Feeling Insignificant.

Lately, I have been feeling quite insignificant.

I'm worn out. Tired of the crap happening...

- I have had standing water in my front yard for over three months. I’ve made calls, begged for help and hit brick walls. The village President even had the balls to tell me “this is your fault”. Okay, it’s my fault that many, many years ago – when the road was paved – a culvert was installed under the road to send overflow water directly INTO MY FREAKING YARD? I don’t think so! I’ve been told I can not interfere with the natural flow of the water. Now that’s just bullshit!
- My sister, who I love more than she will ever know, has chosen to not have a relationship with me or my child (her god child). Logically, I know this is her shit not mine. But, in my heart, it
hurts.
- I have two brothers. I’m old enough to be their mom, so it’s a little weird, I know. But I don’t really have any kind of relationship with either of them. My sister has a fantastic relationship with them. Okay, that’s my interpretation and I may be a little off. Either way, once again, I feel insignificant.
- They say words can’t hurt. But they do. Especially things that are repeated over 40 years. A few snippets of the things said to me over the years:
- You’re lucky, did you know your mom wanted an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with you?
- You father wanted your mom to have an abortion.
- You know, it could’ve been worse. At least he didn’t rape you.
Whaaaaaa???
- You don’t deserve to have someone to rely on.
- I don’t care if you have cancer!
- I love you is an over used phrase.
Not when you mean it idiot!
- You must’ve done something to deserve it…
- You asked for it.
- Hey, at least I didn’t climb into bed with you like the other one did. This was said at the dinner table after I was moved out of one bad situation into another bad situation when I was a teenager.
- Why didn’t you tell someone?
I did, the school counselor and she called and asked HIM if it was true…. Smart, really smart.
- Why didn’t you fight back? I did
- Why didn’t you go to the police?
I did, it was the 80s and laws were different.
- Shelby’s father owes me $5000 in back child support. He lives with his mother, his drunken brother and his girlfriend (though they deny the girlfriend thing).

I have a two year order of protection against Shelby’s father. His mother still leaves rude voicemails about how I am keeping him from his daughter, etc. A judge said he was a danger to our child’s mental health. He did this to himself! All I did was FINALLY stand up for the both of us.

So, I’m feeling insignificant. I definitely need to continue to work on surrounding myself with good people, who love and accept me for who I am. I need to work on loving myself. I MUST work on turning off that voice in my head that repeats those horrible things that have been said to me in the past. I’m working on it. It’s hard.

On a lighter and final note: Shelby’s father got a DUI… FINALLY! The man is an alcoholic. I met him at an open AA meeting. I left him because he was drinking and violent. He choked me three years ago. It was terrifying. He told Shelby that he was going to kill me and she could watch. That statement is what finally got me to stand up to him (nope, not the choking incident). I’m sure that he thinks that I’ll never know about the DUI. But, it was in the paper. I am adding it to the collection of nasty voicemails his mother leaves for me. I am documenting this stuff. I am taking care of us!

I apologize for the downer post. It’s kind of fragmented, but I needed to get them out of my head.

Here’s hoping this week is wonderful for everyone.

xo mb

Comments

  1. Do you need to get them out of your head or do you need to get some feedback?

    Pieces of the past will haunt you if you don't let them go. There are the things you can fix and there are things you can't. The hard part is trying to determine what you can fix and what you can't. Then when you figure out what can be fixed, fixing them can take a lifetime.

    The family thing will probably never get right unless someone is on their deathbed and trying to make amends. Sorry to say that but it is the truth.

    However, the family thing is a bit different in my world. I decided a long time ago that I will make the family I want with the people who I love. They are not necessarily siblings but they are more brothers and sisters to me than my own siblings. With us there is no bullshit.

    As far as Shelby's father... Keep documenting. It will resolve itself at some point and not necessarily to your satisfaction.

    If it makes any difference, I do love you Mary Beth. I always have.

    f

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