It's been 24 days since I last saw Bill. It was at the ER, Shelby was there for a fainting and asthma "episode". I know it was hard for him to be there because of previous bad things happening in hospitals (his wife passed away at 30 years old).
Okay, so it's been 24 days. I'm DYING. No, not literally. But, my heart is breaking into little tiny pieces. We had plans. He had plans with Shelby. We had plans to combine our families, after fixing up my house & selling it. I'm guessing those plans are no more. Or, is this "normal" for a man?
I have NOT had a serious relationship in, oh, probably more than 15 years. 13 because of my fear of the wrath of the sperm donor. I finaly meet someone special. I mean, you saw my post. He read it too. He looked me in the eyes and told me that I was it for him. My child loves him. The dogs love him.
He's gone. He's alive. At least he was when his step-daughter responded to my "hey, is everything okay with your dad? I haven't heard from him in a while" email. She did not like me contacting her. I was worried. I couldn't reach him at home, on the cell, on IM or text. I thought something had happened.
Obviously something did. I just don't know what.
How long until my heart stops hurting? How long until he contacts me & tells me what happened? Will he ever contact me? How long until I feel better? What do I tell my sweet (and ornery, hormonal, almost teenaged) little girl? Why the hell did this happen and what the hell did I do to deserve this?
I don't think I did anything to warrant this type of treatment. I do know that people change their minds. Sometimes for no reason. HOWEVER, if you've spent time planning a life with someone, the least you could do is say "goodbye" or "gotta go" or "I'm miserable" or "I can't do this" or "you stink" or "eff you" or "I'm scared" or something! I've been told that I should not make someone a priority if I'm only an option for them. In theory that sounds fantastic. What happens if you've already let the wall down, given your heart to that person and they you and all of a sudden POOF, you're suddenly "just" an option????
I can't break down in front of Shelby, I can't lose it at work, a few tears might fall on my way home from work - but this sucks. I miss someone who obviously doesn't want to be a part of our life... Someone who can't even muster up a "goodbye". How could we have been so wrong? How can something seem so perfect come to such an abrupt end?
I've heard the "buck up buttercup" comments and the "he's a fucking asshole" comments. No, really, I've heard every one of them. I also heard the "you deserve better" comments. I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER. I had better, until 24 days ago. Or, he was really good at faking it.
Anyone who is in a relationship, a caring, honest, relationship would want to know if something was wrong. No matter how much the truth hurt. That includes me. The not knowing is what is absolutely killing me. There is no period or exclamation point at the end of the US in this. Just ...
Maybe someday he'll be able to write/email/text/call/smoke signal something to us.
After everything all of us have been through, this is not how things should've gone. Honesty & consistency, right?
Seriously, how long?????