Pfffffffffft and other deep thoughts...

I say pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffft to all the haters out there, and to those of you who pretend I don't exist. Is it "pretend we don't see her and maybe she'll disappear"???? This summer hasn't been fun, really at all. I have a pre-teen who is going through wonderful, unpredictable mood swings. I am not liking my life right now. Parts of my life I can change. Others, I just have to ride out.

I twisted my ankle on July 3rd. I ignored it. It didn't get better. I finally went to the orthopaedic doctor and he wiggled my foot around and told me what a bad girl I am and then said I have to wear a brace for six weeks to allow the grade (or is it level) 2 sprain to heal. I hate asking for help, can you tell?

Yesterday, I went for another sleep study. They wanted to try out a CPAP on me. It was HORRIBLE! I slept for maybe 2 hours and after that I was screwed. They even tried a different mask type and finally at 4am, they cut me loose because they knew how miserable I was. I'm not sure if I even want to try using that freaking machine. It was so uncomfortable!

Lately, I've spent a lot of time on Facebook and I wonder how many other people feel like they are right back in high school. I accepted friend requests thinking it's been 23 years, things have to have changed for the better. Stupid me. Maybe it's because I am hoping that they would've changed into different people. Some call that going to the hardware store for milk. I have spent a majority of my life hoping for/asking for things from people who are incapable of giving to me what I need.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, about a week after my radical resection, I contacted someone through on of those classmate finder sites. This person had experienced what cancer of someone you love can do to a family and seemed like the perfect person to contact for suggestions and/or support. Was I wrong. I got an email back saying "my number is in the book". Seriously? I may be gullible, but I'm not stupid. That person is a "friend" on FB but really - I have no idea why. I never get a kind note from him/her. I actually asked this person to "join a cause" which had to do with cancer. This person accepted and went on to talk about the wonderful person in his/her life with a rare cancer. Seriously? I bet my cancer is more rare than that person's cancer.... Wanna bet? How about just ignoring my request, not shoving it my face that you wouldn't join because I suggested it. I think it's just rude.

There are others with whom I struck up an online friendship and felt a connection, and then poof, they're not responding to my emails. Now, I know I should not take this personally. But, when you see the same person posting about getting together with one person or another or going out with a group of people, it hurts. I had actually asked this person to get together, us & our kids. "Sure!" was the initial response and now nothing.

You know, I think one of the big "dividers" between me and those people I went to high school with is they bond over having a few drinks and I don't. I don't drink and I'm really not good in crowds. Yet, I feel like a complete outsider. What am I missing? I really don't want to be around a bunch of drunk people. I think it's the friendship, companionship. You know, a lot of those relationships were pretty "incestuous". Everyone "dated" everyone else. I was amazed at how many people married & divorced and then married again within the same group. Yikes, that is quite weird huh? So, do I really want to be a part of that? No, probably not. But, I would think that now that we are in our 40s that the "roles" held by everyone in high school wouldn't still be so ingrained. And, perhaps that we were more mature. But, I know that while I am a fantastic mother (and have done it all on my own); when I am around my married sister - my stress level goes up x 100! When I run into people who treated me poorly, even 30 years ago, they can still trigger an intense set of fears to crop up. So, I suppose it is kind of silly for me to expect other people to have changed their personalities just because they are older. Hmmmmm, a light bulb moment for me! That makes me sad, in a way. It also makes me feel a little better too. I really can't get milk from the hardware store!

Maybe in another 17 or 27 years, we will have grown enough to have matured and outgrown those roles we took on all those years before. It's funny, I bet most don't even realize that they are behaving in the same way (appropriate for a teen, but not so appropriate for a 40 year old). There are bullies who were horrible and have scarred many people and they act as if they never tormented their classmates. Have you ever watched that show called something like High School Reunion? There was a guy on there, big jock who really treated anyone not like him like shit. At least one of his victims stood up to him and brought him down a few pegs. Not in a demeaning or hurtful way. More like, you did this, and I still am successful. It's not big, but it made an impression on me. I wonder if people even think about how others perceive them. Do they really care? Do they "friend" people on Facebook just because? Or are they truly interested in connecting with people? Maybe it's a combination of both. But honestly, there are only a dozen or so people (non-relatives) on FB who, I believe, really give a shit about me or my life or my experiences.

Okay, enough of that talk! So, Shelby's counselor gave me shocking news this weekend. Shelby's "father" contacted her and asked about Shelby's sessions. Of course, she revealed nothing. She first asked him a bunch of questions, including "who are you?" He had the effin nerve to say "I pay half of your bill" which is shit. The man owes me $6000 in back support! I have a two-year order of protection against him (for Shelby and me) and he isn't allowed to see Shelby without supervision. I've got sole custody of Shelby. I have raised her, looked out for her, loved her and taken care of her every need since she was in utero! Now, he's acting as though he cares? Apparently, after 3 weeks on his own (okay, moved out with his "fiance") he is back in his mother's house. Sponging off of her, and that's the only way she wants it. I think I'm looking for milk again, but at the car parts store... Will he ever get sober and take responsibility for all the wrongs he has done? Will he EVER deserve a child as wonderful as Shelby???? Will he ever find humility? Will I ever be able to go to the grocery store for milk and stop running into brick walls?

Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft to the haters and to my stinking thinking too.

And now for a word from our sponsor.

:) mb xo


  1. Well, As someone who gives a shit about you I would like to recommend that you shop for milk not at the grocery store but at the farm. The grocery store has the goods but you need to deal with the bullshit of actually having an idea of what it took to get the milk there. If you get it from the farm, you know the farmer who milked the cow to get it and you will know the cow.

    As far as the CPAP thing... there is a solution that worked for me but I will not share it with you. At least not here.


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