I'm a liar...

Okay, I’ve been in denial lately…

I’ve lost 47 pounds since my surgery on 12/29/09 – Yay! I should be super happy, thrilled with the amazing progress I’ve made, right? Yeah, I’m not.  Not that I’m not happy or thrilled about losing close to 50 pounds in 9 weeks. It’s that I’m just not happy.

Rewind…

It’s been 11 months since I officially started my WLS (weight loss surgery) journey. Very soon after I started my “medically managed weight loss program” required by my insurance, a friend started telling me about his experience. Pretty much right away he started talking about the shortcuts or workarounds of eating. I started wondering how healthy he really was. Then, his posts on my blog were very strange. Like, I didn’t understand a few of them. Then, he would tell me the same story over and over. I realized he was drinking heavily. So, despite losing 200 pounds after having gastric bypass surgery, this guy was drinking to excess. FYI – drinking alcohol is the number one thing to avoid after surgery. I mean, every piece of literature, blog, website – everything – says do not consume alcohol. Another drink that is “forbidden” is soda (or pop whatever you want to call it). Why? Because it can expand the pouch you spent tens of thousands of dollars on! Back to this friend. He offered to come stay with me when I had my surgery. I kept that in the back of my mind. I knew his life was spinning out of control. Frankly, I really didn’t want him to come. He was talking about cooking for me post-surgery. Um, I’ll be on a liquid diet for at least 3 weeks post-op, what the hell are you going to cook for me? I was getting concerned. Wondering what he was thinking. Needless to say, things finally got bad enough for him to see that maybe he had a problem with alcohol. Still he was talking about how everyone around him was making his life miserable….

In late fall/early winter I strongly suggested he get help. I told him to contact his Employee Assistance Program immediately. He said he couldn’t get through. I immediately got the phone number from him and called them myself. They called him moments later. Unfortunately, it would take time to get him into treatment. So he went around, on a dry drunk for several weeks, thinking it was okay to sit there and behave like a 2-year-old. I actually had to stop posting comments to his blog because I couldn’t say “awwww, poor baby, your life is soooo rough!” Because it wasn’t. Everyone has troubles. He’s just been drowning his sorrows with alcohol for many years.

Just before he got into treatment, he acted as though he was the only person to ever have a problem with alcohol. Like “I am SICK, you HAVE to help me”. I was getting tired of it. He went into treatment. His friends who were in close proximity to him (I’m out of state) surrounded him with love. They moved his stuff. They coddled him (in my opinion). In my experience with regard to being related to so many alcoholics oh and dating several – it’s not just the drinking that needs to change. It’s the THINKING. So, for months, I’ve been hoping that he would stop placing blame, pointing fingers, complaining that everyone is out to get him, the poor alcoholic who has been in AA for just a very short time – and becoming a person who accepts responsibility for his actions and focuses on bettering the only person he can change – HIMSELF! I was hoping that he would stop looking for the “quick fix” or shortcut (as he seems to have done with eating post-WLS).

Just recently, he made a post about his mediation for his divorce and mentioned me several times in his post. I couldn’t believe it because I’m the one who made sure that his EAP contacted him when he was in dire straits. So, I was really hurt, and angry. I posted a comment to his blog explaining that I feel he really needed to focus on himself instead of pointing fingers at his soon to be ex or me! FYI – I haven’t seen him since 1985! So then, his next post is about why he stayed with his wife and how he’s a “fixer’ and he was trying to “fix” his marriage for many years, blah blah blah. Again, excuses. I’ve got to stay away from the blog because he is behaving the same way he did when he was drunk, except he can’t blame alcohol.

I know, this is long, but I’m just so tired of all the shit that I have taken on (yes, willingly) but now I’m giving it back!

I care very much about this friend, but he can’t see anything but himself. He is obsessed with placing blame and pointing fingers. He is definitely not interested in “fixing” himself. Because if he were, he’d shut his mouth and LISTEN at his AA meetings and hook up with people with a good program under their belt. Hopefully, sooner rather than later, he will stop just repeating what he hears in meetings and start living it. I hope that he will stop looking for the easy way or the shortcut and work through everything he needs to work through. Hopefully.

This is your stuff my friend. I’m done. I have got so much stuff to deal with in my life, that I can not take on your drama anymore. So, I’m letting you go for now. I will check your blog, but really I have to take several steps back (again, sound familiar???)

