16 days & counting!!!!

So I didn't realize it has been almost two weeks since I posted anything!  It's not that I don't want to, I do!  Life is just getting in the way dag nabbit!!

Let's see, my surgery is scheduled for December 29th, just 16 days away!  I think I've got everything covered as far as transportation & Shelby, so that's good.  This past Friday I went in for blood work (I think they took six vials o blood!), an EKG and an upper GI.  I had thought I'd already had one, but no, that's an EGD - where they put you to sleep and put the camera down your throat to check out your upper digestive system.  NOOOOOOO, this was an upper GI where they make you fast, not even water after midnight.  I have been battling a cold for almost 2 weeks now, so that was HELL!  Then, they give you this little medicine cup filled with this crystal stuff that is like pop rocks, which you are supposed to take like a "shot" but I don't drink and even with the little medicine cup of water they gave me to "wash it down" - I felt those suckers popping in my mouth & throat!  THEN, the barium.  Oh My Gosh that stuff is NASTY!  They're telling me to swallow, and my tastebuds are telling my throat - DO NOT ENTER - goodness, it took like two gulps for every mouthful.  Then, the rolled me around, no joke, on this lovely xray machine so the barium coated my stomach.  All I can say is GROSS!  I did get to look at the pictures they took and man, there's a lot of stuff packed in our torsos, did you guys know that?  WOW!

I'm glad that's over!  I only need to go back to the hospital on December 28th just for one more blood test (cross & type or type & cross) just in case I need a transfusion during my surgery. 

Oh, I am now offically crazy.  You're not shocked?  Whaaaaaaaaaaa????  Okay, I have a youtube account that I set up so I could subscribe to other people's videos.  Nicki's beauty school posted videos of her and I also found a bunch of people who have had gastric bypass and are vlogging their journies.  No, that's not the crazy part!  When Karen was visiting last month, she bought me a webcam.  Now, she used that webcam so she could skype with her family and see her dog, Berry, while she was away for three weeks.  Now that is kinda crazy ;o) tee hee!  So last night, after church, I decided to try to create a video to post on Youtube introducing myself.  Maybe so I can share my journey with others and you guys!  So here's my channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/mbokeefe40  THAT is the crazy part!  Right?!!

Let's see.  On the financial front, I feel like such a failure.  No, it's more like I feel like I'm collapsing or crumbling.  I'm sure things will work out, but man, I hate no knowing how or when!  I've submitted a request to my mortgage company because I have just become overwhelmed with finances right now.  The sad part is, I have a really good job.  I make fairly decent money.  But, after 18 months of the sperm donor making a contribution (and for about 12 months I was hoping he would), I am spent!  I really do not like asking for help and writing the hardship letter just made me see even more clearly the situtation is that I need to climb out of.  I do NOT like this one bit!!!

I'm going to call the mortgage company again on Monday to check on the status of my request for assistance.  Please think good thoughts for me. Prayers.  Whatever you'd like.  I need them.

My friend, Jessica from church asked me last night was is holding me back from asking God to come into my heart & guide me.  I've been thinking about it.  I don't doubt there is a God.  I do believe that there is a greater power than myself who has watched over me during the horrible times in my life.  So, it's not that.  I think part of it is that my life is just so freaking stressful, I really don't have the capacity to think about one more thing.  Honestly, I feel like every time I take in a new piece of information, a few disappear from my brain.  I am just overloaded and just trying to keep my head above water.

Another reason could be that I was abused by my father.  A man who was and still is well respected in the church.  He met his wife (only 8 years older than me) at church.  How the heck does that happen?  That really does piss me off.  Everyone thinks he's this fantastic Godly man, but he's just an alcoholic pervert who is very charming to everyone he meets.

Another reason is, I have a teeny bit of control over my life.  I am where I am because of me.  Every single time I have put my life, or a part of my life in someone else's hands, I have gone through horrendous trials.  Last night's sermon was about God giving us trials, a crucible, and we become stronger, better, etc. after going through those trials.  I've been through a lot of trials.  I really don't have the capacity to go through any more at this moment.  I don't know if, right now, I can let go of my life enough to open my heart and ask God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit to come in.  Honestly, I can not wrap my brain around it.  I listen to Jessica speak about God and praying and how she puts things in God's hands and I am awestruck.  I admire her so much.  I just don't know if I'm ready for anything that deep right now.  I'm having surgery in 16 days!  I am barely holding things together.  Or should I say, keeping all the balls in the air?  It's a fricking juggling act!  There isn't someone else to catch the balls, or plates, or flaming arrows - it's just me!  If I don't catch them and one drops, who is going to clean up the mess?  ME!  I need more time.  I need to be able to breathe for a little bit.  Can I get that?  Just some time to breathe.  Watch my Weeds Season IV (I think it's IV) DVD and just breathe. 

Oh, did I mention I have a mom who is mentally ill?  Yes.  I do.  I know she desperately wants me to be her everything, but I just can't.  I have to set boundaries.  I feel horrible for her.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make her better, but I can't.  I also wish that she would take better care of herself.  But she won't.  It's another mess in my life, but I have to let it be, because I can't take on anyone else's stuff anymore.  Yay me, right?  So, why do I feel bad that my mom (who was a really crappy mom) pines away for me to fill her life?  Ahhhhhhh!!!! Too much stuff!  I love my  mom.  I don't like the way she chooses to live her life.  I have to set boundaries.

Logically, this may be the place where someone might say "you need God in your life MB, ask him".  Right!  It's not that easy.  I'm not saying I'm special.  I am saying that it is something that I am not able to grasp, no matter how many times you say it, right now.  It's too much!  I need to breathe.  I need to put one foot in front of the other.  I need to take care of my daughter.  I need to figure out how I'm going to get through this financial crisis I'm in.  I can't fit another thing into my little brain.  It's full.

Okay, that was just depressing!!

Here are a few pictures taken on our last Saturday with Karen.  We went down to  Chicago and Karen was our photographer for the day!

Shelby's hair still has a little color left in it.  But this mom is done putting all the crazy rainbow colors in her hair.  For now.

Okay, how about some gratitude??
  • Shelby
  • Christmas Lights
  • Jessica
  • Pat
  • Crystina
  • Traci
  • Karen
  • all my other friends, because this post would just be way too long!
  • Indoor plumbing
  • I played the piano for a little while today (it needs tuning & I need practice!)
  • 16 days!!!!!!!!
Love and blessings to you all!!


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