed everyone over their limit. Okay, not everyone. For some reason, some people do not think it's a big deal. BUT IT IS!
Then the protests, peaceful protests.
Then the fuckers who fucked everything up by inciting riots, violence, looting.
Then, we (most of we) collectively open our fucking eyes to our white privilege and how we need to get off our pedestals and start from the ground up on race relations. No bigger - HUMAN fucking RELATIONS.
We (I) can no longer be silent. I am a big mouth and have been known to get out of my car, raise my voice, intervene if something is wrong. But it's different now.
I have to STAND UP - always! I must SPEAK UP - always! I must SHOW GRACE - always! Okay, there's going to be a learning curve, I know.
Friends, I am a shell of a human. Drained of just about all of my emotional being. I have a little girl depending on me. And, I have no one. Rewind, I do have friends, even help from a group called Safe-Families.org beginning in October 2019 to host Vivi every other weekend. For them, I am forever grateful! Since March, it's me & Vivi. I pray her host family can restart visits, so I can get on top of my shit, my self care, the mess of my house, planting flowers, breathing, SLEEPING 2 nights without a toddler! I need it.
Rewind... I went on vacation (twice) in 2017 & 2018 to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. So thankful I could afford it then. 8 days by myself, twice. Worth it. Grateful to my friends Ashley & Clay who watched Vivi during what turned out to be a very difficult time for Ashley healthwise (I didn't forget and won't) <3
ANYWAY...
Back to 2020 - THE YEAR EVERYTHING CHANGES!
I know this has been a rambling post, but I had to say it (and I've got no one to say it to, plus a blog can't talk back, tell me what to do, or what I've done wrong, or make me feel even more like a failure).
I thank you for being you! Thank you for reading my crap post!
REMINDER - BE FUCKING KIND, TO EVERYONE. EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM! BE KIND! aka DON'T BE A DICK!
p.s. FUCK TRUMP
p.p.s. I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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