Moving on. I am depressed. I’ve got so much on my plate that it’s overflowing!

My mom is mentally ill. This isn’t new. She was a really bad mom, but is trying to be a better grandmother. She had a stroke a couple of years ago. She keeps calling it an “eye stroke” and no matter how many times I try to explain that it was a real stroke that affected her eyesight. She is in denial too! She quit smoking for several months, and then started again. We hardly ever go to her house because of the horrible stench of cigar smoke in her house. Lately, she’s been experiencing short-term memory loss. I’m talking she’ll ask me a question, I’ll answer it, and then 5 minutes later she’ll ask the same question again. She’s 59 years old. I’ve told her that I am concerned. I explained that I didn’t think she should be driving (Shelby refuses to go anywhere with her anymore). She said she’d tell her psychiatrist at her next visit. Okayyyyyyy. I am concerned that this is early onset dementia. Or more strokes. She’s very depressed. I can’t tell my sister because, well, she wouldn’t do anything anyway. She has her own life and has pushed us away. After years of feeling rejected, I am finally fine with the fact that my sister has chosen to alienate herself from me. I love her. I have to let her do her thing. So, this stuff with my mom is really stressful because I don’t feel that I can talk to anyone about it.

I have a pre-teen who is very hormonal! I don’t think there was anything “normal” about my life from about 8 years old on (maybe even earlier). I didn’t have the luxury of losing it and telling my mom “I hate you!” stomping off to my room and slamming the door. My mom would’ve smacked me silly! Probably worse than that, really. I was in 6th grade when I fell down the stairs at home. For six weeks both my parents accused me of faking it. Until they brought my x-rays to an orthopedic doctor who said “she broke her growth plate”. Yeah, I was faking. When I was 13, my mom called me a whore. It was pretty much constant mental abuse from the time I can remember (my mom was 17, dad was 21 when they got pregnant with me). I was told over and over that I ruined their lives. I think I’m repeating myself now. Back to my kid. I love her so very much. I don’t know how to handle the mood swings. Thank goodness we’re going to have a joint therapy session this week! I’m hoping that will help ease my mind a little!

I love my job. I really do. Things are changing. Have been changing for several years now. I don’t know if there is anyone who is really “happy” at work right now. The benefits that were so awesome for the last eight years are slowly being taken away. The benefit (privilege) of working from home which really helps when Shelby is sick or there is a snow day, is going away. Well, it’s going to be very restricted. I understand that there are people who really take advantage of the work from home privilege. Then there are people who don’t have kids who complain about the people who do have kids. You know how it goes. Needless to say, they are clamping down on pretty much everything. Coming back after my surgery and having complications starting about 5 weeks post-op made it very hard for me to feel comfortable going into the office. Throwing up daily, that’s really not fun. Hopefully that is behind me after the procedure I had last Tuesday. Also, there is a lot of cattiness going on between several of the other admins. I am like #1 enemy to two ladies. They just can’t stand me. I don’t particularly care for them, but I need my job and will always act professionally toward them. Many years ago (2003), I said something to one of them and it almost cost me my job. I will always treat them with respect, even when they refuse to even acknowledge me. So, my job isn’t as fun as it used to be. I’m hoping that I can turn things around so that I can be happy no matter what is going on around me.

Of course, I haven’t received any child support in I don’t know how long. I haven’t run the numbers because I know I’ll cry if I do, but he’s got to be nearing $12,000-$13,000. Maybe even more. When I think about it, I get overwhelmed because of all of the bills that would’ve been paid had he done the right thing!

I haven’t seen my therapist since, I think, November. I actually have an appointment this week with a new therapist. I felt like every time I saw my former therapist, I was just rattling off what had happened in the last couple of weeks. I went over my work lunch break, so never could really open up. I loved her too. It just wasn’t helping me. Hopefully things will click with my new therapist. I feel like I’m kind of shutting down right now. I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions, I have nothing left for me. Today I woke up with a migraine. I slept for hours. I am spent. I wish that I had someone to share the load with. I have wonderful friends. I mean, they are phenomenal! But, they have lives of their own. No one wants to hear me whine about my life. They have their own stuff to worry about.

I feel so alone. I know this is temporary. I still do not like it at all.
Only three days until I meet with my new therapist!
Thank God!


Love and blessings to you all!

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