Wishing I felt stronger.

It is almost 1am on Tuesday. I am exhausted. I am nauseous. I am scared. I don't know why, but this is more than my usual pre-checkup anxiety. Maybe it's all snowballed into the last 24 hours instead of a little each day for 7-10 days prior. Who knows. All I know is I feel like I'm going to puke. My head is pounding. I don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm scared that he's going to tell me the cancer is back.

No, I have no reason to think it's back. But, 3 1/2 years ago, I went in for hernia surgery and woke up hearing them talk about "the mass" and two days later I was told that I had an extremely rare form of cancer.

This year has been hell. I'm just worn out. I have wonderful friends, but they have got lives of their own. My family, well, I can't depend on them or go to them with my fears or worries. I've had to carry all of this for so long, I just want a break. A break from drama. A break from cancer and the worry that goes along with it. A break from being so freaking lonely - even when I'm with a church full of people!

I know it's me. I know that I'm at a low point. It still stinks.

Tomorrow, I will put Shelby on the school bus and then I will get ready. I'll drive to Crystal Lake and get on the train to Chicago, alone. I will then catch a cab to the Robert H. Lurie Cancer Care Center at Northwestern and see my oncologist along with at least 1 and maybe even 3 med students, alone. It will all be routine. I will pretend everything is perfect. I may tell them that I've been feeling nauseous for about a week or so, depending on whether I remember at the moment. Dr. Wayne will (I hope) say see you in six months and then I'll catch a cab, then take the train back to Crystal Lake and then drive to Woodstock to cheer Shelby on in her final conference cross country meet. Alone. I've been alone a long time. I'm getting pretty darned tired of it.

I pray that I am just extra stressed and worried and that things go well tomorrow. I need good stuff. Please.

I am grateful for:
Shelby
My job
My friends
My kind neighbors
The cool autumn weather
Indoor plumbing
Life


Comments

  1. You're not alone. Even when your friends aren't right next to you, you aren't alone.

    We're here.

    ReplyDelete

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