Wishing I felt stronger.

It is almost 1am on Tuesday. I am exhausted. I am nauseous. I am scared. I don't know why, but this is more than my usual pre-checkup anxiety. Maybe it's all snowballed into the last 24 hours instead of a little each day for 7-10 days prior. Who knows. All I know is I feel like I'm going to puke. My head is pounding. I don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow and I'm scared that he's going to tell me the cancer is back.

No, I have no reason to think it's back. But, 3 1/2 years ago, I went in for hernia surgery and woke up hearing them talk about "the mass" and two days later I was told that I had an extremely rare form of cancer.

This year has been hell. I'm just worn out. I have wonderful friends, but they have got lives of their own. My family, well, I can't depend on them or go to them with my fears or worries. I've had to carry all of this for so long, I just want a break. A break from drama. A break from cancer and the worry that goes along with it. A break from being so freaking lonely - even when I'm with a church full of people!

I know it's me. I know that I'm at a low point. It still stinks.

Tomorrow, I will put Shelby on the school bus and then I will get ready. I'll drive to Crystal Lake and get on the train to Chicago, alone. I will then catch a cab to the Robert H. Lurie Cancer Care Center at Northwestern and see my oncologist along with at least 1 and maybe even 3 med students, alone. It will all be routine. I will pretend everything is perfect. I may tell them that I've been feeling nauseous for about a week or so, depending on whether I remember at the moment. Dr. Wayne will (I hope) say see you in six months and then I'll catch a cab, then take the train back to Crystal Lake and then drive to Woodstock to cheer Shelby on in her final conference cross country meet. Alone. I've been alone a long time. I'm getting pretty darned tired of it.

I pray that I am just extra stressed and worried and that things go well tomorrow. I need good stuff. Please.

I am grateful for:
My job
My friends
My kind neighbors
The cool autumn weather
Indoor plumbing


  1. You're not alone. Even when your friends aren't right next to you, you aren't alone.

    We're here.


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