Um, can I get a re-write???

Random thoughts running through my mind over, and over, and over… Stop the madness! How the heck do I do this, alone, and not give up? I’m really tired Will I ever have someone who wants to hold my hand through all the good and bad stuff?  No, not my kid, a partner, a companion, a lover, a best friend all in one. I have MAJOR body issues.  Even after the gastric bypass surgery. Why is the state of Illinois so fucked up with regard to family law, and oh DUI laws?  Why does sd & his mother hurt my sweet girl every chance they get?  Do they not understand that she is 15 and SEES this?  Fucking assholes. How can any parent do absolutely nothing to support a child (financially, emotionally or otherwise) and look in the mirror every day? Does my kid realize how much I love her? Okay, I guess I know the answer to this one… Still on bad days, I worry. Why do liars and cheaters seem to get away with so much and all the time?...

Wow, it’s been a long time!  So, let’s see, things were good, for a bit then a disappearing act, then good, then more silence, then good and planning to move in together, then I realized no matter how much I gave and gave, he was never going to give me what I deserved.  I packed up all of his and his daughter’s things that they left at our house into one bag and wrote a long letter saying goodbye to my Bill blanket.  I put the ball in his court, was very clear about my expectations. And, I haven’t heard from him since.  So, I’ve got that going for me. L I know I did the right thing.  I have to take care of me & Shelby.  I want her to know that expecting respect, kindness, love, compassion is okay and actually a good thing!  Unfortunately, we both loved him & his family.  So, no matter how right my decision to let him go was.  We are sad. I bet you think that our court saga would be over by now… WELL IT ISN’T! Tomorrow ...

Make You Feel My Love Written by Bob Dylan Covered by Adele When the rain Is blowing in your face And the whole world Is on your case I could offer you A warm embrace To make you feel my love When the evening shadows And the stars appear And there is no one there To dry your tears I could hold you For a million years To make you feel my love I know you Haven't made Your mind up yet But I would never Do you wrong I've known it From the moment That we met No doubt in my mind Where you belong I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue I'd go crawling Down the avenue Know there's nothing That I wouldn't do To make you feel my love The storms are raging On the rolling sea And on the highway of regret The winds of change Are blowing wild and free You ain't seen nothing Like me yet I could make you happy Make your dreams come true Nothing that I wouldn't do Go to the ends Of the Earth for you To make you feel my...

Hi! How are you?  I'm good, thank you. :) So, this week someone told me it was the week to ask the universe to help me manifest my dreams.  So that's what I'm gonna do along with a LOT of gratitude!!! First, gratitude (in no particular order, of course): Shelby Bill (yes we are together and I can't imagine it any other way!!) My awesome friends who support & love me & lift me up when I'm not able My job, even on the bad days Xopenex, Prednisone and Zithromax (for Shelby's "walking pneumonia") - ay yi yi!!! Patience Love Music Second chances Facebook (especially when I'm in a court ordered parenting class that is about people going through a divorce... uh, not divorced, never been married... blah blah blah - my friends helped me get through it!) Hair color Laughter Autumn Nature Indoor plumbing Good health Smiles Our sassy pooches Now, my dreams (again, in no particular order): That I am able to show those I lov...

Have you ever thought “Is this shit storm ever going to end????” Yeah, me too. Too many times to count.   I know I’ve written about my childhood before. One of the things that was shoved down my throat was that saying “I love you” is overrated… Of course, being “mature” I know that it is very important to express your love and your feelings in general and not stuff them. Those of you, who know me well, know that the pendulum has gone to both extremes. I think I’m pretty even keeled right now, despite the “Is this shit storm ever going to end?” question repeating itself.   Where to start, hmmmmm…   My last post was about being stuck, questioning whether I even wanted to move on or let go of the love I felt for Bill. Bill was the first man who made me laugh hysterically, feel safe and showed Shelby what a father is supposed to be. I can’t forget that Bill also just fell off the face of the earth with no warning, when things were going fantastically. I had this ...

Letting go is hard.  Yeah, stating the obvious aren't I?  Well, it is hard dammit!! I am trying to let go.  I need to let go.  In order to move on (do I want to move on?) I must let go.  I think I'm scared of allowing myself to be vulnerable again. I suppose I should work on that. Today, I am grateful for: Shelby My awesome friends Having a job I love Indoor plumbing School starts next week! Sunshine I walked over 6 miles this week! Woo hooo!   Coco has a minor tear in her ACL :( We're trying medicine first and hoping that she doesn't need surgery!! Shelby & Me today (man I need color LOL!)  Love & blessings my friends!! 

I’ve been speechless… No really. There has been so much going on, that I can barely think. Court with sd (for those not in the know that stands for sperm donor) is almost unbearable. I got a bill from my attorney that almost caused me to have a stroke. I promised Shelby I would follow through so I am. This is about her, not me. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now. Work is busy. I am grateful for my job and the fact that I’ve got more than enough work to do, so I am working overtime. Another reason that I can barely think, I’m working a lot. Dating. Hah! With all the shit going on in my life, what man would want to deal with me? I didn’t date for years because I was so afraid of sd, and now I’m feeling more empowered and he’s still making my life miserable because he’s trying to drain me emotionally, financially, mentally, in any way possible. He is not thinking about Shelby, but “beating” me. Of course, he’s not paying for the attorney, his mother is. Wait, I said I wasn’...